When I was new, before I knew I would soon "commence to outgrow fear"
pg 68 BB- I utilized the Serenity Pray quite often. The things that scared me
back then, do not scare me now-more because I am not engaging in the things that
would bring about the situation that inviting fear in-also I have mastered the
concept of the part of the prayer that says "Wisdom to know the Difference" I
can ascertain quickly what I do or do not have the power to change and refuse to
suffer for the things I can't change-not because I'm special, but because I was
taught.
We have a design for living that when practiced everyday will remove the
obsession that compelled me to put myself in a position to revert back to a
fight or flight response. I must look at the reasons why I had it, why I kept
repeating it, what was I getting from it...What about the fear gave me an excuse
to not move forward? Stuck in statis, or freezing, inhibits growth and the
energy gets stuck, turns black and dies-at least when it comes to plants....but
I think metaphorically and perhaps physically, it's not too far off from human
beings.
I know fear blocks me from God. When I was in fear I sought relief.
Relief in the form of what's familiar. If alcohol, sex, shopping, scrolling,
sleeping, conflict, self sabotaging, gambling, smoking, eating-I have even known
people who find relief in getting hit....so if those things are where I draw
relief from, then those are the things I will continue to make my HP and stay
there until I make a decision to get honest and work the program.
Until I choose something else, I will stay stuck in my relief cycle. Or as my sponsor once said, "If nothing changes, nothing changes"
I shared with you all or a sponsee
about last year having a visceral body response to a situation that should NOT
have been so traumatic. I was shaking uncontrollably and felt like I was gonna
pass out or explode. Clearly I needed to investigate this further!
I didn't
panic, call anyone or look for relief...I allowed it to flow through me without
trying to stuff it or shut it down. It didn't kill me to feel it. I didn't pass
out or explode-those were the symptoms, and in AA we do not treat symptoms. I
allowed myself to process it through my body without getting angry or reactive.
Like how my dog would shake the fear cortisol off, that's what I did by allowing
it without reaction. Once it passed I did the next right thing...I PRAYED!!
I
prayed and cried and prayed and cried!! I released the frustration through ugly
crying! But that was just to get my body recalibrated so that I could think
clearly. I then did my inventory asking God and my body to surface the root
cause of the source of the trauma. I used our 4th Step as a format, asking
honest questions of myself, asking how I got the ball rolling in ALL situations.
In the unprocessed ones from childhood, thoses of course are not my fault, but
as an adult, and now that I know that I know the differences, it's my
responsibility to clean it up and stop the trauma cycle by allowing myself to be
traumatized over and over again with the decisions that preceded the whole
current incident or incidences.
So upon further investigation I was able to
clearly see that I invited that event from childhood back in using a different
"player/actor" in that role of victimizer to keep me stuck in the truma loop. It
was such a relief to finally see it! If my body does that again, in regards to
something else, I will see it as another opportunity to remove what is really at
the core and take the necessary measures/protocol to be free of yet another
layer.
Trust God
Clean House
Help Others