Children need structure...they do not respond to calm conversation. If they can't behave themselves then there should be real consequences. But if we don't follow though with consequences for them, if we allow them to walk all over us because we feel "guilty" -then we are doing them a grave injustice.
We were just taking about this with my Step Son. He is a spoiled rotten brat...how do I know...because I was a spoiled rotten brat! Does that mean I wasn't sweet, kind and loving, or he...not at all...it's just that he and I never had structure. We just kept getting away with stuff. I carried this into adulthood and became a selfish-self seeking-self centered alcoholic....one reason was because I never had structure or discipline.
My mom and his parents didn't parent...they guilt parented. Parenting from a place of guilt because they felt they had wronged the children by getting a divorce or drinking. Maybe they did, actually the did...BUT-that doesn't mean they get to do what they want or say what they want or get what they want whenever they want it. If they are being brats, punish them-and be ok with them being mad at you. There are anyway. I hope you are working the Steps so that you can properly process the guilt and make amends. They have no right to disrespect you once you make a proper amends for what you put them through. After that, you bow before no one.
People are so damn scared about people or their children being mad at them that they allow them to get away with bad behavior and doing the wrong thing...well, here we are as a society. Look around at all the entitled spoiled chaotic people! Madness! We became what we allowed. Our baby boomer parents really let loose and screwed up many generations to come...I hope they had fun! lol! Seriously....the families need to stop people pleasing each other and start teaching right from wrong firmly. There is nothing more loving that a firm parent. A strong parent who could give a shit if their children a "mad" because the parent knows that they are teaching them.
I was mad at God. My true parent, our true parent. When he pulls us out the darkness of our alcoholism and brings us into the light of sobriety...it's hard! It feels like punishment. Doing the right thing isn't easy, but it's a hell of a lot easier then dying a spoiled self entitled drunk-which is where I was headed. I took my "punishment" from the actions and behaviors that I did as a drunk, did the work, made amends and try to behave the right way. If people don't like it.....If I piss off my son or my sponsee or spouse because I am doing the right thing or teaching them the right thing...so what? They are not my higher power. If I do wrong, I apoligize and make amends if I can. If I am frustrated, annoyed or disappointed...I do my inventory, pray and find someone to help.
I can't transmit somthing I don't have...so if I don't have structure or displine myself, then I can't convey/teach that. If I don't have complete trust in God and am not releint on God, then I am either in self will or making someone else my higher power or somthing else my higher power. Alcohol is not my higher power anymore. Peoples opinon of me arn't either. Freedom.
Here are some tools that my help :
The Daily Gratiute list will look like:
Gratitude
- I am grateful that God got me sober
- I am grateful for my home that God blessed me with
- I am grateful for my family
- I am grateful that I am not in jail or hospital
- I am grateful for the use of my limbs
- I am grateful I can go on vacation
- I am grateful that I have food water and clothes
Defects
- Dishonesty: Today I was dishonest to my roommate about how much food I ate of hers. The principle of dishonesty is Honesty. Father, I surrender this defect to you. Help me to be honest tomorrow in all my affairs with all my fellows. you Father, and myself. Please forgive me.
- Selfish. Today I was selfish with my time when my sister asked me to help her. The principle is Selflessness. Father, help me to be less selfish, to always suit up and show up for others when they ask unless I have a real good reason not to be of service.
- People Pleasing. Today I over committed myself to so that others would see how great I am....The principle of people pleasing is God Pleasings....asking myself:
"how is what I am saying serving God? AM I trying to please people to look awesome, or am I saying this to serve Gods will?
Resentments
- Who/Person:
Kids
- Why/Cause:
Because they are being brats
- Effects my: (Self Esteem, Pride, Pocketbook, Personal Relations, Ambition, Emotional Security, Sex Relations)
Effects my pride because they reflect me and how I raised them
Effects my ambitions because I wanted this to be a good trip
Effects my Emotional security because I feel unstable in my sobreity
- Where was I to blame?: (Dishonest, Selfish, Self Seeking, Afraid, Inconsiderate)
I was selfish and self seeking of me to think life was just going to be perfect once I stopped drinking. I have been inconsiderate of my children by don't disciplining them and by drinking their entire life. I am afraid to discipline them now because I don't want them to be mad at me or point out my own failures. I have been dishonest with myself thinking that I didn't have to dig deeper.
- Nature of the Wrong
Jesus said to his disciples:"In praying, do not babble like the pagans,who think that they will be heard because of their many words.Do not be like them.Your Father knows what you need before you ask him."This is how you are to pray:'Our Father who art in heaven,hallowed be thy name,thy Kingdom come,thy will be done,on earth as it is in heaven.Give us this day our daily bread;and forgive us our trespasses,as we forgive those who trespass against us;and lead us not into temptation,but deliver us from evil.'"If you forgive others their transgressions,your heavenly Father will forgive you.But if you do not forgive others,neither will your Father forgive your transgressions."Matthew 6:7-15