I related SOOO much to the self pity part in recollection of the story I shared the other day about my c word/biopsy scare. Yeah, I had no idea how invasive it was-at least for me it was because I have never had surgery or been in a hospital, so when you come at me with the longest needle I had ever seen with the intention of sticking it into my neck to retrieve my tissue...a normal healthy response in my body and mind is to run. I literally felt like a rat being experimented on. I am not saying I was, I am just talking about the feeling of being that vulnerable.
I was around a year and 1/2 sober and was onto my second sponsor. We did a more in depth Step process so I was in a place where I was being "weaned off" of Social Media, TV shows and music (not by my sponsor, it was just an organic thing that I was being moved to do) so I had only shared what was going on with my health with my then boyfriend-now husband, sister, cousin and sponsor. Maybe even AAS, now that I think about it!
Those handful of people responded pretty normally to the news that I was having it done. Somewhat concerned, but no real emotional responses. I guess I would say they had a sane and rational response. Maybe I wanted a little more concern or emotion, but I remember thinking and asking myself why did I need that?? The truth is that I didn't need that. I wanted it because that was how my family/mom and grandma showed love and concern with over the top emotional responses-so when I didn't get that because they have passed away, I guess I felt a little abandoned maybe?
Not receiving the same sort of accolades, recognition or emotional responses in my sobriety that I received when I was drinking had been a reoccurring theme in early recovery. I have zero doubt it was my HP saying...."those days are over....time to trust and depend upon me and get no glory for just doing the right thing" and my ego didn't like that one bit so it hurt.
I normally would have posted on social media about the neck procedure and then would proceed to feed off that form of instant support and comfort whether it was authentic or not....at least it would have been a high number of comments and likes. Again, I was being redirected because I was having a new experience with God to let go of those ideas that I needed to be supported or held up in that way.
So laying on the table with this ridiculous big needle being put into my throat, it was just me and God. The doctor, nurse and my husband, who is also a nurse, were lovely, but it was an inside job to be able to go through that and also to not seek attention or comfort for whatever the outcome would be. It was a practice in humility- unknowingly, not virtuously-I wasn't even conscious of the concept yet.
DO I think it's bad to get support from friends, loved ones, fellowship-NO, absolutely not! I love that I have the fellowship for authentic and loving support-I just posted about my cat and my fellows were beyond loving in a way that I know is authentic. What I needed to learn back then was about my own personal misuse of people, social media and look at where I had been disingenuous with my responses.
I needed to unlearn putting people in the role of my HP and also basing my decisions and moods upon whether or not I was receiving the "right" responses from people or things were going good. That is an expectation of others to get me through things based upon their human condition. If they were having a bad day or whatever and I didn't get the right response, they were jerks and I was lost. So yes, that is making them my higher power. I also need to learn to be ok when things and people aren't ok..and that of course is an ongoing and daily lesson.
I now have a healthy view of external support because MY heart, My mind and My motives have changed. No one needed to change to accommodate my misuse of people and misinterpretation of love and concern. I don't "need" people in the way I did when I was codependent with them. I want people in a mutual exchange of love and encouragement and that is way different from what I learned growing up in a family with the dis-ease of alcoholism coursing through it. Not bashing my family, but not supporting bad behavior just because they are family either.
In AA we learn to elevate each based upon a common purpose which is to grow upward in the common solution. Not saying everyone in AA has that motive or intention, but the Spirit that holds and anchors this space does-and when I'm ready to change the Spirit of the fellowship will support the new higher upgrade.
I personally will not support lower ongoing patterns of destruction if the person wants to stay there...and that is my right and responsibility to make those calls for myself. But I will continue to hold space in the fellowship if they become willing and that I can do for the entire collective without getting drained or bogged down by the ankle biters-and I say that as a self proclaimed recovered ankle biter ;)
Chop Wood
Carry Water