When I was lonely I used to look for ways to get "filled"-filling the void by using people, tv, food, attention, work, promotion, sex, anything really. Alcohol was the means for which I medicated/numbed myself to either do the things I thought I needed to get "filled" with, or to suppress the guilt and shame I felt by doing them. Anxiety that I would have to continue to do it-not knowing if this time I would actually get fired, broken up with, or even kill someone-I knew I would still have to drink. No one wants to be a vampire or predator that has to consume some-one or some-thing in order to get relief from a spiritual malady from a mind that convinces you that you need to do this even if it's causing great harm. That's insane.
So when I worked my program and recovered from the hopeless state of mind and body and my alcoholic torment was removed by God and I was essentially restored to sanity because I no longer sought to consume alcohol because my slate was clean. The void/hole was filled by a primary purpose to serve God by carrying the message to the next sick and suffering alcoholic and practicing the principles in my life. Not perfectly, but perfectly consistent-always progressing.
When I apply to the program of action I am less likely to get bogged down to the point of having to seek relief. And when I do get off track the Steps realign me back to God where I get nourished and grow from the experience that prior would have been a reason to drink and or completely fall apart. In other words-I don't get taken out by normal life stuff or sent back to the drink, because I now have a way to process things without consuming alcohol. I have support-not reliance, from the fellowship, spiritual fit teachers and of course myself with all reliance on God who will and does sustain me.
The problem before, which also happens in sobriety, is repeating the same thing over and expecting a different result-this can take form as an expectation on someone or something to be different than it is, or they are; and the more I insist on them or it being my way, the more I suffer and cause suffering even if I genuinely do not intend to. I'm not even saying that my way is wrong, but it is wrong because my way is not their way at this time. When the feedback loop begins back up with my continued persistence to keep us all on the wrong path/my way, the repeat mode is on until something changes and restoration of sanity can again be achieved with and in that specific area of current unmanageability that causes insanity of the repeat to give us another opportunity to see it over and over and over until addressed. It's really merciful actually.
I am in battle everyday with this in some form, as we all are, whether we choose to consciously participate with it, or not. When you become conscious of it, you need armor and a sword. I get that with and in God, in purpose (sponsoring, willing to sponsor) and practice. Just like anything, you get better at it the more you practice and choose to consciously participate with it. With Courage from God and through willingness to admit when wrong, you naturally begin to build confidence and your skill set becomes better and stronger. Always making sure all holes are filled from the last go round by thoroughly applying the Steps to that incident that caused the derailment that invited discourse in. Then learn from it and teach the lesson to others about what not to do-otherwise what the hell is the point?!? Pride?? Really?? Then suffer the fall. I rather have diminished pride than be taken out by the ego's insanity to hold me hostage to an identity. There is zero integrity in that-zero. It' the coward's way.
When I am armed, armored up, I am whole, then I am filled. When something is whole, and seeks to stay whole by getting filled daily with good stuff, then one never feels empty or alone. It's when I am restless, irritable and discontent that starts the cycle of seeking things or others to be different, that is the dis-ease that wants me to start to seek relief in things that cause holes in my armor so that "it" can get in. That is why we in AA are all about uncovering the causes and conditions that caused us to seek relief in alcohol to begin with. Then, once sober, we need continued treatment for our emotional nature.
God, working with others and the principles of the program keeps us growing. If I am not growing up in AA, then I am stuck in stasis somewhere in AA and that needs to be addressed because I will then start to try to keep others stuck and attempt to bring them down the my level because I don't want to be alone and am afraid to move forward and that is not ok. And a sponsor needs to recognize this and not keep a human being stuck and dependent upon them-that is a gross misuse of a sacred role in my opinion.
If I am isolating, that is way different than solitude. Isolation is when you are terrified to be around people because they might test you and force you out of your comfort zone. I LOVE my solitude, I love my life, and I love this program that reconnected me back to God so I can continue to grow in my sobriety. I plan on continuing to grow no matter my age because I KNOW that growth in all areas is for my soul's continued growth-in others words, this is not the end all be all. My cup needs to be filled everyday no matter how much sober time and no matter my physical age-it's just now that cup gets filled with God, purpose, being here, and doing all the amazing stuff I get to do in my own backyard-not by alcohol. I can't grow from yesterday's water, just like I couldn't get drunk on yesterday's alcohol.