Because of this process I have become interested in things that I NEVER would have before-not only interest, but consistency and follow through. When a being is in fight or flight from essentially birth, we can't just do the things we wish we could. Waiting for the next shoe to drop as a child was how I survived because I didn't have any choice.
As an adult, I still didn't have a choice because of my active alcoholism which rendered me powerless over alcohol- which made my life fundamentally unmanageable. That is the core issue for the alcoholic. I couldn't just "pull up my boot straps" as much as I wanted to-I could not.
I instead would find ways to gaslight or self sabotage so I could have a "do over" if that makes sense. For me "rising from the ashes" every few years was a hell of a lot more exciting than what it would take to actually mature and grow. Once the substance has been removed and the obsession to consume it, this is in my opinion our State of Grace period. Now what are you gonna do with it?!?
The miracle that took place, that I could have never pulled off in self will or desire, due to my powerlessness over alcohol- If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer. That's me
Until, and unless, I obtain a spiritual experience to conquer the illness, then I will probably drink again or live life as an untreated alcoholic. When we then have life issues come up that a spiritually treated alcoholic who trusts that though they can't see the big picture, they know God will give them the Courage to see it through; we then can handle it better and not seek relief in things that will harm that will cause us harm.
Everyday I wake up I am untreated spiritually. It's what I do after I wake EACH day that determines my spiritual fitness and willingness to go to any lengths to know God, stay sober, embody my purpose and trudge the road. The difference between me before my spiritual awakening, and me now, is that choice upon awakening.
Who or what will I choose to turn my life over to (the problem, or the solution)-because it's going to be something or someone no matter what. And based upon the evidence of my life, I choose God over me, them, or it everyday and twice on Sunday-even when the outcome looks bleak. I know that most people do not have my best interest or me them-even if we all think we do.
It's my responsibility to get well. It's not anyone's job to ensure my mental, spiritual or physical well being-that's a personal walk with God based upon my internal level of honesty. And my level of internal honesty is based upon my transparency with God and my fellows. Do I walk the walk or just talk the talk?
Now- I may still gaslight or self sabotage, or engage some old scripts and programs, but I rebound quickly and identify the source using the program as I was taught-it's not magic, nor does it just happen. I can easily tell when I am being used as an instrument for good, or being used to be an instrument of destruction. So my job is to locate the source of this interruption or hole in my armour that is unexamined.
Not sometimes-or just when it gets so bad I can't stand it-that's gaslighting myself to create change instead of the maturity involved with consistency, follow through and commitment.
Do I have any control over it? Can I change my perception of it? Do I need to make a change I don't want to make? What's in it for me even if it's bad? God how would you have me see this???
Maybe it's something I need to witness and grow through (as opposed to go through)...again, as long as it's not me gaslighting myself and others to loop my stuff to stir the pot to generate excitement long enough to take action; then these are normal rational questions to ask myself if I have been restored for the most part, to sanity.
Life is hard here. As a matter of fact, sometimes it sucks. Do I blame God-no, but sometimes I'm like "REALLY??" But I can again recalibrate and not engage the disease because I inherently understand that this is an opportunity/lesson/test (even though it sucks) to ultimately break free of something that is holding me in bondage.
THEN, I can use the lesson from the situation to help someone who is going through it or something similar which completes the circuit. OR-be a victim, blame God, blame others, loop the trauma cycle, never learn from it, create another delusion bubble that I didn't participate in or get the ball rolling with it in any way whatsoever and ride that nightmare over and over again.
What part of myself set me up to fail or put me in a position to be hurt or harmed? Did I not respect my limitations as to what I can handle or not? Did I set proper boundaries and verbally state my intentions or did I cut corners and now the thing has to cycle through to get me back on track. Barely anything "just happens" if you are honest with yourself.
The intention of the Set Aside "prayer" is the daily mantra of a recovered seeker that wants to go to any lengths to grow up and out of old patterns and perceptions that tether them to old ideas that are no longer compatible with where God wants to take them.
So my choice today and everyday:
Go down with the ship because that's what I know?...or be open to a new experience even if it flies in the face of what I thought I knew yesterday....I choose Higher Ground!