Recovered Alcoholic

  In between the stories of the man, Jim, who convinces himself that he can drink as long as his alcohol is in milk, and the Jaywalker who gets a thrill from jumping in front of cars even though he doesn't think so, is this passage I want to share:    We have sometimes reflected more than Jim did upon the consequences. But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out. Next day we would ask ourselves, in all earnestness and sincerity, how it could have happened. In some circumstances we have gone out deliberately to get drunk, feeling ourselves justified by nervousness, anger, worry, depression, jealousy or the like. But even in this type of beginning we are obliged to admit that our justification for a spree was insanely insufficient in the light of what always happened. We now se...

First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most Good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom. Going from thinking life, the world and everyone was just having their way with me and everything thing was just series of random events that always seemed to harm me or make my life harder, to - OMG I had contrived the entire thing and the fall out was because my way was so grossly misaligned to the divine script that I NEEDED to be fired from the director of the movie stat!  What I create when not attuned to God is an artificial construct generated, or, d riven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity.. .everything was a manipulation to attempt to produce the outcome I wanted so that I could get w...

  "Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us" I could have sworn it said "my real purpose is to get sober, get the guy, and live happily ever after"....thankfully I was wrong. Purpose is the fundamental reason for which something is done, created, or exists. So the purpose of the sobriety I was gifted wasn't about me at all. It was all for God. After I swallowed hard and grieved that life I thought I was owed for getting sober, even though I didn't get me sober, but I digress, I went to opposite extreme of happily ever after to "I guess I'm a nun now" as interpreted through my egoic 3-D linear thinking...shocking.  Thankfully I was wrong about that too....I'm wrong a lot! LOL! Which is fine, because I now get to actually learn the lessons that genuinely do fit me to be of max service to God and the people about me through the experience of that lesson learned. If I already know everything ...

  I have been doing some deep meditation and diving into the word acceptance and how it came to be a part of the fellowship-not program. Just because it appears in one story from a fellow member from one edition, doesn't mean it's the program. The program is located in the first part of the book in all editions. The stories in the back are for identification purposes. So for example, if they had chosen me to write my experience with AA in the latest revision and a generation later people were quoting from my story as the program, rather than just my experience, that would be unfortunate. Back to the word acceptance that we have countless meetings about. It always bothered me because everything is kind of just thrown under the acceptance label.  The fact is that acceptance means approval. Mind you, I am coming from a place of doing a deep dive on the entire origin of the American English language factoring in the legal and the spiritual ramifications and how words are in fact e...

I just wanted to share about what Judy's presence here in our fellowship and what one random act of kindness can open up in someone without them even knowing it. I like many of us who have recovered are still a little shell shocked by life. When I hear people say they have PTSD, I say "who doesn't??" This place is rough-full of betrayals, hurt and confused feelings, anger, frustration and just an overall sense of madness sometimes. This results in people closing their hearts off to even normal healthy common decencies-even saying "Thank you" is hard for some people in the fellowship at this time. I know I have been on guard, guarding what, I'm not really sure, but I was in a state of statis a few years ago regarding people in general. I wanted NOTHING to do with them beyond what we do here and what I had to do out there.  In response to one of my shares, this woman, Judy ( peace be upon her soul and her family) asked me for my mailing address, God only k...

  When I was lonely I used to look for ways to get "filled"-filling the void by using people, tv, food, attention, work, promotion, sex, anything really. Alcohol was the means for which I medicated/numbed myself to either do the things I thought I needed to get "filled" with, or to suppress the guilt and shame I felt by doing them. Anxiety that I would have to continue to do it-not knowing if this time I would actually get fired, broken up with, or even kill someone-I knew I would still have to drink. No one wants to be a vampire or predator that has to consume some-one or some-thing in order to get relief from a spiritual malady from a mind that convinces you that you need to do this even if it's causing great harm. That's insane. So when I worked my program and recovered from the hopeless state of mind and body and my alcoholic torment was removed by God and I was essentially restored to sanity because I no longer sought to consume alcohol because my slate...

  But of things which really bother and burn us, we say nothing.  Certain distressing or humiliating memories we tell ourselves, ought not be shared with anyone.  These will remain our secret.  Not a soul must ever know.  We hope they'll to to the grave with us I express much much gratitude for the candid Alcoholics Anonymous speakers I encountered during the early stages of my recovery, particularly individuals such as Polly P. who was very open about her behavior prior to her spiritual experience. She shared about her sober conduct in AA with other men, using our sacred meeting space as a hookup site, getting pregnant and having an abortion. So she was "sober" alright, but just drunk on excitement, drama, chaos and people-which was a whole other issue that I wasn't hearing about in meetings or from my sponsor at the time. All I was hearing was that you were awesome just for not drinking that day.  So I could go home from a meeting and just cause...