The principle that we shall find no enduring strength until we first admit complete defeat is the main taproot from which our whole Society has sprung and flowered.
In the strength of my flesh, or in my self-will, nothing I endeavored to do endured. I would have a burst of temporary momentum only to be met back with the same ol self defeating pattern. This not only with my drinking but with all things I set forth to accomplish because it was all done from the tap root of self/ego. So even if I could obtain my intended goal, it was never enough and I always felt empty and needed more or something else-never satisfied or content.
Even if I "got the job" or the position or the guy, I would be only temporarily satisfied and then get overwhelmed because I didn't set my intentions into being of service to God, let alone set practical boundaries or respect my limitations because I didn't have any. Nothing grounded this live wire so continued to spin out like a charged downed loose electrical wire, and zap all who got near.
I was a great interviewer, and starter girlfriend-a liar, an actor, until I couldn't keep up or manage the facade and I would fall apart. I would run and blame them for having an expectation upon me to do and follow through with what I said I would...LOL!! I continued this pattern in all things including friendships, goals, and ambitions and just continued to tell myself the story my ego needed to hear to get me to my next drink so that I could live with myself.
As I watch in horror as my stepson does the almost exact same dance, I 100% trust God and respect his soul's journey by not interfering. This means no contact. He is deep in delusion and I want no part of that. I love him, but I won't allow myself or my home to be infected by who he is choosing to serve at this time. If someday he chooses to serve God through the admission of Completer Defeat, then I will welcome him back with open arms. The concept that I should continue to accept or allow these things into my home or around me just because I once did them or even participated in that person's current soul sickness, is erroneous. We don't stay sick to punish ourselves or continue to accept sickness because they are family-not if we have done a real and through 9th Step. As God's children we bow before no one. I will not bow to someone's addiction no matter who they are.
Being on this end and seeing the spiritual malady and how it manifests into unmanageability is heartbreaking to say the least-but, I know that enabling his destruction or feeding into to his egos delusions and lies of omission would ensnare and entangle me into it's little song and dance. At this point the part of him that knows I know the real story keeps him away-so he just goes and feeds upon the next person who believes his nonsense until they see through it and get away from him-and I pray they do.
Nothing good comes from this sort of "shuck and jive" fast talking, only caring about how others perceive you, way of life-certainly nothing that will endure or will sustain him through true adversity or real life challenges; nor will it produce anything but broken homes and broken people. Humility in complete defeat is the only way for us who reach the end of our jive talking bs so that we shut up and listen for once. But, because of our stubbornness (which is not cute, it's tragic) and over inflated egos, coming to the end of one's self means a lot of pain, a lot of lies and a lot of wreckage. If they make it out alive, which most won't, they have a place to to come because of the Society that has flowered by tapping into humility that comes from admitting defeat. God is on the other side of Humility-and that can't be explained, it has to be experienced.
Whatever stage of physical sobriety we are in doesn't matter if we are still running a muck in self will. Everyday I must honestly look at areas of my life where there is current unmanageability and ask for a HONEST assessment of how I'm really doing-and because I do this daily, I have the capacity to be honest. Everyday I need to seek complete ego deflation because I fundamentally know that it wants its seat back at the head of the table so I have to consciously seek God with a willing heart as if my life depends on it-because my life does depend on it.
A deflated ego just means my persona is managed by God and not managed by what I want people to think or what and who I think I am. It means I am doing the right thing when nobody is watching and I don't need a standing ovation for doing it. It means I am allowing myself the opportunity to allow God to cultivate my skills and interests that go beyond the ego's limited scope.
When in divine right order all the drama and chaos that comes with juggling lies or living inauthentically, is kept at bay because I am in the flow, or in harmony with what is and with creation- not rebelling, in opposition of, or enforcing my will onto others. But, I can EASILY get hijacked in about 5 minutes so this is why I need to stay awake, vigilant, consciously aware of who I am and clear about who I serve. When I serve God I get my daily reprieve from based nature intrusion.
Thank you to all those souls here that are energetically holding up this AA container so that hopefully some fast talking, egomaniacal lost soul who willing to go to any lengths to be free, finds her way to us-and may we be the bridge that leads her to her HP so that she has has a chance to get off the crazy train and have a real life chopping wood and carrying water just because it's the right thing to do-Imagine that!!
In the strength of my flesh, or in my self-will, nothing I endeavored to do endured. I would have a burst of temporary momentum only to be met back with the same ol self defeating pattern. This not only with my drinking but with all things I set forth to accomplish because it was all done from the tap root of self/ego. So even if I could obtain my intended goal, it was never enough and I always felt empty and needed more or something else-never satisfied or content.
Even if I "got the job" or the position or the guy, I would be only temporarily satisfied and then get overwhelmed because I didn't set my intentions into being of service to God, let alone set practical boundaries or respect my limitations because I didn't have any. Nothing grounded this live wire so continued to spin out like a charged downed loose electrical wire, and zap all who got near.
I was a great interviewer, and starter girlfriend-a liar, an actor, until I couldn't keep up or manage the facade and I would fall apart. I would run and blame them for having an expectation upon me to do and follow through with what I said I would...LOL!! I continued this pattern in all things including friendships, goals, and ambitions and just continued to tell myself the story my ego needed to hear to get me to my next drink so that I could live with myself.
As I watch in horror as my stepson does the almost exact same dance, I 100% trust God and respect his soul's journey by not interfering. This means no contact. He is deep in delusion and I want no part of that. I love him, but I won't allow myself or my home to be infected by who he is choosing to serve at this time. If someday he chooses to serve God through the admission of Completer Defeat, then I will welcome him back with open arms. The concept that I should continue to accept or allow these things into my home or around me just because I once did them or even participated in that person's current soul sickness, is erroneous. We don't stay sick to punish ourselves or continue to accept sickness because they are family-not if we have done a real and through 9th Step. As God's children we bow before no one. I will not bow to someone's addiction no matter who they are.
Being on this end and seeing the spiritual malady and how it manifests into unmanageability is heartbreaking to say the least-but, I know that enabling his destruction or feeding into to his egos delusions and lies of omission would ensnare and entangle me into it's little song and dance. At this point the part of him that knows I know the real story keeps him away-so he just goes and feeds upon the next person who believes his nonsense until they see through it and get away from him-and I pray they do.
Nothing good comes from this sort of "shuck and jive" fast talking, only caring about how others perceive you, way of life-certainly nothing that will endure or will sustain him through true adversity or real life challenges; nor will it produce anything but broken homes and broken people. Humility in complete defeat is the only way for us who reach the end of our jive talking bs so that we shut up and listen for once. But, because of our stubbornness (which is not cute, it's tragic) and over inflated egos, coming to the end of one's self means a lot of pain, a lot of lies and a lot of wreckage. If they make it out alive, which most won't, they have a place to to come because of the Society that has flowered by tapping into humility that comes from admitting defeat. God is on the other side of Humility-and that can't be explained, it has to be experienced.
Whatever stage of physical sobriety we are in doesn't matter if we are still running a muck in self will. Everyday I must honestly look at areas of my life where there is current unmanageability and ask for a HONEST assessment of how I'm really doing-and because I do this daily, I have the capacity to be honest. Everyday I need to seek complete ego deflation because I fundamentally know that it wants its seat back at the head of the table so I have to consciously seek God with a willing heart as if my life depends on it-because my life does depend on it.
A deflated ego just means my persona is managed by God and not managed by what I want people to think or what and who I think I am. It means I am doing the right thing when nobody is watching and I don't need a standing ovation for doing it. It means I am allowing myself the opportunity to allow God to cultivate my skills and interests that go beyond the ego's limited scope.
When in divine right order all the drama and chaos that comes with juggling lies or living inauthentically, is kept at bay because I am in the flow, or in harmony with what is and with creation- not rebelling, in opposition of, or enforcing my will onto others. But, I can EASILY get hijacked in about 5 minutes so this is why I need to stay awake, vigilant, consciously aware of who I am and clear about who I serve. When I serve God I get my daily reprieve from based nature intrusion.
Thank you to all those souls here that are energetically holding up this AA container so that hopefully some fast talking, egomaniacal lost soul who willing to go to any lengths to be free, finds her way to us-and may we be the bridge that leads her to her HP so that she has has a chance to get off the crazy train and have a real life chopping wood and carrying water just because it's the right thing to do-Imagine that!!