I went about it like I would have from the perception of saying "sorry" so that I could then enjoy the temporary relief of hearing them say "it's ok". This Step, and all Steps are a practice in honesty and humility and should be honored as such. I don't get to use people or circumstances for quick fixes anyone-so doing drive-by apology sprees with no actual intention to attempt to right the wrong is unacceptable. Thankfully I was teachable by being tossed around a bit more by the dis-ease that I was able to hit another well deserved bottom "in sobriety" that got me OUT of the repeat cycle of my predicted programming.
How can I make this right? Can I make this right? Do I really comprehend what I am "sorry" for? What have I learned from this experience? How do I intend not to repeat the same pattern with other people? How can I transmit this experience into service so that another alcoholic may benefit from how I communicate my experience with this sacred and transformative act?
The Steps are a alchemical process of the removal of self; designed to break through the layers of egoic debris that has blocked me from trusting, hearing and then inspiriting God so that I maybe actually become who I am supposed to be, not who I think you want or need me to be so that you won't leave or abandon me. It's like a phoenix rising from the ashes of what gets burned away-or the smelting process of melting down a metal to get it back to its base original state of raw purity.
If all I want is just to get the temporary satisfaction of the quick fix then I will get that result and my life will reflect that. If I want to be free from the cycle of repetition and purified, then I need to ask for the courage to attempt to neutralize what I sowed into this reality-I'm going to have to go through the refiners fire.
I had to have some uncomfortable interactions-but, I am free, and, I believe that they are too on some level-but that it's my concern. I do these amends for them, I do them because I want to burn up all the lies that block me off from God. I don't grovel, beg or justify. It's a matter of fact-and if they don't accept the attempt, that is absolutely ok because that again, isn't the point. It's about going to any lengths and humbling allowing myself to see that not everybody is overjoyed that I'm sober and on a spiritual path. Most actually could care less...LOL at that's fine too.
My job then becomes trying not to create or bring more harm than good into this world by growing in understanding and expanding spiritually. Essentially I need my light quotation to outweigh the dark to continue to grow. Since I am not a "saint" in the context as we currently interpret the word, and am still very, very much capable of creating harm-THANKFULLY, we, unlike those who aren't alcoholic, have been given an instruction set how to go about right-ing new wrongs on a daily basis. I want to quickly, but thoroughly, neutralize encounters so that I won't have a crazy load of built up plaque on my soul like I did the first time I actually worked the steps.
All action toward sustainable growth depends upon my capacity to be honest with myself and if I genuinely want to grow along spiritual lines by changing my perception. If I've externalized all that which I believe is true about me, others, and God, and refuse to seek the real truth for myself and my motives in a daily self searching honest and moral inventory, then I will have to repeat that same thing until I'm ready.
I'm at the point where I will not engage that much with people who aren't actively going within and searching their heart regularly. Those who are not owning their behavior or at least attempting to right their wrongs I now see as a liability. Not from judgment, better than attitude, or holier than, it's because I know, from experience of not doing it and I was a liability and a threat to others, their homes and their peace because I always needed "something" from them-even if it was just validation because it forces them to have to lie and I do not want that on me anymore. Nothing more beautiful than being able to sit in silence with someone without the head chatter of having to force inorganic conversation to fill me up so I feel better.