AA laid the foundation for me to begin the complex process of removal of the energy blocks that kept me from properly exchanging information and conveyance of my soul's highest expression. We often hear people use the "onion" analogy when referring to the years and years of distortions and debris we've accumulated from our efforts to communicate. This is our 4th Step and 5th Step. The defects (6 & 7) that were bred in those distortions and the harm caused we get to clean up in 8 & 9. Then to keep those miscommunications in check, we have Steps 10, 11 and 12 that we do DAILY.
I have found that because I was brought up in a home and society where honesty isn't necessarily encouraged or rewarded, but instead self promotion and embellishment is; that I had to basically shrink to fit and become a full time liar in order to exist-or so I thought at the time. Charlie from Joe and Charlie says it best "If God removes all my defects then how in the hell am I supposed to make a living??"
In interviews, I was over the top, building myself up saying everything I knew they wanted to hear and acting like I was excited to be there. I did that in new relationships too. The truth was, I had no idea who I was, what I wanted-nor did I even have any real interest in anything really except to please to ensure my place. This makes them my higher power even though they didn't ask to be.
I lived by this: "who do you want me to be in order for me to procure my place in your life" You/they or it will need to validate me and give me a reason for living. At the core of that is a survival mechanism I learned and became intricately woven with. When it became too much, and I could meet the expectations I perceived you put on me, I would run because I couldn't have anyone think I was less than perfect. Again, this distortion of the ego is the basis I lived by so my wreckage was pretty extensive, and so has been the removal and rewiring.
When my spirit could no longer stomach the fraud I was, and my body couldn't take one more sip of vodka, and my mind couldn't accommodate one more false narrative I had to tell myself-when self will ran dry, I was brought to my knees and said my very first real and honest words "I am _____, and I am an alcoholic"
There was no motive to get anyone to like me, save me, have sex with me, hire me, forgive me or keep me-I just didn't want to die, and in that very raw place, you don't care about selling yourself or keeping up appearances.
God heard my authentic plea and set me up right to begin the forward journey backwards home. There is a lot of clearing out old patterns, perceptions and belief systems about who I thought I was, that was layered over the organic light that I was born with. So the light I was broadcasting wasn't my true authentic God light source-I was instead broadcasting the false light that I acquired by living a life propelled by self will.
Motives steaming from places that are not rooted in trust automatically foster in incoherent communication/miscommunications-so, anything done or said from a state of fear of not getting something I want, or losing something I have, is a misalignment that needs an alignment. As I begin to know who I am, and if I am not looking to "get" anything from people, my words naturally become clearer. My tone will resonate with the person I am speaking to if we are both on the same page/path.
I have found that pure intent or pure communication is not as well received as one would think-I guess because there isn't much to talk about when there isn't BS involved! So I just don't talk much. Which is wonderful. The concept of constantly talking or needing to be heard is in my opinion insane. Constantly having to make noise or "be heard" is what babies do when they need attention because they need something.
If we are doing this as adults-needing to stand out to get attention, we need to go within and properly ascertain what the real problem is and not outsource it for others to have to figure out to pacify me. Whether it be social media, in an AA meeting and you can't be still-or just in the living room with husband and you have to blurt out something silly to get attention (all these I have done, so I'm not coming from judgment, I am coming from experience from both angles)-all in effort to draw energy from others.
When I need to put something in my mouth, or have something come out of my mouth to make me feel better, that is an act of pacification-like a pacifier. I can't authentically communicate what is wrong or what I need, when I really don't know myself what I want or need. When I outsource to you to give me relief from something I don't have clarity about, I just know I "feel" icky; when I form words from that place, they automatically become distorted because it's a manipulation-and I made you my HP responsible for my well being instead of God.
Most people walk into a room quickly turn on the tv or reach for the phone to avoid silence because they can't just be. Working the Steps, seeking God's will, seeking to be made right by continued self examination allows a person to become a being, being is just that-being, Ok to be. Not distracting, avoiding or deflecting. Silence is wonderful and I am learning that if I am making a lot of noise I need to go within and find out why.
Motives, Motives, Motives.....what are my motives for speaking? Until my heart is right, all my motives (motivations), even the "good" ones will most likely start a chain reaction of BS that will snowball into a nightmare. I found that having no motive is the best motive. Asking myself questions before I speak or write has become a great practice in self mastery to avoid misalignments that take me off the beam/off course....
- Why do I need or want to say that?
- What will saying that accomplish?
- Do I just want attention?
- Do I want to start some s**t and get things going because I am bored or need validation?
- Why do I need to steal his peace from him?
- What do I want to make them see that I need to see first?
- Why do I need to text that? Am I afraid they will forget about me if I don't make noise?
- If what I think I need from them by saying that, is that something I can get from God instead?"
Disclaimer: Of course I am not suggesting to become a pacifist and not speak up if changes need to be made. I am speaking about the "talking just to talk" perspective.
Some examples from our lit of the motives of an active alcoholic or untreated/dry alcoholic that makes us a liability in this world...
12&12 Step Six, p.67
And how often we work hard with no better motive than to be secure and slothful later on -- only we call that "retiring."
12&12 Step Ten, p.94
This odd trait of mind and emotion, this perverse wish to hide a bad motive underneath a good one, permeates human affairs from top to bottom.
12&12 Step Ten, p.94
Or, the person concerned not being present, we thought we were helping others to understand him, when in actuality our true motive was to feel superior by pulling him down.
And how often we work hard with no better motive than to be secure and slothful later on -- only we call that "retiring."
12&12 Step Ten, p.94
This odd trait of mind and emotion, this perverse wish to hide a bad motive underneath a good one, permeates human affairs from top to bottom.
12&12 Step Ten, p.94
Or, the person concerned not being present, we thought we were helping others to understand him, when in actuality our true motive was to feel superior by pulling him down.
BB How It Works, p.60
On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good.
12&12 Step Ten, p.94
We "constructively criticized" someone who needed it, when our real motive was to win a useless argument.
On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good.
12&12 Step Ten, p.94
We "constructively criticized" someone who needed it, when our real motive was to win a useless argument.
12&12 Step Ten, p.94
The temptation here is to imagine that we had good motives and reasons when we really didn't.
The temptation here is to imagine that we had good motives and reasons when we really didn't.
12&12 Tradition Eight, p.166
The money motive compromises him and everything he says and does for his prospect.
****************************************
Examples of a proactive and spiritually fit recovered alcoholic that makes us an asset in the world:
BB Into Action, p.86
Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.
BB Into Action, p.86
Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.
Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.
BB Into Action, p.86
Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.
12&12 Contents (Step Ten), p.8
Examination of motives.
Examination of motives.
12&12 Step Eight, p.79
It is an attitude which can only be changed by a deep and honest search of our motives and actions.
BB Working With Others, p.102
Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed.
It is an attitude which can only be changed by a deep and honest search of our motives and actions.
BB Working With Others, p.102
Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed.
BB There Is A Solution, p.27
Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them.
12&12 Step Ten, p.94
As we glance down the debit side of the day's ledger, we should carefully examine our motives in each thought or act that appears to be wrong.
12&12 Step Ten, p.94
But in other instances only the closest scrutiny will reveal what our true motives were.
Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them.
12&12 Step Ten, p.94
As we glance down the debit side of the day's ledger, we should carefully examine our motives in each thought or act that appears to be wrong.
12&12 Step Ten, p.94
But in other instances only the closest scrutiny will reveal what our true motives were.
12&12 Step Ten, p.94
In most cases our motives won't be hard to see and understand.
In most cases our motives won't be hard to see and understand.
BB The Doctor's Opinion, p.xxvii
The unselfishness of these men as we have come to know them, the entire absence of profit motive, and their community spirit, is indeed inspiring to one who has labored long and wearily in this alcoholic field.
BB A Vision For You, p.159
Though they knew they must help other alcoholics if they would remain sober, that motive became secondary.
The unselfishness of these men as we have come to know them, the entire absence of profit motive, and their community spirit, is indeed inspiring to one who has labored long and wearily in this alcoholic field.
BB A Vision For You, p.159
Though they knew they must help other alcoholics if they would remain sober, that motive became secondary.
BB We Agnostics, p.54
And then, with a better motive, had we not worshipfully beheld the sunset, the sea, or a flower?
BB Working With Others, p.102
But be sure you are on solid spiritual ground before you start and that your motive in going is thoroughly good.