So many examples I could give on this topic in just this past couple of months, but I will limit it to today. Feeling better, I was outside painting wooden hearts for a upcoming Valentine craft fair and enjoying a wonderful dry, sunny, no wind, day when I decided it would be totally fine to let my new kitten out in the yard with us (me, the dog, chickens and other cat) and I was thinking how comical it would be if the kitten climbed up the tree and got stuck. Then I started thinking about how I judged someone briefly a few months ago for allowing their cat to get stuck somewhere....
(it was a judgmental thought that came in and I allowed it to surface because I refuse to stuff it or pretend it's not surfacing...stuffing it gets me sick, not having the thought)
Anyway, like clockwork in Hilarie's realm, the kitten of course ran up the tree and got stuck. Insert clown sh*t show music!! This is not uncommon for me which is going against my instinct when it comes to ensuring my animals "have fun". This maladjusted childlike response and not listening to my gut, has bitten me a few times in the past-and I think that time between incidences can mislead someone to think they have conquered that particular defect, when in fact, it was simply doing push ups in the next room waiting for the perfect time strike.
Of course I have plenty of people that would say "no big deal Hil, it was a accident" or "it's fine, don't be hard on yourself" that would allow me a quick relief for any sort of responsibility as a pet owner and from doing any sort of searching and moral inventory as to why this is a repeating compulsion to put myself and animals at risk unnecessarily. Now, to counter that, I did and do beat myself up unnecessarily sometimes as a sort of humiliation ritual where I proceed to verbally and mentally attack myself and indulge in this weird exchange with my HP that involves me saying "Look, I am a complete disaster, please just take me home" But not like suicidal, like at all...(no need to sound the 12 Step alarm!! LOL) So I think it is something I need to further explore with my HP...maybe like a give up response?? Like See I suck, I don't want to do this anymore....?!?
So my point is that I must be hard on myself, yes, as the big book states-but, not interpret that as a reason to check out or to masicitically beat myself up. Being hard on one's self I believe back then meant searching, fearless and moral inventory so that we can get down to the root cause and not just blow it off, blame someone else or become cognitively dissident by ignoring the symptoms so I don't have to search.
So I am grateful to be learning and practicing the middle ground between "taking zero responsibility vs. taking all responsibility and hating myself". I was communicating with someone here in our fellowship today, as how none of the principles came naturally to me as a virtue, it's all been practice and work-or progress as we call it, definitely not perfection. The rebound determines whether or not I expand to allow new information about myself to come in and how long that takes will determine how fast or slow I occulate which decides what frequency or channel I'm on on any given day- if I shut down, avoid, makes excuse or blame, I start to get blocked from my HP channel because I don't want to look at it. When blocked spiritually the dis-ease will manifest somewhere in my body or mind.
Something like today's events would have spiraled me out and taken me awhile to humbly share about my mis-take or lapse in judgment-let alone be able to properly communicate it..so that's good news!
The best thing we can do is stay transparent with God and ourselves no matter what-and when we feel comfortable sharing it after it's processed, great...even sharing about it while it's processing immediately turns a humilatilation into right sized wonderful humility, which is something needed now more than ever. We don't have to humiliate ourselves or grandstand when we are particating healthy and daily humility, and for me that starts with surrender to my HP which renders me teachable and open to new information about myself even if I firmly believed it yesterday.
BTW ...Kitty is fine....I got the damn ladder out and the broom and guided her down far enough to jump...I would have been SO mad if I had to call the Fire Department!! LOL!!