Meeting Topic: In God's Economy: "In God's economy, nothing is wasted. Through failure, we learn a lesson in humility which is probably needed, painful though it is."

This quote reminds me of the 9th step promises, notably ""We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it".

EVERYTHING I have learned is by failure. I can't emphasize that enough! I can't learn something unless I try it; and I can't already know how to do something unless I learn how. In sobriety I was given the courage to be wrong and the tools to get back up and try again. This is the exact opposite to the way I learned and processed failure before AA. 

When I was a child, I was given no information or false information as to how to respond to, and then process mis-takes accordingly. My entire being took a beating because my adolescent processor was interpreting information from the feelings that were produced by the failure. My feelings were not facts but I had no way to gauge that. I had to unfortunately experience the learning process through the lens of survival because no one around me taught me otherwise.

So if I was wrong, my little body recorded that as life or death. That will cause a freeze or fight or flight response to something as simple as being embarrassed by mispronouncing a word in front of the entire class and then having the feelings surrounding it disregarded or overblown-which sums up my life before I knew better-Disregarded or Overblown! Extreme polar opposites, which is a breeding ground for the alcoholic lifestyle! And needless to say "higher education" and exploring what I really enjoyed or what I had the potential to be good at was OFF THE TABLE-I wasn't gonna go through that BS again!! LOL

As I learned the new way to process mis-takes, my "down time" started to get less and less. I can now rebound and recalibrate quickly because of my willingness to see where I was wrong and to consciously learn from the failure and not beat myself up forever for having the audacity to be human. Whereas prior I would give myself permission and justification to stay down. I would then have to go through a massive upheaval, in order to get me going again. 

This is why in the BB it says "we must be hard on ourselves" in regards to looking at our initial 4th Step inventory-hard on ourselves is different than beating ourselves up. When I constructively and proactively look hard at where I fall short, I am less likely to continue the cycle of repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. 

But if my interpretation of being hard on myself comes from the childhood experience of beating myself up because I was less than, or in fear of not fitting in, this will alter my perception of the word and I might just baulk at the entire thing. That is why I must come to the table willing to let go of all my judgments and be open to a new experience. 

When the soul awakens because of this shift in consciousness from looping scripts and programs to actively participating in my recovery,  the universe responds supportively to new course and aligns with this intention accordingly. If I can suit up and show up daily and do what my program tells me to do in Steps 10, 11 and 12, then I start to oscillate at a higher rate based upon my capacity to retain new information and let go of old information. This keeps my being expanding/growing.

If I am in regret or regard the experience as wasted time, then it is in fact wasted, because I didn't learn anything if I am wallowing in it and/or choosing to ignore the repeated feedback loop that ingrains the pattern further into my cellular structure making it a part of me until it overtakes me. Like a big invasive weed in my garden...if I don't pull the weeds daily, they take over. And then when I finally had enough, it's just that much more work to have to do to make the ground fertile again. 

Now that I know I have a choice and tools, I don't have to wait for the universal 2x4 to kick me out of the whirlpool if I am willing to be wrong and willing to fail everyday....

Just for today I am willing to be wrong

Just for today I am willing to be embarrassed

Just for today I am willing to try and fail

Just for today I am willing not to be loved by all

Just for today I am willing to not be hated by all

Just for today I am willing to be right 

Just for today I am willing to explore other concepts

Just for today I am willing to choose a different response...

Just for today I am willing to trust that God will carry me through and give me the strength to get back up and bring that experience, good and bad, into neutrality by sharing the outcome with my fellows. That action of sharing, learning and consciously practicing not repeating harmful patterns is when Wisdom, in all her Glory, can enter into my heart and elevate me into higher places. 

Learning from mistakes is what separates the living women from the automaton background player. Truly awakened and ready to rise each day! Learning is an enjoyable process for me now because I get to experience it with God and in the hands of me compassionately teaching myself new things and new skills.