About 6 monthish before I got sober, I had a devastating break up because he found out I was talking to other guys and he was on to my drinking. This was my last chance to have a real relationship, get married, have children...he was supposed to be my savior and make everything better so I wouldn't have to drink or talk to guys on the side anymore....man did he fail me! LOL!
When this was going on I sought out my childhood religion-and in a state of desperation found myself at a Spanish speaking mass but felt no relief, no white light, no words that inspired me, no one running up to me to fix or help me.
But even if the mass had been in English, even if they all ran up to me and asked me what I needed, even if God itself flew in on a cloud of white light, I know I probably wouldn't have seen it, heard it or accepted it. I don't blame my childhood religion for not meeting my needs that day because I wasn't there for my drinking...I was still blaming others and had not come to the end of me yet.
As my comprehension of the spiritual expands and contracts, so does my understanding of God-and that is personal to me. I am just so grateful that my HP is not alcohol, people or a relationship; and that I never have to live that way again.
I am a wild one so I could never be put in a denominational religious construct. I have absolutely nothing against it, I am just personally experiential, rather than dogmatic. If you tell me not to, I'm going to-so I had to find God on my terms. AA gives me the fundamental and foundational, spiritual and universal blueprint (unkowly) and then the freedom to start my search.
God wants a willing relationship-not one of force or convincing. I wouldn't want a physical relationship that I had to obsess, manipulate, force or convince them of, so why would God want that with me?
I willingly seek God everyday and not those other things that I had to reduce myself to get. If I have to beg, convince, prove or insist upon myself to get something or someone through manipulation or needing to be perceived a certain way-I don't want it. All I have to do is to suit up and show up, do the next right thing and remain teachable to the spirit as we are taught.
If I mess up, which I do-and will; we humbly get back up, admit it, and make the necessary changes to do better. Honesty is our foundation-but unless I am honest with myself the other parts of the program will not stick. I might be able to memorize the entire BB and regurgitate what I heard others say, but unless I am currently having an experience with those words, it's just for show.
I might be wrong, but I'm not lying if I truly believed that to be the truth at the time. What I need to grow is the space where its ok to be wrong, where it's ok to humbly admit that and a place to learn where I can do better next time.
There is no pride to take in God or the spiritual walk. If I don't have the freedom to be wrong or change my mind because I am stuck in fear of being wrong then I will not grow my spirit and my body and mind will deteriorate faster than they should. I would rather the ego death then the prideful one all day everyday.