I tried many, many, many times to "play the tape through" or bring into remembrance my last degrading or demoralizing escapade-even if it was a somewhat "good night" where I only humiliated myself in private but woke up demoralized anyway, but, I could not. This is because I was powerless over alcohol and over the thought that preceded the drink. The basis and the foundation of the program.
At a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail. This tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it is suspected.
I promise you that I wanted to stop everyday. I wanted to kill myself because I saw no way out. So if all I needed to do was to play the tape through, then I wouldn't be here. I would just be off playing the tape anytime I thought about drinking when something went wrong in my life and I would just know what to do all would be well.
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
I'm the real alcoholic that lost the power of choice to choose. I was drinking ,and no-thing and no-one and no memory would have, or could have stopped me.
My so-called will power was non-existence-yes, none.
I could not bring into consciousness with sufficient force enough memory from my last drunk that ended badly to keep me sober because I had a sick mind and ego that said this time will be different, I got this! Check-I was toast.
I was without defense against the first drink-absolutely.
We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol, our lives had become unmanageable.
This is one of those contradictions in our program that essentially cancels out the necessity to fully admit our powerlessness, so indirectly it invalidates Step 1, and with a incomplete Step One- you don't need Step 2 because your self will is sufficient enough to play the tape through to bring into remembrance the recording. My spiritual malady kept putting tape over the two holes on the top of the cassette and just recorded over my last drunk, so I needed what we call a revolutionary change in perception and not from the mind that kept getting me drunk.
The slogans are short cuts which are fine in a pinch, just as long as we understand and tell the women we sponsor that they are not a replacement for God, Big Book or the Steps. Even if the material AA conference approved-in my opinion. I have discernment and I will not pretend to like this book or the intent behind it, and that's my right and I'm not alone in that. The mind of an alcoholic is twisted, but the soul of one is not. This is why the body drinks because it's in constant turmoil and conflicted by stuff like this because the being, being 3 parts, hasn't yet been brought into wholeness/sanity-so the soul knows contradictions when it hears it and is put off by them.
This is why it's very important that those voices out here crying in the wilderness broadcasting to the real alcoholics whose soul has not yet been devoured by this place, and knows a contradiction when they hear it-those are who I speak to. You can recover if you have the capacity to be honest and admit that you are powerless over alcohol, which again, is the entire foundation of the program-without that, there is no program.
I know to some I sound contrarian, combative, or oppositional-when in actuality if you knew me, and if knew my heart, you would know that I'm not. You would know that I would rather just not put myself out there and go along to get along, but that is not who God created me to be, and it's certainly not the reason I was given my daily reprieve or a sober mind. I live sober because I have been made whole by a force that was sufficient enough to put me back together to have the courage to not be liked.
None of this is personal, nor a crusade to persuade, divide to conquer-and certainly never to disrespect anyone's perception-ever. I do comprehend the need to spoon feed the newcomer, just as long as they are then allowed to eat meat and not be beholden to contradictions by well meaning people or sponsors. I love Alcoholics Anonymous and my fellowship at the core- but that doesn't mean I always agree-and that is absolutely ok as long as one's heart is right-my heart is right and God and I know this. I honor everyone's right to exist and to be here-including mine!!