I personally didn't have any courage when I walked to and in my first women's AA meeting. I was early; humiliated that I didn't even have a car to get myself there. I sat there on the grass and cried-I couldn't believe that my life had come to this. What I did have was desperation. I had nowhere else to turn. I was under God's grace at the time, and He gave me just enough strength I needed to get there even though I didn't know Him or trust Him yet.
What I did by walking there wasn't courageous-I was desperate and depleted. The desperation of a drowning woman kept me afloat until I learned that I needed to pray for courage. You gave me a simple Serenity Prayer that opened me up to seeking God for courage. I didn't know how to talk to God or ask anything other than to get me out of whatever trouble I had created for myself, so this asking for courage, strength, wisdom and discernment was new territory for me.
God back then was of the santa clause variety.
"God, I promise I will be good if you just get that cop off my a** and get me home before I get pulled over."
"God, please don't let my boss find out that I was drinking at work!!"
"This is your fault....you took my mom and put stupid people in my life...YOU OWE ME"
This was the extent of my prayers and reliance on God. You do for me and get me out of this....my idea of God at the time very much mirrored how I viewed people. "You make me better! You rescue me! You do it for me and maybe I will do for you"
So simply asking:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference;
and thanking God that I was sober that day, was about all I could handle at the time.
I always felt like a prey animal out here. I got a false sense of courage from a bottle. I drank before work meetings, interviews, dates, social events and family gatherings. I didn't get hammered, I just needed some liquid courage to give me the confidence I needed to get through it. It worked too! I always got the job, sounded well spoken in interviews and meetings, and was able to talk to people in social gatherings. It gave me all the things I needed to do life...but the side effects of this method to cope only compounded my fear and humiliation.
I didn't know that real sustainable courage comes from God and God alone. I got from God the same courage I got from alcohol, and then some, without the nasty side effects. I realized that I wasn't designed to do life alone or it's or my terms. I was intelligently and meticulously designed to rely on God. I was just never taught how to. My introduction to the world until I learned otherwise, was to rely on unstable parents and people, teachers that didn't care about me, what my peers thought of me- then in adulthood, alcohol, my job, boss, significant others, cell phone, tv, my label or title, doctors and authority figures...they all became my higher power.
That fallacy and dependency on those things to keep me safe or ensure my place in this world, created a lot of fear, resentment, anger and frustration. I never felt ok until I drank, but felt worse after, and so the pattern continued. My learned and inherited survival skills not only hurt myself but hurt others along the way. I would try to isolate, I guess in part to protect them from me, but I would inevitable get lonely and seek companionship. My defects and maladjusted perceptions would ensure that wouldn't turn out well.
Now I have a new way to do life. God's way. I have learned to put God in place of worldly dependency. Yes, I still have those things to a certain extent, but I don't rely on them to ensure my safety or validate me. They have been released from being my HP. God is now in his proper place, and those things and people in theirs.
God gives me serenity, strength, courage and discernment between what and what I can not change daily. I ask for it, and I trust that He will provide no matter what. It may not be my plan or design, but I know He knows what is best for me. I just have to be straight forward "God, I have no idea what this is going to look like, or what you are doing with me here, but I choose to trust you. Just grant me the courage to accept your plan and not fight you or try to manipulate outcomes for the softer and easier result-that half measure stuff doesn't work for me. Help me to trust you and carry me through"
"We never apologize to anyone for depending upon
our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way
of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means
courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust
their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we
let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We
ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to
what He would have us be. At once, we commence to
outgrow fear." BB-68