Recovered Alcoholic

  I have been doing some deep meditation and diving into the word acceptance and how it came to be a part of the fellowship-not program. Just because it appears in one story from a fellow member from one edition, doesn't mean it's the program. The program is located in the first part of the book in all editions. The stories in the back are for identification purposes. So for example, if they had chosen me to write my experience with AA in the latest revision and a generation later people were quoting from my story as the program, rather than just my experience, that would be unfortunate. Back to the word acceptance that we have countless meetings about. It always bothered me because everything is kind of just thrown under the acceptance label.  The fact is that acceptance means approval. Mind you, I am coming from a place of doing a deep dive on the entire origin of the American English language factoring in the legal and the spiritual ramifications and how words are in fact e...

I just wanted to share about what Judy's presence here in our fellowship and what one random act of kindness can open up in someone without them even knowing it. I like many of us who have recovered are still a little shell shocked by life. When I hear people say they have PTSD, I say "who doesn't??" This place is rough-full of betrayals, hurt and confused feelings, anger, frustration and just an overall sense of madness sometimes. This results in people closing their hearts off to even normal healthy common decencies-even saying "Thank you" is hard for some people in the fellowship at this time. I know I have been on guard, guarding what, I'm not really sure, but I was in a state of statis a few years ago regarding people in general. I wanted NOTHING to do with them beyond what we do here and what I had to do out there.  In response to one of my shares, this woman, Judy ( peace be upon her soul and her family) asked me for my mailing address, God only k...

  When I was lonely I used to look for ways to get "filled"-filling the void by using people, tv, food, attention, work, promotion, sex, anything really. Alcohol was the means for which I medicated/numbed myself to either do the things I thought I needed to get "filled" with, or to suppress the guilt and shame I felt by doing them. Anxiety that I would have to continue to do it-not knowing if this time I would actually get fired, broken up with, or even kill someone-I knew I would still have to drink. No one wants to be a vampire or predator that has to consume some-one or some-thing in order to get relief from a spiritual malady from a mind that convinces you that you need to do this even if it's causing great harm. That's insane. So when I worked my program and recovered from the hopeless state of mind and body and my alcoholic torment was removed by God and I was essentially restored to sanity because I no longer sought to consume alcohol because my slate...

  But of things which really bother and burn us, we say nothing.  Certain distressing or humiliating memories we tell ourselves, ought not be shared with anyone.  These will remain our secret.  Not a soul must ever know.  We hope they'll to to the grave with us I express much much gratitude for the candid Alcoholics Anonymous speakers I encountered during the early stages of my recovery, particularly individuals such as Polly P. who was very open about her behavior prior to her spiritual experience. She shared about her sober conduct in AA with other men, using our sacred meeting space as a hookup site, getting pregnant and having an abortion. So she was "sober" alright, but just drunk on excitement, drama, chaos and people-which was a whole other issue that I wasn't hearing about in meetings or from my sponsor at the time. All I was hearing was that you were awesome just for not drinking that day.  So I could go home from a meeting and just cause...

First Things First -Upon awakening, who do I contact to ground me back in and guide me? God. Not even my bodily functions come first. I seek God first because if I put my body or my racing mind over God, that sets the tone for who I will serve and make my higher HP that day. It's real, I don't just speak this for effect.  I have cats now, I never had cats before, and they can be very demanding and even take over if I let them. So when I heard them screaming in the next room for me to get up, as a woman, I have a natural tendency to soothe and tend to the crying baby first. If the baby is taking the form of a cat, my husband, step son, my dog, chickens, a sponsee, or my "inner child"...whoever is screaming the loudest, I will want to take over, control or fix the problem as a reaction without God guidance.  But because of my miswiring, Mothering my way has the spirit behind it which is rooted in worry and fear, and if untreated, looks lik...

12 years ago yesterday I started on a path and had no idea where that would lead-all I knew was that I couldn't continue to do what I was doing and for the first time in my life, I didn't want to die. I was a somewhat functioning alcoholic-meaning I was still employable; and for a long time was able to conceal the daily horror of having to repeat something that wasn't good for me only to give me superficial and temporary relief from my mind's constant chatter. I'm sure that has a label now, but back then I was just considered annoying, bothersome and ungrateful. I never felt comfortable in my skin-everyday felt like the first day of school, nervous, twisted guts, frustrated, and kind of angry that everyone else "knew" how to do life, and were generally ok with everything and everyone-so and I had to fake it or mimic them. I was a false representation of myself; I had no idea who I was and hated myself for the start. I seemed to have a predisposition to be ...