From Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 132 …. We aren’t a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn’t want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, not do we carry the world’s trouble on our shoulders.
If the fellowship were cynical and critical like I was when first walked in, my spirit would have recoiled while my physical ego self would have felt right at home. Instead I felt hope for the first time-and through that, I was able to witness joy-which, now that I think about it, I don't think I had ever seen before! If I had, my heavy judgments and burdens blinded me to seeing it let alone experiencing it.
I heard that the biggest "sin" is despair and hopelessness and that the only thing that can bridge that lowered state to the higher state into trusting in God territory, is hope and trusting that person's experience until I can have my own experience. Once hope is set in motion, the Courage to Change will blow the door off the 3-D blockage to which we then have a choice to be raised higher; or as Bill puts it, catapulted into the 4th dimension of existence. How far the individual wants to take that depends upon their willingness to be made new.
I was in absolute awe that I was not only walking through garbage sober, but feeling joyful in spite of it. I could never have imagined that. Then I found that as a result of not hanging out with, or participating in garbage by asking God for the courage to do the next right thing, that there was less garbage to have to navigate through.
All that keeps me in bondage, is me without God. If everyday I am honest with myself and God, I am not on page 62 of the BB. I can continue to rise and stay far and away from despair or hopelessness when God is running the show. I can emphatically and gratefully say that I have not once felt hopelessness since God entered into my heart-not once.
And even though I have been through some tragic events and scary revelations while sober; I always had a knowingness that this too shall pass and I will be ok. The leveling up comes when I can logically ascertain the events that happen and learn from them and the reason for it- that breaks the seal of insanity when one stops repeating something expecting it to be different and seeing their part and the bigger picture as to why these events go down.
I had to start somewhere, and that started with hope I didn't have. How do you thank strangers for breathing life into a drowning despair merchant?? Our program says: By giving back what was so freely given to me.
Life just keeps getting more awesome and more interesting. Not because of the sober time, but because of willingness to wake up everyday and say "what would you have me do God??" and even if it's uncomfortable, I do it because without God, sobriety and the program-I wouldn't have anything worth being uncomfortable about!