Willingly; readily- of one's own free will.
Self-will; refers to the determination to act according to one's own desires and inclinations, often in opposition to divine guidance or authority.
The BB teaches us:
It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.pg 85
I can easily get myself entangled in all sorts of shenanigans depending upon my spiritual condition that day employing the proper use of self will. This is why I can't rest on yesterday's prayer and meditation. This is why I can't rest on yesterday's inventory. This is why I can't rest on yesterday's vision to carry God's will into all my activities. The Big Book isn't an inspirational read, it's an instruction manual as to how the recovered alcoholic must learn to live in order to have some semblance of peace and trust so that our life doesn't become unmanageable and we don't start or engage in nonsense.
When I am in opposition to divine guidance and order because I want things my way, good or bad, (because sometimes my way can be logical and right) that doesn't mean it is right in the big picture. The more I push back on what is, or force the inorganic outcome, the more unmanageable my life will be. More often than not, in order for something or someone to get back into alignment with the Mother's creation, (nature-earth) a lot of bad stuff must go down first. So while it's uncomfortable, and even tragic to watch, I trust that the Mother, and the Father, in their divine wisdom, to know more than me, the child who is just going to leave it up to them while I simple ask them how I can to do align to them and not my limited 3-D vision, or version, of the situation or day.
Each day I am getting better at standing down, holding the line and observing. Being still doesn't mean I am sitting in a lotus position all day, it means that I am not getting involved with other people's walk with my interpretation, action or judgments. I am not commenting on people's posts just to insert more noise into the ether. I am not running around like a chicken with my head cut off to ensure that all is clean and organized so that I can feel peace. If I am to embody real peace, I need to be ok if my home, my loved ones, or my country isn't operating according to my plans and designs right now.
My physical home is a TOTAL work in progress, and fractally represents my spiritual house as well. Seriously, I dig how my HP teaches me...even though it's been a struggle. She, like any good Mother, was like, "Ok, you want to own a house, have a husband, have a car, start a side gig, have chickens, dog/cats and nice yard, garden, ect...great! Let me teach you how you can have those things in proper order-not how you obtained them before."
Let me teach you about accountability, liability and responsibility.
Let me teach you about what real love is.
Let me teach you how to set boundaries.
Let me teach you how to respect other people's boundaries even if they didn't set any.
Let me teach about long term goals and not instant gratification.
Let me teach you about sacrifice and hard work.
Let me teach you about denying yourself your desires.
Let me teach you about respecting your neighbors and how to be in good standing with the community and not be a liability to them-even with your energy.
Let me teach you how to properly care for my creatures and creation that I and am entrusting you to care for.... And so much more.
The Father provides the a structurally sound and safe environment so that the Mother can rewire me and teach me what it is to be an honorable woman who considers others, not obsessing on others (huge difference) and how I can be at perfect peace and ease even if they aren't acting in the role I assigned them. OF COURSE I fall short!! Jesus Christ, who wouldn't!?! This is a lot to relearn! But each day I suit up and show up to my Parents, my real parents and say; What would you have me do today? Thy will not mine be done-And when I fall short, I get up and I do it again.
Perfectionism is my ego's excuse to keep me from just doing stuff, learning stuff, trying new things and failing at them, which is how we learn to figure out what we are and are not good at. The biggest lie ever told is that I can do anything and everything even if I can't or shouldn't. That is evil. You tell a child that they need to be perfect the first time they try something and that they can do anything and everything they want, is actually setting them up to inorganically fail if we do not set realistic and attainable goals by. That if they don't succeed at what "they" want when they are just learning about life is absurd. I wanted to be an actress. Like nothing else mattered but me being in hollywood. THANK GOD that didn't work out and I became an alcoholic instead!! LOL!!-but I am totally serious as we see that construct finally be exposed and die off as it should.
I thought because I wasn't an actress I was a failure and anything less like being a mother or wife was for the simpleton, less evolved and intellectually compromised. I remember when I was in my "hay day", I would hit the liquor store, as I did everyday when I got off work, and the owners of the store were I believe to be from a Turkish descent. It was the husband in front, wife, grandmother, and grandfather, and inlaws in back cooking. She had her daughter there and she was pregnant with their son. I remember in all my American Women arrogance thinking "look at her, poor gal, knocked up and in the kitchen...might as well be barefoot". Meanwhile I am working for nothing but survival so I can go home, drink, and maybe have a hookup over the weekend boosting about how "free" of a woman I was!!
This is so hilarious to me now. She was a queen! Her husband loved, provided and protected her from what I had to do each day. She was a business owner in the Napa Valley. She had her beautiful children with her at work...I met both of them, and had a generational business. I MEAN....the level of delusion is off the charts as to what freedom is and looks like is insane-and the "Mother" is over having her roles she assigned minimized and marginalized by an angry drunk women who make bad choices or an angry sober woman who won't own those bad choices and instead blames men or pigmentation of skin for their complacency.
So as I learn a new way, God's way, I am perfectly progressing in all earnestness and all willingness in all my endeavors today, under the divine guidance, direction and protection of The Holy Father and Mother in divine right order and union within God's jurisdiction as GOD would have it be- since I, in my arrogance and social conditioning, forfeited what that women had obtained naturally, living as a natural women, for what I wanted instead.
I got me drunk, my HP got me free-and now she teaches me what freedom really means-and it's really, really hard work. But at least it's honest labor- both spiritual and physical. So how free do you really want to be?? Delusional culturally accepted version of freedom or The Holy Mothers version??