Surrender to me has meant the ability to run my home, to face my responsibilities as they should be faced, to take life as it comes to me day by day and work my problems out. That’s what surrender means to me. I surrendered once to the bottle and I couldn’t do these things. Since I gave my Will over to AA, whatever AA has wanted from me I have tried to do to the best of my ability…AA gives us alcoholics direction into a way of life without the Need for alcohol. - Anonymous
Prior to surrender I was always trying to control or predict outcomes. Having long drawn out conversations in my head where I would rationalize, justify, debate, persuade, manipulate, argue, rehearse conversations with people; or replay past conversations or incidents.
I did this sober too until I became consciously aware of it. I thought that way of living and thinking was completely normal. Needless to say all the energy into thinking or planning made my life pretty unmanageable. Facing day to day responsibilities and normal problems were just too much. In surrendering even my thoughts.
"God, I am being bombarded with a lot of noise today, a lot of drama my mind is trying to pull me into. I don't have the power to shut it off but will you teach me what is truth and what is false. Help me to discern what really needs my attention. Help me to stay focused on the tasks I have in front of me in this reality...not the false reality in my head."
I once told my mom "If you were in my head, you would have to drink too" This attempt to get her off me and feel sorry for me. I now do not need a drink or to draw sympathy for having to do the right things in life because it's no longer overwhelming me. I used my alcoholism to avoid backlash for not being able to do or handle normal life stuff, try to make others feel guilty and have to overcompensate for me.
Being consciously aware of the noise my mind feeds me is now pretty amusing. I see the lengths my dis-ease will go to to try to manipulate me into a mini-drama. It just wants my attention, like a messed up child. It wants to distract and derail me. I don't have to ignore it, or shut it down. I recognize it, that my ego had to take over for a while until I got right with God. So I thank the ego for doing the best it could when I wasn't relying on God's guidance. I say "thank you for that, but I am gonna choose not to latch onto that and ask God for truth."
In daily surrender, I don't get pulled down or drained by the noise. I get more done. I am reliable. I am trustworthy. I am accountable. I am not spastic or running around like a chicken with my head cut off. My life is manageable and I am more receptive to the present moment with all of the gifts that I can focus on instead of the noise in my head or the noise on a screen.