“We had to see that every time we played the big shot we turned people against us. We had to see that when we harbored grudges and planned revenge for such defeats, we were really beating ourselves with the club of anger we had intended to use on others. We learned that if we were seriously disturbed, our first need was to quiet that disturbance, regardless of who or what we thought caused it.” AA 12 x 12, Step 4, p. 47
The BB expands on this concept with some marching orders:
"We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol. This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.
Prior to this passage, it says that resentments have the power to kill me-not just with alcohol, but with gut wrenching torment-and that death is long and painful. The unprocessed energy will get lodged in the body and start to metastasize blocking adequate flow and circulation and make me physically ill. I get that death happens, but I certainly don't want to speed up the process if I can avoid it.
So to master something literally means:
- acquire complete knowledge or skill in (an accomplishment, technique, or art)
- gain control of; overcome.
Those that do not want to acquire the knowledge or skill to gain control to overcome the torment-won't. God won't do for us what we aren't willing or want to do for ourselves. I can want something all day long, but unless I am putting real time and energy into accomplishing that skill, technique or art-it's not happening. Action is required. I couldn't get drunk unless I took the proper action steps necessary to get drunk. That skill took years to develop. Same goes for our emotional sobriety, spiritual, physical and mental health.
For us that seek to change and to master our emotional nature, we fundamentally get that that change is done with God leading the way. When I embark on something, or want to learn a new skill, I always seek and ask God for guidance. This immediately takes me from anger and frustration because "I automatically should just know how to do something I've never done before" crazy thinking, into, "I am new at this so this is gonna take a while" sanity. The sane way with God keeps me from apathy and complacency-or even worse, justifying the apathy and complacency as God's will or sponsors and AA's fault for not keeping me motivated. This is just me off loading the responsibility onto others or something to keep me motivated.
"Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
The concept that others were perhaps spiritually sick was a game changer because I just assumed everyone knew something I didn't, which is why they seemed to know what the heck was going on. I made anyone and everyone my HP because again, I didn't want the responsibility or accountability of having to master myself or my emotional nature-plus, I didn't have anywhere to start. Fortunately I ended up in here and was given a design for living so that I didn't have to make spiritual sick people my HP anymore-and, I maybe even could even be of service to them as an example. God is God, they are them and I Am...all in divine right order.
Anyone I put before God I will end up resenting. When I resent you, I will then have to dethrone you and sabotage the entire thing. If I have made me, in my 3-D physical form my HP, I will have to destroy that too. So its best to just keep God up there and build upon that as my foundation.
No idols in AA. I can want what you have and work on myself with God to get it. I have many people I admire and love in AA; but I don't and can't idolize them-for everyone's sake. Ego is not built here. Confidence that comes from ego is not our principle. Our spiritual house gets up built up, not ego.
"We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one."
I thought it said "I can help everyone because I am so freaking awesome and spiritual!!" LOL!! Thankfully for everyone, including me, that is erroneous- but, I did have to learn the hard way-which is fine. I now give a very detailed description as to how I sponsor, what my expectations, motives and intentions are as a sponsor, what I will and will not accept or tolerate as a sponsor (I have a tolerant view, but I have a choice as to what I will and will not tolerate privately), so that there is no confusion. In other words, I have set boundaries and give detailed informed consent. I know and value myself now and I am not for everyone-and that is absolutely ok. I'm not here to be loved, I'm here to master myself and if that's in alignment to want that other person wants, great-if not great.