For this meeting I have chosen the passage below from the 2nd Addition, THE INDEPENDENT BLONDE pg 538-539; Nancy F. Story. Nancy came to A.A. in June 1945, when she was 39 years old. Her contact with A.A. was at the clubhouse on Ninth Avenue and 41st Street. She expected to meet a bunch of bums, so did not get dressed up because she didn't want to look better than everybody else. When she arrived Park Avenue types were there. "And I was so welcome. It was the first time I felt welcome." She was impressed on coming to A.A. to meet a countess (Felicia G., "Stars Don't Fall." Second Addition)
At that time Nancy had a little beauty shop and often gave permanents to members of A.A., those who could afford to pay her and those who could not. She didn't like to work with the families in the beginning. "I was mad at the families. I wouldn't talk to anybody but the alcoholic."
THE INDEPENDENT BLONDE pg 538-539
"I went to meetings every night in the week, because I'm that kind of person. I either do a thing or I don't do it. I didn't have to give up very much, because my life before A.A. was very empty, very lonely, and very superficial. Then I was always afraid of being a sucker, for some unknown reason—I always thought people were taking advantage of me.
One day a call came in to the clubhouse for someone to go out and do a Twelve Step job. And they looked at me and said, "How long are you in?" and I said, "A week or so." And they said, "Oh, you can't go. You have to be sober three months." And then I realized that here I had spent all of my life afraid that people were trying to get something out of me, and I had nothing to give! Now I was in an organization where they needed someone that had something I didn't have; someone who was sober three months, who had some sort of stability; someone that had kindness in their hearts for other human beings, and compassion for their suffering. I had to wait until these people gave it to me so that I could go out and give it away.
Then I began to have trouble with myself, and I went to see Dr. Silkworth and he explained to me what honesty was. I always thought honesty had something to do with telling other people the truth. He explained that it had to do first with telling myself the truth. I spent most of my life worrying about myself, thinking that I was unwanted, that I was unloved. I've learned since being in A.A. that the more I worry about me loving you, and the less I worry about you loving me, the happier I'll be.
I discovered a fellowship of human beings that I'd never seen before. I learned how to have self-respect through work that A.A. gave me to do. I learned how to be a friend. I learned how to go out and help other people—there was nowhere else I could have done that. I have learned that the more I give, the more I will have; the more I learn to give, the more I learn to live."
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In the 1st Step...."We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable" was the first time I was honest with myself. Unless I could get honest with me, how could I be honest with you? Alcoholics are not dumb, we make some questionable decisions, but we know truth when we hear it. The act of carrying the message in AA requires our experience, our truth to be told. If I am not willing to be honest with myself, or haven't fully conceded that I am alcoholic, then my message will not have depth or weight and I won't be an effective agent for God.
I love how she went to Silkworth and he explained honesty to her; that's sweet. The opening paragraph in Doctors Opinion says:
We of Alcoholics Anonymous believe that the reader will be interested in the medical estimate of the plan of recovery described in this book. Convincing testimony must surely come from medical men who have had experience with the sufferings of our members and have witnessed our return to health.
The authors knew that having an endorsement from a Doctor for the plan of recovery, would hold depth and weight for many. It also helps to know what is actually wrong with someone before a plan of recovery can be implemented. We then have Bills and the others story to help us identify with another alcoholic. Can I identify with how they drank...the hopelessness,...the wanting die? Am I a real alcoholic or do I just need therapy or perhaps a different 12 Step group? We get to self diagnose as alcoholic or not. We are not told we are by anyone. Then we work the Steps with another alcoholic women who has worked the Steps in their entirety.
After I have worked the Steps...I am now ready to carry the message that has depth and weight to the next sick and suffering alcoholic. I don't need credentials or perfection-just my experience in the disease, the solution and the BB. I continue to learn to love in a way I didn't even know existed. I don't have to be a perfect sponsor or member of AA-ever. Do I still "have trouble with myself" as Nancy puts it...Yes! And I probably always will- but I won't drink because of it. The women I work with know this. I don't have to hide my humanness.
The truth holds depth and weight even in my imperfections. I just have to be willing to be ok with my imperfections-and be ok about you knowing about them. That's probably been the biggest challenge...is being ok, not being perfect. I heard a speaker say "Really...you want to be the most popular or perfect in AA?? Stop it!!" The most import thing we do here is work with others-period. My primary purpose is not to be the AA gestapo, perfect, popular, or even liked; and if it is, I need to rework my Steps.