Recovered Alcoholic

  When I was lonely I used to look for ways to get "filled"-filling the void by using people, tv, food, attention, work, promotion, sex, anything really. Alcohol was the means for which I medicated/numbed myself to either do the things I thought I needed to get "filled" with, or to suppress the guilt and shame I felt by doing them. Anxiety that I would have to continue to do it-not knowing if this time I would actually get fired, broken up with, or even kill someone-I knew I would still have to drink. No one wants to be a vampire or predator that has to consume some-one or some-thing in order to get relief from a spiritual malady from a mind that convinces you that you need to do this even if it's causing great harm. That's insane. So when I worked my program and recovered from the hopeless state of mind and body and my alcoholic torment was removed by God and I was essentially restored to sanity because I no longer sought to consume alcohol because my slate...

  But of things which really bother and burn us, we say nothing.  Certain distressing or humiliating memories we tell ourselves, ought not be shared with anyone.  These will remain our secret.  Not a soul must ever know.  We hope they'll to to the grave with us I express much much gratitude for the candid Alcoholics Anonymous speakers I encountered during the early stages of my recovery, particularly individuals such as Polly P. who was very open about her behavior prior to her spiritual experience. She shared about her sober conduct in AA with other men, using our sacred meeting space as a hookup site, getting pregnant and having an abortion. So she was "sober" alright, but just drunk on excitement, drama, chaos and people-which was a whole other issue that I wasn't hearing about in meetings or from my sponsor at the time. All I was hearing was that you were awesome just for not drinking that day.  So I could go home from a meeting and just cause...

First Things First -Upon awakening, who do I contact to ground me back in and guide me? God. Not even my bodily functions come first. I seek God first because if I put my body or my racing mind over God, that sets the tone for who I will serve and make my higher HP that day. It's real, I don't just speak this for effect.  I have cats now, I never had cats before, and they can be very demanding and even take over if I let them. So when I heard them screaming in the next room for me to get up, as a woman, I have a natural tendency to soothe and tend to the crying baby first. If the baby is taking the form of a cat, my husband, step son, my dog, chickens, a sponsee, or my "inner child"...whoever is screaming the loudest, I will want to take over, control or fix the problem as a reaction without God guidance.  But because of my miswiring, Mothering my way has the spirit behind it which is rooted in worry and fear, and if untreated, looks lik...

12 years ago yesterday I started on a path and had no idea where that would lead-all I knew was that I couldn't continue to do what I was doing and for the first time in my life, I didn't want to die. I was a somewhat functioning alcoholic-meaning I was still employable; and for a long time was able to conceal the daily horror of having to repeat something that wasn't good for me only to give me superficial and temporary relief from my mind's constant chatter. I'm sure that has a label now, but back then I was just considered annoying, bothersome and ungrateful. I never felt comfortable in my skin-everyday felt like the first day of school, nervous, twisted guts, frustrated, and kind of angry that everyone else "knew" how to do life, and were generally ok with everything and everyone-so and I had to fake it or mimic them. I was a false representation of myself; I had no idea who I was and hated myself for the start. I seemed to have a predisposition to be ...

  Forgiveness is not saying what they did was right, logical, kind, good, bad or indifferent-I am practicing forgiving  (forgive them God for they not know what they do-bless them change me ) them so that I may have peace and not let what they did define me or take from me anymore.  BUT-I do not have to engage with them-in fact, unless they are actively seeking God and some self introspection/inventory, and have come to me to offer amends, I want little to nothing to do with them-and that's my authority and right in God  and  my responsibility to practice real discernment. I never thought that I deserved amends or that I could make a choice about who I allowed in my life...I considered myself as a dumpster...I accepted and allowed all the trash because I saw myself as trash. I no longer see myself as trash.  Everyone has the right to exist, and I honor their right to exist, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna hang out with people who have no self...

Intention as currently defined: noun 1. a thing intended; an aim or plan. "she was full of good intentions" So I woke up today with all sorts of intentions. I have a to do list that I just wrote out: House refresh Put shelves together Put miter saw table together Put cart together Mow Yard Send Checks Go to Store I wrote the list well after I set the foundation during morning prayer to align to God and serve others, and asked for all my defects to be removed so that I could be made an instrument for good- Thy will not mine be done.  So that sets the tone for how I  intend  to handle myself while doing these tasks, also, I have to be willing to set all my plans and designs aside if God calls me to not to do those things, and to not throw a fit if those things do not get done.  How am I fitting myself to be of service to God and others if I do not even leave the house?? I see everything as a opportunity to grow; to learn to be mindful and present-to overcome ...