Grateful that I never have to approach anything casually again.
Because people in AA commitmented to me and taught me what that looked like, I truly value commitment and now am able consider myself and others on a deeper level.
Casual is defined as: relaxed and informal, or without commitment or permanence; occasionally or irregularly. That is just not how I approach life anymore, not to be labeled as this, that or another...just not how I perceive things-including sex; but coming in here that was certainly NOT the case!!!
As a part of my dis-ease which includes but not limited to, is the addiction to excitement and drama, so I got high from juggling men- "cas" was how I rolled! I couldn't follow through, commit, consider or value others, even if I wanted to- let alone myself, so I was pretty unreliable and irresponsible even though I didn't think so.
If someone needed me to be responsible I would approach it as:
How is this gonna affect me
What's in it for me
How can I make this about me
How can I make me look good for doing it.....which is why we refer to alcoholism as a dis-ease of selfishness.
I remember telling my sponsor about this guy I was "with" and how I was going to off load him so that I could pursue and be with my now husband without any fallout! So basically how could I get out the mess I created so I could have a new clean life.
I'm sure I had tons of reasons why I did what I did as at the time, I felt I had to do things to get certain outcomes that would ensure my survival. I'm sure I was talking super fast and telling her all this as if I was standing on a battlefield running from snipers-as all of this seemed life or death at the time. Unfortunately many were caught in the crossfire of my internal war.
THANK GOD she didn't judge me or shame me. Whatever she thought about me or my behavior wasn't revelvent as she stuck to the program and our simple slogans as I couldn't digest much at the time even though I thought I was way too intelligent for her and AA. There was not any moral high ground talk, as those things are for me to come to on my own with God in private and not for the sponsor to reveal to me that early in the game.
However, as a side note, if we have been here for a long time and still behaving this way and our sponsor hasn't called us to task, then the sponsor is doing a huge disservice not just to them, but to AA as a whole-in my opinion.
But, when we are new, we are supposed to be messy!!!
As I have grown up in AA, again, my values have changed. I value commitment, I value peace, I value stability, I value my body, I value other people's time, energy, feelings and their bodies. I personally steer away from the casual anything as there are still universal laws of cause and effect-even for the casual, and thankfully I love myself too much to put that sort of wear and tear on my body and spirit anymore!!
Thanks