In many instances we shall find that though the harm done to others has not been great, the emotional harm we have done ourselves has. Very deep, sometimes quite forgotten, damaging emotional conflicts persist below the level of consciousness. At the time of these occurrences, they may actually have given our emotions violent twists which have since discolored our personalities and altered our lives for the worse.
Essentially the forgotten conflicts, the ones I say "oh, no big deal" and brush aside-even those have affected me and my perceptions and are embedded within my subconscious. I am carrying those harms, wounds and perceptions into my new relationships and experiences. I then broadcast it out, like a signal, those "no big deals" or even worse those BIG DEALS that are unhealed or unexamined. Even if it has nothing to do with you, I am still forcing my will onto you by making you have to pay, suffer or respond to things you have nothing to do with.
A pattern is developed that will keep repeating until I actually look at it. So the pattern, as annoying and heart breaking as it can be, can also be an opportunity to look at it-to acknowledge it like a screaming child who needs me to look at the pain and stop ignoring her. I can then apply the Steps to the said pattern. I can fix what I can't or won't allow myself to see. Or I can continue to neglect it, bury my head in the sand and keep repeating the injury/pattern by bringing it with me into my next relationship.
A relationship can be a new job, friendship, sponsorship, neighbor, pet, plant, etc. Blame and deflection can only go so far. If it "keeps happening to me" and if I am still constitutionally capable of being honest, then I need to maturely and responsibly address it and admit that I am the common denominator-and that it's not the players I have involved responsibility to change themselves to make me ok and to make things different. That is my job.
No matter what has happened to me, I do not have the right to keep infecting others with it because even if my offence is not as seemingly bad, or to the degree of the initial assault I received as a child. I am still interwoven with it as my identity, then I am actively projecting it and spreading it because I have now assigned you the role as predator so I can play the victim and can carry on with the role I have become accustomed to.
When you don't go along with my plans and designs I will lash out. I might character assassinate (gossip) about you, psychically/energetically attack you, cheat on you, lie about you, obsess on you, and try to find ways to get back at you-or even break up my family which fragments the children all because I refuse to look at and fix it within me.
On the surface it's much easier for me to just go around defecting, taking your inventory, blaming and infecting others, than to take ownership of the fear and trauma and then go to any lengths to heal it so it doesn't spread. It will and does spread to the next generation. Even if I do not have children, I still do not have the right to infect my animals, home, neighbors, community, fellowship and remaining family with my fear.
While the purpose of making restitution to others is paramount, it is equally necessary that we extricate from an examination of our personal relations every bit of information about ourselves and our fundamental difficulties that we can. Since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes, including our alcoholism, no field of investigation could yield more satisfying and valuable rewards than this one. Calm, thoughtful reflection upon personal relations can deepen our insight. We can go far beyond those things which were superficially wrong with us, to see those flaws which were basic, flaws which sometimes were responsible for the whole pattern of our lives. Thoroughness, we have found, will pay—and pay handsomely.
When I was asked to be thorough, fearless, searching and moral by the program, my sponsor, and my God; it's not because they, or it, was out to get me or hurt me. It's because they want to free me from the delusions I created in order to keep on carrying out my will and doing harm with it. OF course I didn't consciously know this at the time-but, just because I am ignorant of these concepts, doesn't mean I get a pass. Messes need to be cleaned up energetically, as well as physically.
My sponsor had me righting wrongs and clearing energetic debris that on the surface you wouldn't think belonged to me-but, even if she didn't fully understand the gravity of her suggestions, the Wisdom within her knew; and Wisdom told her what to have me do in order to clean up some generational stuff that I inherited so that I could finally be free from that specific pattern. One of the hardest things I had ever had to do sober was to do battle with pride, but I came out victorious.
My neighbor, a man, was yelling at me from across our yards, that my dog was in his garbage every day. I mean this guy was ANGRY-crazy angry. It made no sense, (like most of my interactions with the general population) the reaction was over the top as usual, and completely unwarranted because it wasn't even my dog. The dog he was referring to was a stay farm dog from a nearby ranch.
As soon as I heard his voice it triggered in me a deep wound that my body recorded and remembered that I inherited from my mom fighting with male neighbors and males in general. So even though I seemingly had nothing to do with the event I was being brought into, I was in fact broadcasting this signal to him and his own personal defects/demons from his unhealed wounds were like: "Ok, b***h-lets play...I need some juice!!"
I didn't freak out at all and only said back that I thought it was disappointing that a man would speak to a woman like this and that it would have been better had he had come to my house and spoke with my husband instead of this crazy display.
Now, I thought that that was GOOD! LOL! I mean, I didn't scream or yell back and felt I kept my composure. I actually only called my sponsor about it because I wanted to share how I conducted myself in a highly intense situation!!
She, who was working for Wisdom, wanted to elevate me a bit higher from the face value of my perceived victory. She wanted me to go ahead and bake up some of my famous cookies I brought to our meetings (I added that, they weren't famous) and go over to this man's house and present him with the cookies as a peace offering.
OMG....WHY??? I wanted to throw a fit!! I didn't break the guy's face-and it wasn't even my dog!?! That should be enough!! Why is she making me do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????
I just said ok.
When I hung up the phone, I baked the cookies, but still knew I didn't have to do anything she suggested, and that I still had a choice. Then I remembered, because I am a sponsor too, that we sometimes are told stuff that doesn't make sense to us or our ego, but it makes complete sense to the soul who sees the bigger picture.
I knew she didn't wasn't out to get me, I knew she worked for God, I knew I am the one who asked her to sponsor her-not the other way around, and I knew I was still willing to go to any lengths even if it meant doing this act that didn't logically make sense.
So I platted up the God d**m cookies and went in the spare room a wept...on my knees, crying and begging for the courage to carry this out...you would think I was going the cross the way I was carrying on-but for me, at that time, I was.
God-he was the one who did the assault, why do I have to pay for everything all the time!?!?!? (this was my running script) But, I got up onto my feet, got my cookies and walked over to his house as he sat there glaring at me like I was an ex wife who cheated on him...I mean, seriously, I could feel it. Mind, you, I didn't even know this man-and I know that the dog thing was but a trigger for him and his deeper issues.
The closer I got, he could see what I was bringing and I could feel his energy change and his defense vanished along with the anger. He expressed remorse for his conduct to the degree he was capable of, and confided in me all of the perceived injustices that went on with him in the neighborhood.
I didn't even explain anything about the dog not being mine, because really, at that point I understood that it wasn't about me at all and the object lesson was way bigger than who was right or wrong. I didn't need to "win" or make him see. I need to neutralize the trigger I brought to the table with my moms stuff, and see that I didn't have to personalize every attack-but, still look at what I'm broadcasting and take ownership of it. Also, when it all comes down to it, we are all just reacting to old wounds and at some point someone has to say enough-I am going to be the bigger person here, not for ego, but for God.
Am I best friends with this guy-no. In fact, he moved away shortly after that which changed the energy of the entire neighborhood. The guy who moved in grew a huge beautiful garden and he would bring me squash and zucchini-and I haven't had neighbor issues like that ever since. That pattern and trauma has been healed and no longer exists. The lessons from that are even much deeper than I have time to go into but, I do believe it affects my mom and her interactions while she was alive in ways I can't comprehend in my finite understanding.
My very long point is that it all matters. So when I become aware of it and am blessed with the tools to bring it into completion-it is my responsibility to do so.