"If we were to live, we had to be free of anger."
Today I was faced with two scenarios that have patterned their way through my life. Ingrained/programmed deeply in me from my childhood to bring me into wild animal depleting anger-but today, by God's grace, I finally was able to break free from any anger that would have manifested by this pattern. I was hurt, a little embarrassed. and kinda irritated with the person who projected this back to me...But, I didn't feel anger.
I get that this is his rage, his defects, his frustrations, his patterns and his childhood stuff that he is projecting onto me belongs to him attempting to gaslight me. I have done the same to him and others in the past so I know what it looks like. That I have a choice now whether or not to participate. Before I didn't feel like I had a choice...I was compelled to react, fight back, debate and seethe with anger into a complete adrenal blowout....aka, emotional hangover. I truly see this person as spiritually sick. Why personalize his defects? Why hurt us both with an emotional response to a temporary situation? This is me being restored to sanity and matured from a LONG and painful pattern that was broken only by God's grace and my willingness to keep growing.
I have known "intellectually" for a while that reacting to other peoples defects doesn't serve me, or them. BUT, just like alcohol or any other addiction or defect, I was powerless to stop. If I had power, I would have stopped years ago-all of it. Like Bill talks about in the Big Book how self knowledge wasn't enough. He thought when he learned about his dis-ease from Dr. Silkworth, that he had an actual allergy to alcohol, that we experience an obsession of the mind so compelling that will always bring us back to something we intellectually know isn't good for us.
He hadn't any power to combat this once the allergy is triggered; he thought that this "knowledge" would sustain him. Nope...not a real alcoholic or addict of any kind...even if that addiction is our bodies own chemical responses to drama...it will always win out. I call fall prey to any obsession at any time which is why I must utilize each tool that was laid at my feet in AA, and more importantly trust God's way of refining me into who he would have me be from here on out.
So basically, just like my drinking, I have nothing to do with the many miracles that God has given me. All I "do" is pray for him to mold me each day and have faith when the growing pains/pruning of the tree is uncomfortable. I refuse to stop growing because of someone else's defects...But, I have real compassion and love for those who are still in turmoil by their own disease. I know they suffer terribly with each defect- just as I did.
I love my HP, Jesus Christ, for teaching me this new way of love which I could have only learned by taking the sacred Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, working with others and committing myself completely to this path...trudging the road to happy destiny...God leading me!