I didn't know how to apologize, let alone amend, through the lens of guilt, shame, resentment, fear or survival. I would either beg, debate or blame or justify all of my antics with the logic of: "if they didn't do ___, then I wouldn't have had to do___" or the dreaded "if onlys" and that would only come after the soul crushing hangover where I did feel genuinely horrible about whatever I did-only to have ego reconstruct the day after the hangover (or in sobriety it can be an emotional hangover) and after I got the temporary relief of them deciding to not leave me or fire me; and it would start justifying and rationalizing my behavior again and then repeat the same process. The internal battle and outsourcing personal accountability takes its toll on the body and the mind all as well as the spirit.
Onee I learned to process life events in my initial workings of the Steps, I could then start to grasp the full picture clearly-not just my pain, but that other people too experienced pain and repercussions by my choices. I know that sounds horrible-but I didn't consider them. I just didn't-and I won't lie about it. Frightened people can be very destructive and dangerous people. And I was that both-and the worst part about that is not knowing you are. I truly thought I was the victim and everything and everyone. Not once did I even consider that any of it was a product of my choices and dependencies. It seems easier to blame than to own-but that is short term. Long term it turns my brains and guts into mush. I see the effects of the lies people tell themselves so I would rather have to admit and amend, then deteriorate my brain and health to accommodate more lies.
Like was said, it is an extremely humbling process, especially initially when you would have rather died than admit any wrongdoing ever...LOL! But the more I genuinely take accountability the easier it gets because everybody makes mistakes. I no longer see myself as a creature that has to be perceived by others as perfect or I will die. If you think badly of me, that's on you, I'm free as long as I keep clean with God, that is ALL I care about. Everyone else is perceiving the situation through the lens of thier own distortions so I can't possibly please everyone or make everyone happy, so I don't try. I do the best I can and give the outcome over to God.
The difference between a heartfelt apology, and wanting to right the wrong if we can, vs. groveling or over the top pleas for forgiveness is intent. What am I wanting them to think about my approach? should be instead; What does God want me to say here to make this right if possible?-not for me, but for the greater good. Anything I do as an action so "you think something" is a manipulation, aka, a lie.
Apparently in sobriety, and before my drinking career took off, I have a tendency to create dependents-so, I need to always be clear about my motives and intent for everything. I can easily start to manage, mother, manipulate and martyr myself to justify enabling someone into dependency. I have done this in the past because I am too frightened to set limits or boundaries because I didn't want them to bring up my past behavior or use it as ammunition to embarrass or hurt me.
This is an ongoing amendment to my loved ones that I employ God's armor and ask for an abundance of courage to set limits and boundaries on myself, so that I can set healthy boundaries in general. I can't set boundaries in my home or in my life if I don't have a clear picture of who I am, what I value, and what I won't allow. If everything is just a free for all, then that's what I get back. "Anything goes here, just as long as you don't hurt or embarrass me" sets the stage for chaos.
Having people depend upon me when they are not little children is a manipulation and doing them a great disservice. But, that too is a process in itself that I am not shaming myself for. I honestly thought I was "helping", but instead I created a monster!! I have finally cut the cord to my husband and our last twisted entanglement that I created to secure my standing in our home (old idea from years of living as a vagabond) and although it was hard, and he didn't like it one bit because he LOVES having everything the same everyday, I was finally able to see the damage this was doing to him and the toll it was taking on me. I turned him into a baby and me into a servant. And not a servant in the way I serve God, this was a motive to ensnare someone to be dependent on me. Not good-but, again, I can't change what I can't see. Now I see it and God gives me the courage to change it.
The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. Unless one's family expresses a desire to live upon spiritual principles we think we ought not to urge them. We should not talk incessantly to them about spiritual matters. They will change in time. Our behavior will convince them more than our words. We must remember that ten or twenty years of drunkenness would make a skeptic out of anyone.
There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don't worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could. Some people cannot be seen - we send them an honest letter. And there may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases. But we don't delay if it can be avoided. We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God's people we stand on our feet; we don't crawl before anyone.