I have been super sick with the flu, better, still weak and sleepy, but grateful the worst has passed. I went back to bed this morning after my husband left, just to have the most vivid and lucid defect dream. I mean I was just spinning all over the place in drama with my husband's ex. Little side dramas were incorporated into it.
Anyway, it was, I was bat s*** crazy. I was running my mouth, gossiping, belligerent (not drunk) just belligerent, wanting to fight, telling Brian what he needs to do; I mean SO insanely ridiculous, but very real to who I once was. I was so grateful when I woke to my simple and boring and glum life! LOL!!! I did mourn that life and those defects, not get me wrong.
I felt empty without the drama for a while, just like with the substances I used. I was like, "who am I gonna be without drama, the left vs. right paradigm, the noise, the distraction, the impulses, the excitement....Who will I be and what will I do for fun and for excitement?" I poked and prodded my husband for a while to get him to react or do something to feed the monster, but I felt ultimately that provoking drama with him or anyone else was doing them harm, so I let go of that-or I allowed God to remove the obsession to get high from turmoil.
We were on a drive the other day, no spastic taking, no excitable topics, just driving and being. I said to him, "I think I have lost my edge" he said, ``I like you this way better." I was calm, relaxed, no need to create more noise in this world, no desire to get him riled up because I wasn't getting my way about something or another. Just being still and ok. The biggest issue for me, I didn't want to be boring, forgettable or ordinary. I wanted to always stand out. I always wanted my way, things to go my way, or people to behave the way I wanted.
Problem with my form of standing out was that people got hurt, couldn't relax or they just stopped wanting to be around me because I had to be talking or fearing or bitching. Now that I have matured somewhat, and God has removed defects that used to spin everyone out, we all get to calm down and have some peace. Even if I am not the one doing the stirring up, they, he or life is, I am learning how to not react to that. If maturity. courage and serenity is boring and glum, I am absolutely fine with that!