If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependence and its consequent demand. Let us, with God´s help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live and love: we may then be able to gain emotional sobriety.
-Bill Wilson
A few years back we got hit with a $14,000.00 tax bill due to an oversight by the tax preparer not properly communicating with the 401K peeps. I was racking my brain and asking God....REALLY?!? Ok, How did we bring this about?? Why do I ask that, because I was taught to always look at where I had made a past decision that put me in a position to be hurt:
Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. -Pg 62
We had just bought a house and I was so happy we had extra money to spend on upgrades so I spent the money that they "overpaid" us-in other words, they didn't take enough out for taxes so we had to pay it back.
I was SOOOO angry. I don't get really mad these days, but I couldn't believe that the tax lady missed this!! Needless to say I had a huge resentment...Big! But since I know that resentment is the number one offender and actually has the power to kill me-it can take from my quality of life by slowly killing me too in sobriety -no thanks.
So HOW...How do I overcome this resentment?!? – Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness H-O-W
“Willingness, honesty, and open-mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable.“
If I am honest with myself, I can always trace these sorts of things back to me-if I am willing to be honest.
Who am I MAD/resent/angry with.....
The tax lady
Why: Because she failed to do her job properly
What basic instinct is affected:
Pocketbook-obviously
Personal Relationships-with her, and husband
Ambitions-to have my upgrades now
Sex relations-Sure...I mean who wants that when they owe this much!
Pride: Yeah, I guess it would suck to lose our house...what would people think
Emotional security: Yes like OMG!! And, now we have to take a loan to pay off IRS and another bank has a lien on the house. The husband is thrashing about in a state of rage and blame and I am forced to have a level head at all times...Why do I have to bear the burden all the time! Why can't he be the strong one! Why do I always have to miss grateful sunshine AA and roses!!!! Why can't things ever just work out for me!!
So obviously we can see the progression from this being about the tax lady to being about my Husband to being about me wanting my way and self pity.
How would God have me see this...In comes the honesty....and what am I afraid of...where did self fail me.
- I know my husband isn't good at this stuff. He in his own sickness doesn't handle things well-I know that about him. To pretend that he is anything other than what and who he is is me setting him up to fail me.
- I put him "in charge" because I didn't want the responsibility of doing any of the footwork-like meeting with the tax lady, or fidelity or the lender.
- I made him and all those people my HP because I had an expectation upon them to provide and do for me what I wouldn't do for myself.
- I was afraid of losing the house, I was afraid of not getting my upgrades, I was afraid that I would have to start doing grown up things regarding money.
- I wanted what I wanted but didn't want to go the extra mile to ensure that it was all in order-that enough money was taken out for taxes. I expected them to know what they were doing so again, I didn't have to have the responsibility to learn for myself.
What would I have done differently that I can do differently from here forward: not perfectly, but progressively...
- I would have not set my husband up to fail me by having an expectation that he would handle it well or expect him to cross reference the numbers and or get a second opinion about the amount we were getting...it did seem big
- I would go the extra mile for us both and educate myself about grown up stuff like this. If I want something I should know how to properly acquire it. Magical thinking can only go so far in the physical.
- I would stop off loading my responsibility onto others
- I would not procrastinate or bury my head about finances. I would employ God everyday to give me the courage to face these things head on and surrender the outcome. I would ask God to teach me the proper use of money and how to budget.
So paradoxical, this event was how I finally took my power back from the big bad scary money monster that hunted me my entire adult life. I was only what, 47 when I finally got right with it...not too bad?!?! Better late than never!!
- I don't fear the IRS anymore.
- I don't fear looking at the bank stuff anymore
- I don't fear the lender anymore
- I don't fear myself when I am in God's will to want or think I deserve more than I do
- I do not have to put people in a position to hurt or harm me if I am on top of my business. Not in a place of fear or people pleasing, but from a place of responsibility and accountability for my stuff.
Life RARELY, if ever, random. If I am honest, I can almost always trace everything back to my demand for something I probably wasn't mature enough to have in the first place but wanted it anyway...aka "self will run riot".
My job is to suit up and show up each day willing to be wrong. I will not degrade myself anymore by conforming to a lie -even if I caused it, used it, spread it and benefited from it. My ego is no longer safe and protected by me. It is exposed and transparent with my Creator and that's how I trudge. Someone shared in a meeting what the word trudge or trudging was defined as from the dictionary around the time the BB was written and it meant “To walk with purpose.”
Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.
I can't do that if I am stuck in a self propelled delusion blaming bubble. When I own it, I grieve for it, and then I accept responsibility and keep going. If something genuinely happens that in no way did I create or bring about based upon a decision I made from fear/self seeking....fine-but even those things I must turn over to God to teach me what I can do to turn even that into a positive, and hopefully use that experience to offer hope to others to overcome sometime random. There is no power in being a victim-no matter what's happened to us.
If my house is not in order and I am not gratefully walking with purpose everyday, then I have 12 Steps to find out why that plugs me back into the Source that wants to work for me, with me, and through me. I just need to be honest, open and willing so that I have the endurance to see each challenge through, process it and then grow from it.
Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.
May God bless you and keep you - until then.
May God bless you and keep you - until then.
Chop Wood, Carry Water!!