But of things which really bother and burn us, we say nothing. Certain distressing or humiliating memories we tell ourselves, ought not be shared with anyone. These will remain our secret. Not a soul must ever know. We hope they'll to to the grave with us
I express much much gratitude for the candid Alcoholics Anonymous speakers I encountered during the early stages of my recovery, particularly individuals such as Polly P. who was very open about her behavior prior to her spiritual experience. She shared about her sober conduct in AA with other men, using our sacred meeting space as a hookup site, getting pregnant and having an abortion. So she was "sober" alright, but just drunk on excitement, drama, chaos and people-which was a whole other issue that I wasn't hearing about in meetings or from my sponsor at the time. All I was hearing was that you were awesome just for not drinking that day. So I could go home from a meeting and just cause massive amounts of harm stone cold sober and still be a winner for not drinking?!? That doesn't seem right?!?
So when I finally did the Steps in ALL earnestness my entire being started to shift. Am I perfect-NOPE, far from it, but what my 3rd sponsor imparted upon me was that our goal is to do no harm in sobriety-and if we do to QUICKLY recognize it, amend it and do our due diligence not repeat it. If I am so blocked off from the truth and have been for years through drinking or self soothing delusion or denial, then my being may not even know what truth looks or feels like so it may interpret it as painful or uncomfortable-which it is. Change is uncomfortable-but, it's a hell of a lot easier than dying in the delusion bubble I constructed to feel better about what I was doing-and even worse than that, is infecting others with my harmful perceptions by acting as if my behavior, or the behaviors I encourage with my consent and endorsement (which creates the schisms that cause my soul sickness) is virtuous and good.
When my body, mind and soul is forced to accept the lies that my Spirit knows are false, everything starts to deteriorate and break down. I was a hardened shell-nothing coming in but vampiric consumption through my base nature that was all interwoven with fear so I misused my basic intincts. Step 5 allows me the opportunity to get busted wide open and finally allow some nourishment from the Sunlight of the Spirit to pour into my depleted and starving soul. I know what it feels like to live in lies and I know what it feels like to live in truth and I choose truth-not my truth, just truth. Both are uncomfortable at first.
When I choose to live in lies, drink and indulge in whatever feels good at the time but hurts later, I have to get used to it. I had to force myself to drink nasty tasting stuff that set me free from my gut saying "probably not a good idea" and just do what Hilarie wanted to do when Hilarie wanted to do it with NO regard for anyone else or regard for my future self. Now, bring that mentality into sobriety-Not good. So when the pain of living that way is too much and my soul cries out to Truth, I have to do things that I normally wouldn't do and it's not comfortable or easy, but the pay off of consistency is far more sustainable and serene then the hard living of temporary instant gratification, drinking and people pleasing to stay a float.
So instead of of drinking, I was told to go to meetings
I was told to pray in the morning asking where I can be of service-nothing for myself and nothing for anyone else-just where I may serve
I was told to thank God at night for keeping me sober
I was told to anchor into a set routine that grounds me such as a inventory and gratitude list
I was told to read the BB and highlight the parts I could comprehend that resonated with me
I was told to get a service commitment
NONE of that was comfortable or normal to me. It was all counter intuitive-especially pausing to consider others and to ask God to show me what to do that day!! So rewiring process take time, but again, starting my day in a crazy mad rush to get coffee in me smoke like a freight train just to be used by my spiritual disease (dry or drinking) to run around and create more harm and drama doing things Hilaire's way-hurts people and avails NOTHING. So I can continue on like that until the end-or I can do these steps, get honest and finally be free.
The way I stay free is to adhere and abide in a practical program of action by doing the above daily and to get and stay honest with myself, God and you. I have nothing to lose except this monkey brain that wants me dead but will settle for me drunk or being used as an instrument for harm. Transparency with God and myself is sacred-the only reason I share what I share now is to be of service. The monster has nothing on me and can't humiliate me when I'm transparent with my HP. If it tries, I say back to it, "Oh thanks for that information, God already knows about that and we are working through it!"