The prayer says quite plainly:
“My Creator, Whatever I think Created me-if I don't have faith in a HP just yet, I learned to divorce myself of the concept of my parents being my Creator as to separate them from my concept of HP-especially if our parents abandoned us or abused you in some sort of way-or were just kinda not perfect. When we were babies, and as children, our parents-especially our mother, is our HP. They are literally keeping us alive. If the mom is damaged and hasn't transmuted faith or provided stability, then I may keep interweaving these roles together and unknowingly be blocking God out. In other words...The creator of the eyeball, a tree, the human liver, ect...wasn't my mom and dad. They had sex and did the best they could but are no longer my HP and in control of whether or not I live or die...
I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad.
Willing: ready, eager, or prepared to do something.
If I am unwilling-not ready, eager or prepared, then it's lip service which does not convey experience no matter how good it sounds.
All: used to refer to the whole quantity or extent of a particular group or thing
This word is implying that there are two or more of "me"-so I am split, fragment and coming to the table with defects, identities, labels, concepts, perceptions, judgments, resentments, and quite possible actual entity attachments-if that doesn't line up with your cosmology-than disregard-I speak for me and not AA as a whole.
My point is that I am coming before God, my Creator saying "HERE I AM...in all my wreckage and whatever good is still left that hasn't completely succumb to the darkness I host and feed per my choices and decisions"
Step 6 was the precursor to becoming willing. If I don't even think I have defects-if no patterns or faults were revealed on my 4th and 5th, then there is no point in proceeding with this Step. We must make sure we genuinely want all these blocks removed, even if we haven't identified them-nothing but truth and transparency with my Creator here forward.
I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows.
You-not me. God could and would if he were sought...I can't remove defects. I have tried in the energy of the 3-D body meat suit, and I could not. I could fake it, but I couldn't remove it. When I became willing (ready, eager and prepared) and knew I had them, I just wanted all that was blocking me from God removed.
Now, as I grow up in AA I see that identifying them, understanding the opposite of the defects, practicing not doing them as I become consciously aware of them when I see them in others is beneficial- but if I am compelled to do something over and over and over and over and over that is harmful to myself and blocks me from peace-then I have lost the power of choice to choose and am by definition insane and powerless-so my only hope is God-but, again, if I am not willing, then I stay stuck in the relief orientation cycle-never free, just seeking relief.
Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen.”
I need God like air. If I think I am separated from the Creator then I am an open wound, a target to be infested, and that infestation will lead me to attempt to fill myself with things or people which brings more chaos and disconnect because doing anything without God is a disaster waiting to happen. I can't serve both the dis-ease and the solution in one body before I completely lose my mind and go crazy. I must align to one or the other and that decides my daily reprieve
God's bidding...What is God's bidding for me?
Scrolling?
Gossiping?
Sex spree?
Food Spree?
Thinking Spree?
Research Spree?
Obsession Spree?
Fear Spree?
That is not of God no matter how I try to justify it. That is the ego that holds me captive.
Like people in prison who are let out but have zero idea how to conduct themselves in a free construct-the will go back to what they know. Same principle. I NEED to know God to live and that is learning to be aligned to God's will and then protected within the safety of God's jurisdiction...otherwise it's being confined to my ego, your ego, and whatever is coming through on my many devices...they rule.
Serve God or Serve ego...I choose God because I do not KNOW how to conduct myself out there and I used childhood perceptions as my navigation tool which fed the malagusted mechanism which bred into some nasty defects. It's all I knew to do-It's all I will continue to do unless I ask God to remove and then allow you all to teach me a new way. I need to fill empty spaces with light of learning and growth rather than dark old ways, patterns and tactics that in no way serve God.
Who do I want to serve today?
What does that look like?
Consistency
Tidiness
Cleanliness
Order
Peace
Responsibility
Consideration of others time and energy
Contentment
Tasks
Goals
Joy
My day is going to be filled with the above and that's what will decide the outcome of my day. What I fill it with and who I align to as my HP. It's truly a daily choice.
Thanks,
Hilarie