HIS CONSCIENCE
2nd Edition page 372
"Certainly, I still have my ups and downs in my new life without alcohol, but during my years in A.A., I have been and am continually learning to accept the things I cannot change, being given courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.How has all this happened to me? I have already mentioned how important was this new-found fellowship, but I am sure there is more to it than that alone. Right from the start of my attending A.A. meetings, I heard various speakers give all credit to a Power greater than themselves. One morning as I was walking to work, from seemingly nowhere at all, there came a thought that there was a possibility that I might never drink again. I have had no desire to drink since that time. It was certainly nothing that I myself could have done that brought this new-found peace. There was only one answer. This Power greater than myself had, as to so many others, restored me to sanity.
Finally, let me say that I am sure that I could not have in the past seven years, nor can I in the future, enjoy my happy and contented sobriety unless I try to share it with others. Therefore, my earnest hope in relating my experience here is that it will help someone, anyone with a drinking problem, but particularly that person who may still be hanging on to his job or business, or may still be holding his home together.
It has often occurred to me that, if I had been a baseball player and had lost an arm, I would soon have reconciled myself to the fact that I could no longer play baseball. Similarly, with the great help of this fellowship, I have reconciled myself to the fact that I can no longer handle alcohol even to the extent of taking a single drink.
A.A. has given me a happy and contented way of living, and I am very deeply grateful to the founders and early members of A.A. who plotted the course and who kept the faith."
My sponsors husband gifted me the 2nd edition of the Big Book which can be found in PDF, or at a wonderful resource website that I will not name, but feel free to private message me if you would know what it is as it contains much of our AA history among many other valuable tools.
I certainly have had my ups and downs in sobriety, but the great fact that still amazes me to this day, is that the obsession to drink is gone. It never even occurs to me now that drinking is an option; restored to sanity. That doesn't mean that I do not struggle for sanity in other areas of myself, but I am sane where alcohol is concerned as promised in the BB. Even if I happen to be going through something that I perceive as horrific, I don't think about drinking. All God, not me. I drank. That's what I did no matter what. I couldn't not not drink over anything, over nothing-over and over.
I wasn't a falling down drunk, not saying that I didn't have my moments, but I was a "functioning drunk" for the most part, who didn't think she was. That it's sunny outside and I am not drinking is a still a freaking miracle. I of course drank even when it was cloudy, but I LOVED to drink when the sun was out, feeling especially justified in doing so. I had a very well orchestrated drinking ritual that suited me. I was not a bar drinker, I was a home, playing around the house, listening to music by myself drinker. This didn't go over well if I found myself in a new relationship, as then I had to start hiding it and pretending I didn't drink that much, which caused me great resentment toward them-lol!
Anyway, when I was single, I would get my pint bottle of vodka and six pack of beer if I was off work (half pint-no beer, if I was working) I got a new bottle each day as this is how I practiced "controlled drinking". I would then clean my house, do my laundry and at around noon crack open my first beer at the pool. I lived in an apartment so I would bring my little cooler and lay in the sun. I hid my beer from even the neighbors! LOL!!! I would then go home home start on my vodka. That's when my party really started!
I measured out my booze very preciously, and even had each drink timed down to bed time when I would knock myself out with sleep aids. I would play around my house, gardening or organizing. Then I would break out the PHONE-UHG. I thank God I didn't have a computer or social media back then-just at work. So I couldn't make too much of an ass out of myself, well, not until a few years later ;) I mostly just humiliated myself with myself like waking up at the bottom of the shower with water still going, or accidentally drinking nail polish remover thinking it was water, or waking up with cereal spilled all over me because I made it in the middle of the night and passed out while eating it.
When I was in a relationship with one guy who I moved into my personal horror show; he found me in front of the fridge talking the "refrigerator people". Another time he found me passed out in a chair in front of our computer, probably taking to other dudes online. He thought I was dead. I ended up cheating on him with his cousin who just happen to be married...You, know crap like that that made drinking not just a outlet, but a necessity in order to face myself and who I really was.
I talk about this today with such gratitude that I never have to live that way again. I am not embarrassed or ashamed because I have thoroughly followed the path-including amends to those I harmed (those that I could) God, and his universe. I can see the bigger picture and I know that my behavior is forgiven and not who I am anymore. I know my story does, and will continue to help others break free from the shadows. It's not a struggle to not drink which is what I assumed my life would be after quitting. I think that's what kept me out of the rooms for so long was the common misconception I had that I would be barley hanging on to sobriety for the rest of my life-which is just not true.
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. pg 58 BB
I finally got honest with myself and quit blaming others for who I had become. Communicating with like minded people the truth about my drinking and my shady past; ultimately set me free. Practicing honesty in all my affairs, and conveying honesty with sponsees as to where I came from and who I was, keeps me free. When this is worked, the result is happy contented sobriety as mentioned above. I must work with others to find keep that contentment.
I was sharing with a new sponsee the other day how if I don't work with others I will start to forget where I came from and just how far the Lord has brought me. Where I would find my contentment with my weird little drinking rituals, men, drama, job label, worldly acknowledgement; I now find doing this, talking to a sponsee or my sponsor, meetings, listening to podcasts, sacred silence, writing, reading or walks.
I was RESTLESS. IRRITABLE and DISCONTENTED, even before I picked up my first drink. This tells me that the drink was just my way of finding peace from my head. The problems just kept getting worse as a result of drinking. Now that I have replaced that, with this, the results are sustainable peace and sobriety. Not problem free, as I still live in the world, but real joy and contentment that I couldn't get from a bottle. I could only get that from God.
We are currently dealing with Brian losing his job as a nurse because of his own never acknowledged demons. But God, in his infinite wisdom and mercy has separated him from that career and giving him the opportunity to do what we are doing in another 12 Step program. We are both doing the right thing which means I have nothing to worry about. God will, has and does provide provided I do my part. I can't believe and I say this in absolute truth, I am not worried or spinning about this. It's the coolest thing ever to trust God in these times. I sometime take my will back, not get me wrong, progress, not perfection...but for the majority of the time I am in God reliance and this keeps me still.