Recovered Alcoholic

  To one who feels he is an atheist or agnostic such an experience seems impossible, but to continue as he is means disaster, especially if he is an alcoholic of the hopeless variety.   To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face. But it isn’t so difficult.  About half our original fellowship were of exactly that type.  At first some of us tried to avoid the issue,  hoping against hope we were not true alcoholics.  But after a while we had to face the fact that we must find a spiritual basis of life—or else.   Perhaps it is going to be that way with you.  But cheer up, something like half of us thought we were atheists or agnostics.  Our experience shows that you need not be disconcerted." I hoped for many, many, many years, that I wasn't an alcoholic. I tried everything to avoid the truth. I switched drinks, jobs, dudes, friends, gods, but eventually everything crashed in a...

   'Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people around us." Indeed. I desperately needed purpose amidst the chaos, then and especially now. I didn't know what that was or what that looked like, I just knew that something was missing. Service to my fellows willing to go to any lengths to get well, has been the highlight of my life. Being used by God, not the enemy, far and away suits me better. I was designed for God's use, which is why when I was being used by my dis-ease to create madness for myself and others, caused a schism in my makeup. I don't do well without purpose. I know that everything I went through and put others through has meaning, otherwise what's the point? I learned a lot out there in the acholic trenches that I can now use to help others. I see my time out there as boot camp, God saw the bigger picture when I couldn't. I am grateful that I never have to go back-that all I mu...

  "Under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue. Simply we tell him that we will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past. We are there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worthwhile can be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell him what he should do. His faults are not discussed. We stick to our own. If our manner is calm, frank, and open, we will be gratified with the result."    I mean it doesn't get more simple than that. Simple, not easy. It's not easy for me to  not  run down the laundry list as to why I feel justified in resentment, anger and frustration for what I perceive they did for me to cause me to behave the way I behaved; or react the way I reacted. It's not easy for me to not tell people what they should do. It's not easy to not point out their faults. All this AA stuff is counter intuitive to what I learned "out there" so I needed cou...

I have been super sick with the flu, better, still weak and sleepy, but grateful the worst has passed. I went back to bed this morning after my husband left, just to have the most vivid and lucid defect dream. I mean I was just spinning all over the place in drama with my husband's ex. Little side dramas were incorporated into it.  Anyway, it was, I was bat s*** crazy. I was running my mouth, gossiping, belligerent (not drunk) just belligerent, wanting to fight, telling Brian what he needs to do; I mean SO insanely ridiculous, but very real to who I once was.  I was so grateful when I woke to my simple and boring and glum life! LOL!!! I did mourn that life and those defects, not get me wrong.  I felt empty without the drama for a while, just like with the substances I used. I was like, "who am I gonna be without drama, the left vs. right paradigm, the noise, the distraction, the impulses, the excitement....Who will I be and what will I do for fun and for excitem...

  Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 92 There is so much freedom in internalizing, finally, that I do not have to put people on a pedestal, or throw them into a pit for not meeting my expectations. I wanted so much for someone, somewhere out there to be normal, to have all the answers, to tell me how to do life! Make me feel good damit!! That's what I was searching for and frustrated by my whole life. I looked for the answers in people, never God.  When I was disappointed by people for not delivering the results I wanted, (perhaps they were spiritually sick as I was) I then became the great punisher and accuser. I used that as a reason to drink, cheat, lie, steal, gossip....How dare you not be perfect!! How dare you not know. How...

  We, who have traveled this dubious path,  beg you to lay aside prejudice, even against organized religion . We have learned that  whatever the human frailties of various faiths may be, those faiths have given purpose and direction to millions.  People of faith  have a logical idea  of what life is all about. Actually,  we used to have no reasonable conception whatever.  We used to  amuse ourselves by cynically dissecting spiritual beliefs and practices when we might have observed that many spiritually-minded persons of all races, colors, and creeds were demonstrating a degree of stability, happiness and usefulness which we should have sought ourselves.    Instead,  we looked at the human defects of these people, and sometimes used their shortcomings as a basis of wholesale condemnation .  We talked of intolerance, while we were intolerant ourselves.  We  missed the reality and the beauty of the forest because w...

  I relate to the "hurry" defect-it seemed to have infected all the women in my family. Running around like chickens with our heads chopped off turned them, and me kinda nutty, seeking relief in booze. I witnessed a woman in my home group behaving this way as she was setting up for some pot luck we were having. She wouldn't let anyone help, she wanted it to be perfect, her energy wasn't good, she was fake, like she wasn't even in her own body. I recognized my mom, grandma, cousins, aunts, and me, in that spasticity- hurrying- vacated state of being. It's like being an automaton. Controlling, but not in control of her own body. The more I seek to control and manage, stay ahead of, and hurry, the less I am in my own skin and mind in the moment. If I am infected by "what's next" I can't just be, or appreciate anything. In observing this woman and her energy of pushing everyone away so she could have her perfect potluck, I was able to amend that...

I love someone's share earlier, and for me it was spot on as to what was suggested to me when I was a newcomer. Don't make it, any of it, about you. It's not Thanksme Day. I could, and did, and sometimes still do (in my home with my husband), like to perceive my life like my personal sitcom. Arranging the actors and the stage to fit me and how I want things to go. This sort of bondage to self is annoying to people. Putting pressure on everyone to make me feel ok and to have things how I want. Like they have to go the extra mile to make me feel comfortable. I needed a standing ovation for just showing up. ME-ME-ME...Look at me, love me, feel sorry for me, help me...etc. My first sponsor instilled in me that I suit up and show up and be that for others. How can I be of service here? Do I have just cause for being here? God, show me how you want me to represent you in all my dealings with people. God grant me pure motives before speaking-guide my communications. God let...

  "So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties. To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't . You will note that we made an important qualification. Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion, 'Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place? Or am I expecting to steal a little vicarious pleasure from the atmosphere of such places?' If you answer these questions satisfactorily, you need have no apprehension. Go or stay away, whichever seems best. But be sure that your motive in going is thoroughly good. Do not think of what you will get out of the occasion. Think of what you can bring to it. But if you are shaky, you had better work with another alcoholic instead!" So right off the bat, when God got me sober in Apri...

  How I personally use the Steps to stay in God's will is by keeping short accounts! My initially first few 4th Steps revealed a lot of defects that blocked me from receiving instruction because I was more compelled to follow what the mind was directing me to do which was riddled by defects. I was looking up the work defects in the dictionary this morning  Defect: 1: an imperfection or abnormality that impairs quality, function, or utility : SHORTCOMING, FLAW So my defects impair my quality, function of utility so serve God's will. I thought I needed my defects to make money and navigate my way through this world-who would I be without my defects??  Charlie says (from Joe and Charlie) something like "How the hell am I supposed to make a living?!?" Suggesting he had to lie to and use his grosser defects in order to operate out here and earn a living. My experience has been that being entirely ready to have him remove my defects and then prayin...

  "So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties. To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't . You will note that we made an important qualification. Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion, 'Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place? Or am I expecting to steal a little vicarious pleasure from the atmosphere of such places?' If you answer these questions satisfactorily, you need have no apprehension. Go or stay away, whichever seems best. But be sure that your motive in going is thoroughly good. Do not think of what you will get out of the occasion. Think of what you can bring to it. But if you are shaky, you had better work with another alcoholic instead!" So right off the bat, when God got me sober in Apri...

  And for those with some longer-term sobriety, what were the first non-drinking moments that you remember being proud of, excited about, or just in awe of? My favorite part about life now are the mornings. I love waking up. I am in awe of everything.  When I was in my disease, hung over, I wanted to die upon awakening. I hated the sound of the birds and the sun shining through my window when I was hung. I would be all sweaty as my body was expelling the toxins. My heart would be racing, I would be beyond thirsty. Depending on what I did or said the night before, would be the deciding factor as to how I experienced another day of hell Most nights I didn't do or say anything. I was a for a long time a functional at home night drinker "to calm the nerves" who managed and practiced the art /delusion of controlled drinking-by control I mean that I measured out each drink, only bought that amount, and knocked myself out with sleeping pills or Nyquil so that...

  And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. Alcoholics Anonymous pp.84-85 Has your new attitude towards alcohol also happened « automatically »?  Yes, this happened for me one day automatically. I couldn't believe that something I was tormented by, w...

  Some of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nil, until we let go absolutely. What are your old ideas? That I have power over others. That I can manipulate God's plans and design them to fit mine That I can use and harm people, including myself (sexually, mentally, physically, spiritually) because who cares; they gonna hurt me so I better do it first That I don't have a allergy (physical, mental and spiritual) to alcohol That I don't have to see the logical points made by those who I deemed "not on my team" whether that be religious, political or otherwise That I am right about everything That going along to get along is the right thing to do because it's popular and I don't want to be shamed That if I don't indulge my defects that I won't be able to survive Just all of who I once was has been let go of, not gone completely but damn near. Are you willing to let go of them? Absolutely let go? Yes, I do not want to ever again...