“Selfishness-self-
Driven by a hundred forms of fear,
self-delusion, -a form of self-deception where an individual ignores or rationalizes away evidence to maintain a specific, often more comfortable, perception of reality (softer and easier way)
self-seeking, an excessive, often exclusive, focus on one's own interests, profit, or desires, typically at the expense of others. It is characterized by selfish, narcissistic, or egocentric behavior, where personal gain is prioritized over the well-being of others.
and
self-pity, an excessive, self-absorbed focus on one’s own misfortunes, often fostering a feeling of being a helpless victim and a "why me?" mentality. It hinders personal growth and strains relationships by creating emotional distance, reducing empathy for others, and fostering negativity.
"we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate.' meaning they may actually respond or react in a negative way to the self seeking motives that we had going into the relationship
Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt."
So essentially I made a lot of decisions, actually all my decisions were based in self in one way or another; and I always got hurt by them somewhere down the line. This because my motives were never just to do the right thing, for all involved, it was always interwoven with some unhealed or unexamined defect that steamed from another prior survival or selfish decision. And since I at the time didn't have the tools or courage to look at it, I pretty much always found a way to blame someone else or if only the situation "if only I had...." "if only they would...." If only things were not this...LOL!!
When I got sober, I was still doing that; as a matter of fact, I am still having repercussions from those selfish decisions I made in early sobriety. This is just how things get balanced out universally. If I pretend otherwise, do not learn from my mistakes by continuing to blame, and do not seek God to teach me how to make better decisions in the future, then I will have to balance out the new ones on top of the old ones down the- and keep repeating it until I do. So sober or not, alcoholic or not, this is the way of this world-water always finds its balance.
We however have the "super secret sacred knowledge of the universe", whereas the others do not. This is why we hear "grateful alcoholic" because I, like most of my fellows, know what life feels like running on self will, and it sucks bad. And even when we slip back into self, we can quickly re-calibrate so that we do not have to go years and years into a self propelled, self delusional state where the balance feels akin to being struck by a massive rubber band! It's just earth science-cause and effect-boomerang...what goes up, must come down.
If I use you to get something I think I need or want, even if that is in some way symbolic of something that everyone else is doing or has done, and it is not in complete alignment with my soul's highest expression, for whatever reason, I don't get away with it. Either my conscience will kick in (thank God I have one) or the universe throws me back on track but not before allowing me to feel the repercussions of being off track. Which is fine, most change comes through pain. Pain is a symptom. Pain is a good indication that something is wrong- so instead of throwing alcohol or whatever on that, which is adding more problems, we ask God for the courage and strength to face the root cause and AA gives us the tools, how to properly process and maturely handle the residue of life lived on the misuse of self will.
There is always a way back, it all depends how far I want to take it and whether or not I am self aware enough to know that I am on the wrong path-which is a problem, more like an epidemic; so daily inventory, willingness and courage to face that I may have been wrong, is truly the key. No one is gonna die if I admit to myself and God wrong doing-except maybe the negative ego, and THAT is a good thing!!