I didn't know HOW I could possibly get and stay SOBER! I never felt good, especially SOBER. From the time I was born I was Restless, Irritable and Discontent. When alcohol was removed, my medicine, I was much worse.
The word Restless; unable to rest or relax as a result of anxiety or boredom
The word Irritable; abnormally sensitive; having or showing a tendency to be easily annoyed or made angry.
The word Discontent; lack of contentment; dissatisfaction with one's circumstances; a person who is dissatisfied, typically with the prevailing social or political situation
The word Irritable; abnormally sensitive; having or showing a tendency to be easily annoyed or made angry.
The word Discontent; lack of contentment; dissatisfaction with one's circumstances; a person who is dissatisfied, typically with the prevailing social or political situation
ME- ME- ME
As a child, and on through until I found alcohol, I probably would have been diagnosed with Anxiety, Depression, Bipolar or whatever 3 to 4 letter label was popular at the time. But I didn't go that route and nor did my mom, to which I am grateful. I was actually suffering from the "isms" in alcoholism. My isms/defects are the by-product of my maladjusted perception and mechanisms I used to navigate my way through a world I didn't understand and to emulate the people around me-in attempting to become a part of it, to "fit in" I developed a soul sickness. My mind then became fragmented as I tried to bend it to justify things and do things that felt gross and hurt my guts. If they are doing it, then I guess it's ok. My spiritual malady was already beginning, and would only get worse.
Feeling like I didn't fit, ever, anywhere, not even in my skin. I was in a constant state of fear, worry, anger, guilt, and frustration. My "isms" made it very hard for me to function in school and to form healthy relationships. The torment and chaos within was too much...I found relief in alcohol. That form of relief resulted in a series of horrible fear-based decisions that were beyond codependent and self-destructive. Self-sabotage was the running theme in my life. I will always find a way to destroy myself and
take others along for the ride... and then, of course, blame them!
My "isms"-defects can't be treated with a pill, therapist, booze, drugs, food, sex, a relationship, children, job title, or pretending to have a perfect "Facebook life". The only ease and comfort I ever found was from alcohol. Continuously going back to what was killing me. The insanity for a few hours of relief finally caught up to me in the end.
My world was a complete distortion of reality. All my motives were all fear based and self-seeking. I marinated in self-pity, resentment, and anger because nobody understood me! No one is fixing me. I’d pour another drink and continue to drain those around me until they fled or I ran (fight or flight).
My world was a complete distortion of reality. All my motives were all fear based and self-seeking. I marinated in self-pity, resentment, and anger because nobody understood me! No one is fixing me. I’d pour another drink and continue to drain those around me until they fled or I ran (fight or flight).
My relationships ALWAYS ended badly. I couldn’t understand why they all kept "doing this to me"... It never occurred to me that the problem was me. If it had, I would drink that thought away like the other thoughts that pointed directly to my drinking as the problem. The most I would admit to was that I choose crappy men, friends and employers...lol! Most of them, in retrospect, were normal except that they chose an alcoholic to hang with...except for the ones I hid it from of
course. I was an alcoholic-not them.
course. I was an alcoholic-not them.
FINALLY, I ran out of road at 37. I had officially lost everything. Begging God to take me from this; I wanted to die, I wanted to be with my mom!! I hate this, I hate you, I hate them, I hate me!!! He answered my prayers but not the way I wanted...He directed me to AA. This disease convinces us that it is everyone else's fault and will not stop until we are dead. I turned my life over to alcohol almost daily because I couldn’t meet my own unrealistic expectations that I had on myself. And nobody could meet the unrealistic expectations that I put on them...so of course I would end up alone, drunk or dead.
My Facebook existence was a sham. No marriage, no children, lost career, the family I had left bottled for the most part, no real friends, parents dead. I was a drunk...and death seemed like the only option. God had other plans.
So, here I sit, almost 8 years later I am sober. I am now healthy and have NO desire for alcohol. I am Recovered. I no longer need it, obsess over it, or "crave" it. I, of course, can’t drink it because the allergy will be triggered, but the point is that I DON'T want it!! How crazy and awesome is that??!!!
“We have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn of . Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition." BB, pg 84-85