12 years ago yesterday I started on a path and had no idea where that would lead-all I knew was that I couldn't continue to do what I was doing and for the first time in my life, I didn't want to die. I was a somewhat functioning alcoholic-meaning I was still employable; and for a long time was able to conceal the daily horror of having to repeat something that wasn't good for me only to give me superficial and temporary relief from my mind's constant chatter. I'm sure that has a label now, but back then I was just considered annoying, bothersome and ungrateful.
I never felt comfortable in my skin-everyday felt like the first day of school, nervous, twisted guts, frustrated, and kind of angry that everyone else "knew" how to do life, and were generally ok with everything and everyone-so and I had to fake it or mimic them. I was a false representation of myself; I had no idea who I was and hated myself for the start.
I seemed to have a predisposition to be restless, irritable and discontent....always searching for something to be "filled" with or by that would make me feel ok and put my mind and nerves at ease. When I found alcohol at 13 at one of my family's Christmas parties, I struck GOLD!! I had finally found the cure to ALL my confidence issues and nervous tendencies...I finally fit-and I wanted MORE! That quest to get relief never went away and started to have horrific consequences that didn't sink in or deter me; nor did it remove the obsession to do it again.
I degraded and humiliated myself, lost jobs, relationships, friends, family. All my self worth was wrapped around how everyone else perceived me so I had to lie-a lot. As long as I looked good on the outside, then I was considered good. At 37, I finally came to the end of myself and hit the bottom I so desperately avoided but needed to hit. I had nothing left to hold up the lies, I have lost everyone, and every thing that could or would validate my existence.
I begged God for death as I saw no way back, no comeback from where I was that would or could sustain me. I didn't see how I could possibly live without that relief that was destroying me. The very thing I used to feel better was not only killing me but could have killed someone else, all in my efforts to not have to face who and what I was-a alcoholic. I used a lot of things, and people in my quest to "feel better", and people don't like people who do that very much...LOL! I suffered from a disease of selfishness, as we call it....and I'm so grateful because now I don't have to pretend that self soothing or indulgence is a good thing.
I won't blame or whine about my life, how I grew up, or point any fingers-but I will say that the overall avoidance of reality to avoid pain and keep up appearances is extremely selfish and harmful, nor should it be a legacy to be celebrated or encouraged. Lying about how it really was does nothing to protect them in the after life. I completely own my selfish tendencies to check out, run, hide and leave messes for someone else to clean up. I don't have to pass that on generationally when I can work on my own stuff now so they don't have to.
I have gone to great lengths to clean up what I can and leave the rest to God and now make a conscious effort to do better daily; and, for me, makes life purposeful, manageable, meaningful and authentic-I am very honest and very transparent-as you are only as sick as your secrets and the lies you tell yourself so that you can keep up the facade. I never ever have to live that way again, and for that I am eternally grateful.
I share my story to offer Hope, not to get praise. I did nothing but destroy myself and hurt others along the-but I found a way OUT of the hell of self delusion-and that was the root cause for needing to find relief to begin with. If you are disillusioned by having to repeat something, anything, over and over again and expecting a different outcome as a way to feel better, or do life-there is Hope.
We offer a way back home to the eternal where courage is our code, integrity is developed, and we are strengthened by walking hand in hand with the Spirit. God does and will transform us, stabilize and sustain us as we continue to Trudge the road to happy destinies-and I am its experiencer and its witness.