"Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power? Well, that’s exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem."
I wrote that the "hard" part was in learning to fully trust and rely on a power greater than myself, greater than human power, greater than booze, greater than labels, greater than titles and status, greater than money, greater than all the things and people I had made my higher power prior to knowing God.
Basically unlearning the old way I had done life in order to relearn how to do life on God's terms.
I then read something about "trust" in another program's literature and then of course went to my good ol webster's college dictionary to look up the word Trust.
And there it was, right there in one of the descriptions:
Trust: to place confidence : DEPEND to trust in God
How do I unlearn to relearn to depend and trust in God; and not the things or people in the world....I ask. Everyday. "Lead me to the truth, teach me how to trust you. Teach me how to have relationships with people without making them my higher power. Teach me to have a relationship with you. Teach me to properly communicate today. Teach me to do my job as your employer and not make this job my identity" etc...I can pray for anything that I am struggling with...but first I must admit to myself that I am doing it-that's actually the real hard part! LOL
My ego first had to deflate significantly for the ego death to occur then the reconstruction of the new spiritual being built from a solid foundation. That wasn't fun, but it was necessary in order to grow properly this time around.
No one taught me to have a relationship with God. I was taught that I was defined by my dis-orders, my dis-eases, my family of origin, my blood line, my education level, my gender, my color, my status...when that's what you are taught, that's what becomes your higher power. What happens if all that is taken away?
All the labels and identities that were either put upon me or that I put upon me, when removed, is VERY painful-but entirely worth it. Like having a child...yes I am sure it's horrific during, but you forget the pain when you see the child. I felt like I had to die to be reborn. Again, very, very painful but I would go through it again to be free from the delusions of grandeur and addictions I was enslaved by. The biggies are gone, but I wake up everyday to die to self again. Less me. more God.
AA taught me to learn to start to trust in the only power that will stabilize and sustain me-God. I am learning to trust myself. I am learning to make proper decisions based on logic, not by my temporary uncomfortable emotions or feelings. Not perfect, but honestly seeking to overcome rash reactive behavior. I learned that all of this can and will end and how much money I had or how schooled I was in a topic or how cool I sound or how many possessions I had will not matter in the slightest. I can't take any of my worldly knowledge or possessions with me in the end-nor does God give a crap about any of that.
So, who and what do I turn my will and my power over to today? Will it be my thoughts? My fears and worries about the future? My money and status? My many diagnoses, dis-eases and dis-orders? My facebook facade? My drama? My degrees of education? Will I spend all my time and energy here keeping up with the Jones or indulging in my labels to define me....Or am I gonna trust and give my allegiance to God and find my real identity in Him? It's a decision-a daily decision.
I sometimes take my will back during the day and start to rely on things outside of me that deplete me that I mentioned above; but I can always get right sized and put those things and people in their proper place at any time. "God, I just made the news media my higher power...help me to not allow the media or social media to have dominion (sovereignty or control) over me and to be the deciding factor as to how I conduct myself today and how I treat others. Help me to make sure all my basic instincts are in check so that I can function in the higher heart level today (4th dimension) instead of being ruled by my lower 3 dimensions (which is based nature or basic instincts)"
I can pray that with a person or an event. I pray that about a fear or resentment. I am learning that I can decide who and what gets my energy, attention and spiritual consent-and that actually gives me great power. Trusting in God and not those other things gives me power. Trusting and relying on those other things and people actually depletes my power.
Even if I get a momentary adrenaline or cortisol release and my body feels powerful, it's false and a misuse of my body's chemicals. It's an abuse of my body's resources. And it's an abuse of other people to attempt to draw energy from them to feed my misusing my body's chemical to acquire a feeling. That rush of excitement will never sustain me...just like a debate or a buying something, a orgasim, or a drink....it feels awesome at the time, but I will only need to keep getting "more" in order to get that feeling back. I then become an addicted parasitic vampire of someone or something to reclaim the energy I took in order to get that "rush".....I found it to be a painfully exhausting and unfruitful existence-total ego destruction is well worth it to be free from that crap.
Without knowing it, had we not been brought
to where we stood by a certain kind of faith? For did we not believe in our own reasoning? Did we not
have confidence in our ability to think? What was
that but a sort of faith? Yes, we had been faithful,
abjectly faithful to the God of Reason. So, in one way
or another, we discovered that faith had been involved all the time!
We found, too, that we had been worshippers.
What a state of mental goose-flesh that used to bring
on! Had we not variously worshipped people, sentiment, things, money, and ourselves? And then, with
a better motive, had we not worshipfully beheld the
sunset, the sea, or a flower? Who of us had not loved
something or somebody? How much did these feelings, these loves, these worships, have to do with pure
reason? Little or nothing, we saw at last. Were not
these things the tissue out of which our lives were
constructed? Did not these feelings, after all, determine the course of our existence? It was impossible to
say we had no capacity for faith, or love, or worship.
In one form or another we had been living by faith
and little else.
We the Agnostics 53-54