First Things First
-Upon awakening, who do I contact to ground me back in and guide me? God. Not even my bodily functions come first. I seek God first because if I put my body or my racing mind over God, that sets the tone for who I will serve and make my higher HP that day. It's real, I don't just speak this for effect.
I have cats now, I never had cats before, and they can be very demanding and even take over if I let them. So when I heard them screaming in the next room for me to get up, as a woman, I have a natural tendency to soothe and tend to the crying baby first. If the baby is taking the form of a cat, my husband, step son, my dog, chickens, a sponsee, or my "inner child"...whoever is screaming the loudest, I will want to take over, control or fix the problem as a reaction without God guidance.
But because of my miswiring, Mothering my way has the spirit behind it which is rooted in worry and fear, and if untreated, looks like Managing and Manipulating. Then I have an excuse to Martyr myself because I subconsciously knew I was out of bounds. I then want to run away or break down when I have overwhelmed myself by manifesting a bunch of unnatural dependencies aka, codependences upon the outcome of the situation, person, place or thing.
I "Mother" this way so I could have a temporary feeling of relief that "they are ok, so I'm ok"-(which is selfish and self seeking)....again, all I did was create a bunch of dependent monsters. If I mother myself this way, I create a dependency that unless everything is a certain way, I am not ok. Even my animals. I swear, I can turn a kitten into a bobcat if I don't align my will to God first thing and learn from past missteps. A Mother is supposed to be the representation of the Holy Mother who is patient, loving, kind, strong, dependable, consistent and nurturing-she is not controlling, manipulative, reactive, or rushing around to fix me or stick something in my mouth to pacify me so that she feels better!!
The Wholly Father Principle in me, is the stabilizing and protective force that allows the Mother Principle to nurture her child properly in an environment that is supportive and structurally sound so that she can properly explain and teach without pressure to move on to the next thing that excites me to make me happy. When these two polarities are off, inverted, or out of balance, you have a state of unmanageability and confusion-internal and external.
When using the Mother instinct as an actual mother caring for an infant, this is the proper use of this natural God given instinct. When I, or anyone in a perceived position of power or authority in home, workplace, governing or municipalities, or now just any ol person on the street or online-starts misusing the natural God given Mothering instinct to broadcast their will and agenda, is when everything gets out of whack. Other than mothering an infant, it is me, or them, insisting upon itself as your Mother to be dependent upon.
When a baby is crying and screaming it is supposed to agitate the mother into action-as she is naturally designed that way. The baby is in distress and it needs something from its mother to survive and to be made comfortable so it can grow properly-and that makes her acting within God's will to act. So when this sacred instinct to soothe or pacify a grown man or woman, they are all acting in the inversion of God's will because they can't then provide the action that follows the temporary relief which is followed through by teaching and cultivating that being with love and consistency.
Anything misused for something other than it was intended or created for creates an imbalance, or unmanageability; internally, locally-collectively and universally. It's just earth sciences-if your current wheelhouse can't currently accept God as the creator of earth and science, or the importance of balancing the polarities (divine masculine and divine feminine) into their proper state.
We have the tools in our 4th Step to identify which basic instinct (s) I have interwoven with that are causing my current state of unmanageability/imbalance.
This is the Part of Self and the Who what and why position of the inventory
I need to always, always, always, identify the underlying fear of what's involved. I don't think we need a separate inventory for that and it goes hand in hand with the resentment part, even if that resentment is us. What was the fear behind that decision that causes me unrest and feeling guilt now??
Fear of not getting.....
Fear of not having enough...
Fear of not being seen as.....
Fear of not being seen...
Fear of losing....
Fear of them not needing me
Fear of who I would be if I didn't have....
Once I identify that, than I have something to work with-but sometime, I'm not ready to identify the fear because perhaps this fear is what drives my perceived success and gives me the motivation to get up in the morning while I simultaneously complain that they or it is the reason I can't do XYZ....or maybe I am playing the "if only game"
If only they...
If only I was...
If only we could....
If only he was...
If only I had done....
So until I am truly ready and have and am ready to do a HONEST, searching, fearless and moral inventory...it's just complaining. And that's fine, but we have a solution here in AA that every recovered or sober alcoholic needs to actively be applying to their lives daily otherwise they are just dry. And a dry alcoholic running around controlling, fixing and managing people is WORSE than an active drinker in my opinion. Also. in my opinion, and that of every sponsor I ever had, we MUST do both Al Anon and AA, and in my case Nar Anon, helped me with my addict husband and even though I didn't go to meetings because they had none, the literature helped tremendously.
What is my current powerlessness?
Step 1
I am powerless over____my life is unmanageable And list all the things I am currently powerless over.
And I need to be honest with myself otherwise, again, it's just complaining instead of using the tools laid at our feet because complaining and venting gives me a temporary and easy fix. Which I can easily do.
Step 2
Come to believe that God can do for me with this situation that God did for alcohol....yes or no??
Step 3
Made a DECISION to turn my will and life over to God's care while I do Step 4 and get down to causes and conditions as to what is driving all this. Unless I make a decision and follow it up with action, I am just talking.
Step is admitting I am currently off the rails.
Step 2 is remembering..." Oh yeah, I forgot that God does work, that is not just words in a meeting to sound spiritual
Step 3 is saying I am just going turn this, them and me over to God while I proceed with the rest of the Steps that will re correct my course with a WHOLE new perception that will expand me to accommodate new information that will help other for real-not help other the way I currently do it that creates more harm than good.
I am not designed to do life separate from God-and the 12 Steps, when used daily, connects me back to Source. God doesn't need me, I need God. They need God, not me-and again, unless they are infants, it's a misuse of the natural mothering instinct unless truly aligned to God in the case of real dependents. Children are supposed to be weaned and taught to seek and use God not us as their HP. I seek God to teach me the proper way to steward and care for my home, my body, my animals, my money, my marriage, how I sponsor, how I conduct myself in public-everything. I am done pretending I should "just know how" to do anything and I am done mimicking the inauthentic to fit.
Unmanageability is a symptom, not a normal state that should be adapted to.