I am beyond blessed by the removal of the obsession of alcohol. It's sometimes hard for me to remember just how tormented and consumed I was by it. I am grateful that I get to work with newcomers that remind me of this; that I never have to live that way again. I no longer have to take the low road.
The low road may not look low from the outside in, we may look like we have all our s*** together, we may even have degrees or letters behind our name, we may still have the house, family and status; but dying inside. Death by 1000 cuts, 1000 hangovers, 1000 embarrassing episodes, drunken foolish talk, those all add up.
I thought I was too smart for AA. The same mind that told me that, was the same mind that told me doing the same thing over and over again would yield a different result. If nothing changes, nothing changes. The only way I was gonna change is if I kept doing what my mind interpreted as silly and mundane that were suggested by my sponsor and others in the fellowship. "Stack chairs...really?" Show up early and make coffee for free....seriously, do you know how valuable my time is?" Listen to speaker CDs and go to a meeting every day???!!" Read this, write this" OMG-are you kidding me, I am not even getting paid for this!" I was a BRAT. A spoiled little self entitled brat. But, I did it anyway-calling everyone in my mind ignorant and simple minded along the way!
Being stubborn and too intellectual for my own good was a stumbling block in the beginning, but there was a part of me that was willing to take these suggestions-that part was willing to go to any lengths to get free. The part that resisted was my dis-ease that wanted me tethered to dependence on alcohol for relief. It wants to hold me captive and will use my intellect against me.
"See, you're not as bad as that chick...you are educated, you don't need AA!"
"You haven't lost anything and haven't suffered any consequences so your not a drunk"
"People at work and in the church respect and admire you, you can still drink, they won't know"
Just some of the many excuses that the mind gives women who haven't had some of the major hits. I was hit by life hard at the end of my drinking adventures. Not as hard as some, but hard. This was because that's what it took for me. I was kept afloat along by the delusions my mind fed me to justify continuing to drink. Some women have to face jail time, some have to face job loss, their children being taken away, or worse. So then what about the women who still have their careers or the housewife who has the perfect Instagram life...should they suffer until they loose it all to the progressive dis-ease of alcoholism? NO!!
My cousin is an example of this. Her life looks PERFECT, like annoyingly perfect. My cousin was the blond bombshell cheerleader type. She outwardly has everything, the perfect husband and children. All good looking and seemingly successful. I know the truth. I know the hell she faces everyday even though outwardly she looks like she has it all. I know the icky secrets she has to keep. It takes one to know one. I tried to keep up the facade too for many many years. Being finally steamrolled by this disease is what got me into the rooms. I don't know if my cousin will ever seek AA or God, but if she ever did, we will be here-God willing.
If your life seems seems perfect but you are dying inside, angry, frustrated, pissed that you husband isn't fixing you, pissed that your husband is trying to fix you, pissed that you can't not say no to the glass of white wine that turns into a bottle or two, but the wine is a good Napa Valley Chardonnay so I am not a wino...then welcome. You don't need to lose it all to get well. If you are not ready, we're not gonna force you to be. I personally do not sponsor the unwilling, but the rooms are still here for you when you are ready.
I didn't know that there were normal women in the rooms. I thought they were all homeless ex-cons...I think that's one thing that kept me out. Why I didn't or wouldn't qualify myself as an alcoholic. I saw AA as shameful; the last resort for the unfortunate losers. Thank GOD I couldn't afford rehab otherwise I wouldn't be here. Thank God I became an unfortunate loser!
Long share long, I am blessed beyond measure to have escaped the repetitive torture of having to plan my life around my drinking. Hiding my drinking, hiding the bottles, calling in sick, covering up the lie, franticly walking up in the middle of night to delete drunken facebook posts, checking my phone to see who I called or text, waiting to find out from my boyfriend if he was gonna leave me for this one, having to delete messages from my side dudes, waking up on the bottom of my shower after being in there all night with cold water on, accidentally drinking nail polish remover thinking it was water next to my bed, walking around my house banging up against the walls, waking up with bruises from falling into things, terrified every day of my life. Yeah, I don't miss it.
The "relief" I now get allows me to take the high road that is sustainable and spiritual. My intellect can't wrap itself around it. It can't explain it with charts and graphs...My intellect that said I could think my way through life or a drink, has finally taken the back seat. It's no longer in charge...my spirit is in charge-God is in charge-and for that I am blessed!