The title of the personal story/testimony of our program in the back of the book (Fear of Fear), reminds me how very important it is for me to go to the front of the book for the Solution to selfishness, thoughtlessness and foolish behavior that cause fear.
I no longer have to live a life where I don't consider other people if I am currently considering them-or at least learning how to. Considering people doesn't mean to please them, it's ascertaining if your presence in their life is beneficial to both of you. If so, then I don't have to work double to prove myself worthy-and neither do they.
I get to constructively look at any foolish behavior from my past-even if it was yesterday, sober or not sober, and learn how to process it properly so I don't have to create delusional narratives about what went down or to cringe myself into stasis. I've learned to own it, seek higher ground and forgive myself for all the things I did when I thought I was separate from God.
I did the most ridiculous things in my drinking days...and not just when I was drinking. Granted, it took longer to admit those things to myself because of all the different storylines I had created over the years steaming from them-but, once I did, I was free. These stories are now funny to me because they don't define me and have been cleaned and cleared-not just pushed down so I can't see them.
I don't feel "fear" if everything is manageable-and if I do, then the fear is a symptom of a misalignment from a decision I made from fear of not getting something or someone I want- so outside of trusting God-aka self reliance.
When fear creeps up, a past storyline, or normal life issues-I have a program and a solution I can apply to every problem at hand if I have the capacity for honesty. Before I did not. What I did have back then was coping skills, not growing ones. If I don't immediately identify it and just allow myself to be consumed by it, it will take longer and longer to recalibrate.
Zero growth comes from the lies I tell myself, or the opposite extreme of beating myself up to death about it. The Steps will remove all of the residue of old belief systems, and God gives me the courage to face myself and them, depending upon the incident. I amend it, stop doing it, and then tell you about it so that it completes the circuit.
By using the incident that used to haunt me in service, it neutralizes it and the effects so that specific thing doesn't continue to own me or cause me to make another misaligned decision based upon a lie I told myself. Those are what holds me captive to a trauma loop that keeps repeating.
I have no interest anymore in adapting or lowering myself to accommodate my, or anyone's else's delusions to keep from feeling fear. Fear in my opinion, in its proper context isn't bad or good. It's how it's "used" by the alcoholic that determines the outcome. Am I using the fear response as an excuse to remain closed/shut down? Am I addicted to the feeling of it because it's all I know? Am I in real life or death danger? What am I not wanting them to "know" who I really am? What is the truth about this God? Give me the eyes to see and ears to hear....Grant me the Courage...
- We reviewed our fears thoroughly.
- We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them.
- We asked ourselves why we had them.
- Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us?
Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem, or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse.
Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.
We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear. pg 68 How it Works-Alcoholics Anonymous
Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.
We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear. pg 68 How it Works-Alcoholics Anonymous