"Under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue. Simply we tell him that we will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past. We are there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worthwhile can be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell him what he should do. His faults are not discussed. We stick to our own. If our manner is calm, frank, and open, we will be gratified with the result."
I mean it doesn't get more simple than that. Simple, not easy. It's not easy for me to not run down the laundry list as to why I feel justified in resentment, anger and frustration for what I perceive they did for me to cause me to behave the way I behaved; or react the way I reacted. It's not easy for me to not tell people what they should do. It's not easy to not point out their faults. All this AA stuff is counter intuitive to what I learned "out there" so I needed courage and humility to carry out my amends.
I did my first "round" of amends shooting texts and emails to people because "I" just wanted to be done with them and move on to my new life. When I got serious about my sobriety, when I truly wanted to get well and right my wrongs and get right with God, I was guided to a spiritually fit AA powerhouse who was speaking about his amends and doing them as instructed. I had to go to lunch or coffee with the ex'es. I had to sit there, look them in the face and own my stuff. They didn't say "Oh, it's ok -No worries" They heard me. They humbled me. I saw them as real people that I had hurt and harmed. I saw pain in their eyes that I caused.
I got to make amends to two women I swore I would NEVER speak to again no matter what. They had the audacity to call me an alcoholic....LOL! Among other dramas that I won't get into but, I genuinely at the time felt they harmed me. Who am I not to own my stuff? Who am I not to forgive them for the same stuff I was doing when I was spiritually sick? So just because it was done to me now it's bad?!?
I have amends that are living amends, behavioral adjustments, changes in perceptions and conceptions...most just happen naturally as a result of this work, but I want to be on short accounts with my Creator and my fellows. I don't want to let that crap build up in my soul or thiers. I pray every night that God forgives me for the hurt and harm I have brought to others throughout my life and to this world. I try make amends quickly from here forward. Some amends I have that I pray for God to build that bridge to because of certain circumstances that I am not sure would bring more harm than good. And to continue to search my heart for ones that I may have left out.
Amends is a lifetime process, so I don't get stuck in them, I just became willing and continued to move forward into my remaining 3 Steps which give me clarity on some outstanding amends that I may need to make. Getting right sized and humble to my God is well worth the blow to my ego that recoils from the thought of admitting I was in any way wrong and then actually going to those who perhaps wronged me more. But, I am free. I don't even think about them, I just want them to find peace. I do not want to be the instrument for negative upheaval anymore.