When I got here it was the honesty that sold me. All my life I just wanted the truth-until I didn't because I had become part of the overall facade. If you pretend I'm ok, I'll pretend you're ok...
The truth was-none of it was ok.
I got here and people were telling the truth of what this dis-ease truly does. It TAKES. They were not celebrating the defects like they were good, or taking pride in things that did serious damage to themselves and others; nor were they beating themselves up to pulp for having done them...instead it was different, something I had never seen before-accountability and reconciliation.
The 12 Steps, when worked, and continued to be worked-brings all of these matters into neutrality. When I continue to seek God, grow from mistakes, carrying the message and work with others, the circuit get complete. Those things I "did" are brought back into the still point and it is finished and no longer who I be.
I do not identify with the 7 deadlies; doesn't mean they don't creep in, but I now have weapons to combat it. I am not ashamed or proud of my past-it just was. I have "repented" (which just means change one's mind and continue to change my mind about my overall behavior) and am VERY candid about everything because that's what we do in here to help others-not out there.
God didn't get me sober to continue throwing myself under the bus, to humiliate or self deprecate ,nor to ride the experience of others-He got me sober to take up my sword and pull others out of the fire of their self imposed death sentence and to speak. To use my experience in the wilderness-and it is vast!! What would be the point of going through all that just to act like it didn't happen or not at least try to help others who are going through the same thing?? And that can apply to any struggle...what waste not to?! Wisdom is not in words; wisdom is in experience of overcoming-not just getting by and barely hanging in there. Why have we settled for that sort of recovery in AA??
We become givers, not takers. Victors, not victims. Peacemakers, not destroyers.
I was reflecting upon my mom on mothers day...she was one of us without the program-and a flaming Alanon. She was crazed, angry fearful, guilt ridden yet justified by others...just a overall mess-I say this in LOVE...LOL! But, before the die-ase killed her (it manifested as cancer in her lungs and brain she had completely shut down heart to love and shut down her mind to change) she was reading and it inspired her.
I discovered it, and some notes she took tucked away in it. I believe that God allowed her to tap into her highest and brightest self for just a moment, to experience this level of clarity and peace long enough to transfer that experience onto paper. Although she didn't have time here to fully realize, or integrate that peace into her own life, like we get in here-it helped to set me on a path to find it.
I would like to share them with my fellowship in hopes that her tragic life, and end, doesn't have to be ours.
I named it "A Poem, Unawares"
"I remember walking through the forest and all around was disorder and chaos; fallen and rotting trees, yet, beautiful moss growing on them.
Only if we are still enough inside can we be aware of the hidden harmony-a higher order in which everything has its perfect place. It could not be anything other than what it is!!
I may not understand it, agree with it, or be able to explain it; (Just be) (still)-about it.
This signifies a refusal to judge anything that happens in life-instead of judging what is, you accept it and so it enters into conscious alignment with the higher order. Do not mentally label it as good or bad-it just is, and let it be.
Do not allow myself to respond to it good or bad, with my finite human responses and understanding with such drama!
There is only the moment as it is-events and opinions should never be personalized-I will not be a victim."