To one who feels he is an atheist or agnostic such an experience seems impossible, but to continue as he is means disaster, especially if he is an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face.
But it isn’t so difficult. About half our original fellowship were of exactly that type. At first some of us tried to avoid the issue, hoping against hope we were not true alcoholics. But after a while we had to face the fact that we must find a spiritual basis of life—or else. Perhaps it is going to be that way with you. But cheer up, something like half of us thought we were atheists or agnostics. Our experience shows that you need not be disconcerted."
I hoped for many, many, many years, that I wasn't an alcoholic. I tried everything to avoid the truth. I switched drinks, jobs, dudes, friends, gods, but eventually everything crashed in around me and I was almost homeless. At 37 I was renting a room from my cousin, working to drink and drinking to live. I saw NO WAY out of the nightmare I had to endure just to exist in this world.
My drinking was the only thing I lived for. I lost everything doing life on my terms. The last break up with the guy that was supposed to fix me, was a turning point. I wasn't quite done yet, but I was getting close. I was drinking after a night of working and I recorded myself on the phone talking about him and what went wrong. Not once did I mention my drinking or my overall conduct in this relationship. I was absolutely delusional. I really and truly saw myself as the victim of him and this horrific world. I had no idea how to take accountability for myself, so I stayed safe in the story, the script, I had written to avoid more pain. Bending my mind to such a degree that drinking was the only way I could look at myself in the mirror.
Everyday after I lost that relationship was a nightmare. My bottom consisted of like I said, renting a room, no children, no husband, no hospitality career that I was thriving in prior-I would walk to liquor store, get a half pint of vodka to start my day and pour it into some orange juice. I drank it out of my backpack as I sat on a curb, like the gutter trash I thought I was before I got on the bus to do a waitress job that I couldn't barely handle because I was shaking so badly which is why the drink helped. I didn't have fun or enjoy it anymore...it became a necessary medicine for me to work. The fall from where I was, was big; but that's exactly what had to happen for me to become ready to live a life on a spiritual basis. I begged every night for death, so I believed in God, I just didn't know Him yet.
The last night of my last drink was 4/7/14. I was stoked because I could drink more that night because I didn't have to work the next day. But as the night started to wind down, and I was sipping on my cocktail, I felt like hands around my neck, I wasn't wasted, I didn't get too wasted anymore, just maintained until my Nyquil kicked in. But that night, the nyquil didn't kick in, and I was in the grips of death. For about 10 seconds as this invisible force had me by the neck, a will to live came over me for the first time I didn't want to die-the words or feeling came to me of "Enough-No More".
I had no clue what to do. I called my equally screwed up cousin on the phone and he and I talked for hours about getting sober. He had done the revolving door of AA so he could navigate the rooms, but never committed to the process. All I knew was that I couldn't do this anymore. I woke up the next day and I couldn't breath, I was hyperventilating as I poured the rest of the vodka down the sink.
I called everyone that was still in my life and told them the absolute truth about my drinking. How bad it really was. I don't know why I did that except now looking back, probably for accountability. I had detox ahead of me which required a trip to ER for some valium to calm me down. I was advised to drink a couple of beers, but I chose the valium route as I instinctively knew the taste would take me back. I wasn't a pill addict so I was fine when I was done with the three days of pills and detox. I was physically detoxed, but I had a LONG road ahead.
Before I committed to doing the work, the Steps, I managed to create a lot of unnecessary drama for myself because my spiritual condition was still the same as it was while I was drinking. I made bad decisions based on what I was used to-fight or flight, but it all played a part in reaching yet another bottom to catapult me into real recovery. I committed to getting well, mentally, physically, and more importantly-spiritually. I wanted with all my being to know, not just believe in, the force that saved me that night. My disease was killing me a a power greater that my disease interceded and saved me
I have to live life everyday on a spiritual basis. I am committed to that until the day I am taken out of here. My obsession to drink is long gone, but the battle is on in other ways. But, because I choose everyday to know my Creator and His will for me, I am learning to make better decision and He provides the armor I need
to keep me from what I deem to be a self destruction gene. It's like a part of me is always looking to self sabotage.
It's nowhere near as powerful as it was, not even close-but it's because I stay close to God and rely solely on Him to keep me safe. I am safe because I have courage. I have courage which started with belief. Belief has turned into Knowing. I have no doubt that not only is there a God, but He loves me. He has forgiven me. He wants a relationship with me. He wants me to thrive, not just survive. He wants me to carry the message of AA-and if I do this, if I carry this message and continue to walk this walk, I do not have to fear anything or anyone-least of all going back to what I once was.
If you are new, the hell is over. All you have to do is trust that I am not lying when I say that living life on a spiritual basis is beyond worth it. You are worth it. God separated you from alcohol for just this time. It's time to get busy. The Steps are here, we are ready to take you through them. It is an amazing journey, it shouldn't be missed. We are not perfect, we are not gurus, we are alcoholics who know the torture of living that way, and you never have to live that way again. Even if your bottom doesn't look like mine, even if you haven't lost anything, there is no reason to suffer in your own hell anymore.