This is what I want to share with you today:
We were still trying to find emotional security by being dominating or dependent upon others. Even when our fortunes had not ebbed that much and we nevertheless found ourselves alone in the world, we still vainly tried to be secure by some unhealthy kind of domination or dependence.
For those of us who were like that, A.A. had a very special meaning. Through it we begin to learn right relations with people who understand us; we don't have to be alone any more.
12x12 pg 117 Step 12
This was always the theme of my life-dependency or domination.
When I was an active drinker and into sobriety, I didn't know what love was. I thought I did, but how could I have love if I had impure motives, dependency or domination? I had used people to "feed me". I was dependent on them to love me, do for me, make me feel good, validate me, give me attention, listen to me, think I was amazing, ect. When they fell short of my expectations and/or I couldn't dominate/bully them into doing things the way I wanted, I became dependent/victim.
I would then make their lives miserable until they finally had enough and left me. Not once did it occur to me to give to them what I thought I needed without motive or expectation. It didn't occur to me because I was never taught. How could I receive or transmit something I never had experienced? So I don't beat myself up anymore for not knowing.
I was loved by my sponsors and others in AA, in that they were teaching me to not be emotionally dependent on them. They instead taught me how to communicate with them, to turn to God, and to use the tools of our program. Learning from others-not relying on them. They taught me discipline over my emotional nature- recognizing that my temporary feelings were just that-temporary. That my reaction to these temporary feelings were what was causing harm. That my feelings were not absolute truth just because I felt them. They are part of it, but the tools were there to show me the reality of whatever the situation was so that I could process the feelings instead of stuffing them.
The feelings I have about one thing with blend in with the next incident life throws my way unless identified and processed. If I can process each thing as it comes in and then be done with it, this will help me to be more consistent in making mature and proactive decisions. Responsive, not reactive. I don't have to dramatically storm off or rage about something else that I didn't deal with, just to carry this pattern or incident into a new relationships, situation, or other dealings with humans. I am learning to maturely process life because a stranger loved me and took the time to teach me. They may have taught me during a speaker meeting, workshop. sponsorship or a meeting share-whatever the form, I am grateful.
People and stuff are now becoming an asset, not a liability. If I am not attached to them to feed me, or attached to their perception of me, I can experience love and companionship as God intended relationships to be. If I am using someone to make me feel a certain way, then I am using them like I used alcohol or any substance. For example; if I had low self esteem, I would be on the prowl to find someone or something to elevate me, to esteem me-hence, abusing whatever or whoever to build me up. This can be a family member, job title, status in community, my body image, alcohol, drugs..whatever-to make me feel good about me.
The number 1 definition of Abuse is defined as:
verb
1.use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse.
noun
1. the improper use of something.
I improperly misused people and things my entire life. When alcohol was removed, I was still using people and couldn't understand why my life was just as it was when I was drinking. I was sober, but still untreated. When I worked the Steps and became a sponsor, I learned to form relationships with people that didn't involve past my "go to's" I used prior. A few of my past go to's included:
Sex
Dominance/Control
Manipulation
Dishonesty
One, if not all, of my maladjusted mechanisms were interwoven in every single relationship I had ever had throughout my life. When I am sponsored and sponsoring, I learn how have genuine relationships void of these replaced by:
Compassion
Tolerance
Love
Patience
Kindness
Communication
Honesty
Respect
AA and my sponsors taught me a new way to love without expectation, dependency or domination. I do not need to be the center of attention anymore. I can listen to others without talking over them (most of the time). I can give without wanting anything in return. I don't need outsiders or status to elevate me or provide me emotional security (except Brian, the emotional security, among other parts of self -which is a work in progress). And when I do feel like some part of self is at threat by him, or anyone, I have inventory and a sponsor to get to the root cause which leads me to acceptance or action and strait back to God as I temporally replaced God with Brian-it happens ;)
I am not alone in the world anymore because I see that the world isn't against me. I spent all those years fighting with the world, playing the victim or trying to dominate, so that I wouldn't get hurt. That was what was causing me the hurt-and I was hurting others. I was the problem because I had a unhealthy need to dominate everything and when that didn't work, I became victim to it. I was the abuser, which was a hard fact to face, but God gave me the courage and AA gave me the tools to face this inconvenient truth about myself.
I am learning to love without condition or expectation. Am I perfect at this-hell no, but I'm growing toward that because I attempt to practice it everyday until it becomes natural. Also working on loving even when things are not going my way.....that's hard when you are living with active and untreated addicts..But, we have Al-anon for that. Thank God!