Recovered Alcoholic

The title of the personal story/testimony of our program in the back of the book (Fear of Fear), reminds me how very important it is for me to go to the front of the book for the Solution to  selfishness, thoughtlessness and foolish behavior that cause fear. I no longer have to live a life where I don't consider other people if I am currently considering them-or at least learning how to. Considering people doesn't mean to please them, it's ascertaining if your presence in their life is beneficial to both of you. If so, then I don't have to work double to prove myself worthy-and neither do they. I get to constructively look at any foolish behavior from my past- even if it was yesterday , sober or not sober, and learn how to process it properly so I don't have to create delusional narratives about what went down or to cringe myself into stasis. I've learned to own it, seek higher ground and forgive myself for all the things I...

I love everything about Doctors Opinion because when I finally read it I was starting to get a clear picture (along with some guidance from others) as to what I was actually suffering from. The more I studied the big book, and the more information God was helping me to string together-the better I could convey, using my personal experience, what I was reading and weave it into my shares which makes us better instruments for God.  This is why we continue to study and stay in the program-to be of Maximum service to God using our experience in hell to show the next sick and suffering alcoholic precisely how we recovered.  Only we know what it's like giving the humiliating "Frothy appeal" and truly meaning it at the time- just to turn around and drink, sometime within hours of that display  and  resenting the person you had to give the emotional appeal to!!  You can't improve on what is already perfect and true. What is true i...

I always read the lead up to the passage shared by our weekly share as an opportunity to meditate and tune into what is being expressed and how I relate to it; I then I get to expand on the concept with my experience with what was shared. What a cool process!  Anyway, the story leading up to chosen quote is about the guy who smokes and drinks too much coffee after getting sober and his wife up his ___ about it-she reminds me so much of me when I'm on a controlling spree because I am in fear about something. And of course my husband is the receiver of most of it.  A controlling or obsession spree always stems from fear. My insistence upon people doing things my way, even if I'm ''right'', is still a misuse of self will because I am imposing my will onto them. This is robbing them or him of their dignity because he did not give me his consent to micromanage or obsess on him, nor is he trying to quit or overcome whatever it is I am fearing him d...

''This thought brings us to Step Ten, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along.   We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past .'' This passage and introduction to Step 10 is assuming that it is speaking to someone who is seriously gung ho about continuing to grow. Bill uses the word vigorously a couple of times (vigorously means in a way that involves physical strength, effort, or energy; strenuously) in the BB because is stresses importance.  If I spend time and effort into cleaning up my home, I certainly would not want to run back in and destroy it-but, if I am prone to doing that, then I need continued education to keep me connected to the Source that can remove the compulsion to do that. Once it's clean, we hopefully want to keep it clean. ''We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not a...

About 6 month ish before I got sober, I had a devastating break up because he found out I was talking to other guys and he was on to my drinking. This was my last chance to have a real relationship, get married, have children...he was supposed to be my savior and make everything better so I wouldn't have to drink or talk to guys on the side anymore....man did he fail me! LOL!  When this was going on I sought out my childhood religion-and in a state of desperation found myself at a Spanish speaking mass but felt no relief, no white light, no words that inspired me, no one running up to me to fix or help me.  But even if the mass had been in English, even if they all ran up to me and asked me what I needed, even if God itself flew in on a cloud of white light, I know I probably wouldn't have seen it, heard it or accepted it. I don't blame my childhood religion for not meeting my needs that day because I wasn't there for my drinking...I was still blaming...

I am in amazement that something that had such a grasp on me, that I obsessed and suffered for and made my HP has been removed. I devoted about 20 years to alcohol as a solution for relief until AA taught me that there was another way.  The way of AA didn't involve temporary or instant relief from the symptoms of living life on self will like alcohol did...it involved surrendering it ALL over and becoming teachable to take up my bed and walk as a stable and free women. All my prior ways of doing life were systematically discarded to be made new.  God lifted the obsession to drink as I set out to learn what it means to have a sane response in regards to alcohol. I absolutely cannot drink ever again. I have an allergy that results in an obsession that turns into the phenomenon of craving something that is poisonous, toxic and will kill me-but it has the power to tell me otherwise.  It will convince me if I consume just one drop, that I can hand...

I remember when I first heard that phrase I thought "what in the hell does that mean" ...the old timey language-as I called it, still spoke through my ignorance until I caught up. Nothing needed to change to accommodate me or my alcoholism. It took me longer to find fun than it was to find joy, contentment and peace. Now I am at a stage where I am not taking myself, or any of this so seriously, which has opened me up to genuine fun and laughter. It doesn't mean that I am not accountable, committed or responsible-it means that I can laugh and be silly without going to the extreme where I have to perform for others or keep that level of fun going forever. It's ok when the party ends, so to speak. I didn't ever want the excitement of looking forward to something to end either so I think I confused excitement with fun. For example; I didn't know the difference between chasing the feeling and excitement of the 'first kiss' vs. the longevity of a committed r...

Pattern recognition is what separates the girls from the women....this is the Step where rubber meets the road. Becoming aware of oneself, or having an awake Spirit- aka spiritual awakening, is like when you see a character in a movie go "off script" and they start talking back to the director, camera, or the audience instead of repeating the same ol lines that brings about the same ol results. If something is happening over and over again, then I am quite literally an automaton stuck in a feedback loop or trauma cycle. This I have found "serves" me when I do not want to take ownership or responsibility for something that I am in great fear of. So it's basically easier to just fall back and repeat what I know because I'm afraid to grow up. That's where I MUST be willing to employ God as my manager for courage to be turned into a new being that is aligned and attuned to God source and so to not keep repeating the patterns o...