In between the stories of the man, Jim, who convinces himself that he can drink as long as his alcohol is in milk, and the Jaywalker who gets a thrill from jumping in front of cars even though he doesn't think so, is this passage I want to share:
We have sometimes reflected more than Jim did upon the consequences. But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out. Next day we would ask ourselves, in all earnestness and sincerity, how it could have happened. In some circumstances we have gone out deliberately to get drunk, feeling ourselves justified by nervousness, anger, worry, depression, jealousy or the like. But even in this type of beginning we are obliged to admit that our justification for a spree was insanely insufficient in the light of what always happened. We now see that when we began to drink deliberately, instead of casually, there was little serious or effective thought during the period of premeditation of what the terrific consequences might be.
pg. 37 Chapter More About Alcoholism of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
I remember one time I "quit" after a couple of nights in jail for almost drinking and driving; the details are just noise, but it was an opportunity that was supposed to get my attention-after that I had somewhat admitted to myself that I probably wouldn't have had to go through that if I had not been drinking. So that was about as far as I was willing to take it.
I was giving a baby shower for a friend and I had convinced myself that because the wine was pink with low alcohol, I could just have a few. After that, I was back in action. So the horror and degrading embarrassment of being in jail didn't "stick" or override my compulsion to justify and rationalize the first drink. I simply had no effective defense against the thought that comes in my head and tells me that it's ok this time and that I can drink normally. Thus this one thought that has the power to convince me that all truth and the nature of reality, isn't'- is my enemy. What's worse, is that you don't know that the enemy is within because all the years of externalization and rationalization of things support the "thought" that it was because of "XYZ" that I drank. So You are constantly having to rearrange everything to fit that delusion in order to continue to drink. It's absolutely exhausting!!!
I had to go through a few more years of incomprehensible demoralizing to see the true nature of alcoholic insanity. At first I was blinded by my concept of insanity as insane asylums and straitjackets; but after further investigation and after reading these stories, I began to comprehend that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. It's the state of being not "whole". I always felt empty and nature doesn't do "empty space", something will inevitably fill it, but now I intentionally "fill" up with that power that combats the first thought because of what I learned here and as a result I no longer desire to drink. Restored to sanity. Pretty amazing huh?!? I am still in wonder and amazement by this power that I fill up with daily. I could NEVER have done this on my own-it was a divine intervention that separated me from alcohol long enough to get here to get fed properly.
When one is properly nourished and seeking that nourishment daily, one can commence to grow and feed others who are hungry. My only job is to not neglect my garden, which is me, by allowing any "weeds" (spiritual, emotional or physical) to constrict my growth and bearing good fruit, by addressing what pops up, or in, as soon as I become consciously aware of it. Also, by me staying in my own garden bed...I need not insist that your garden would be prettier or healthier if I was in it...LOL! We tend to want to tend to other gardens when our garden looks pretty good from the outside. I am learning to recognize undefined borders and boundaries, remaining vigilant about how I can easily justify and rationalize popping up in someone else's garden uninvited. I've been outside a lot if you can't tell!!