Some drinkers have excuses with which they are satisfied part of the time. But in their hearts they really do not know why they do it. Once this malady has a real hold, they are a baffled lot. There is the obsession that somehow, someday, they will beat the game. But they often suspect they are down for the count.*Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition There Is A Solution, pg. 23
My alcoholic mind justified and rationalized the drink nearly everyday for 15 years. I didn't overcome these thoughts actually...I was brought to my knees out of a real desperation to live. For a split moment I actually didn't want to die. Every moment before that, for the last few months of my drinking career I prayed for death on a daily basis. The night of my separation, aka, last drink, I felt the hands of death wrapped around my neck-literally.
The next morning I emptied and threw out all my bottles, and finally threw away the empty ones that I had hidden (from who I don't know-maybe the garbage man or roommate) In between dry heaves and hyperventilating I called the three last people I had left in the world and was finally honest. I told them how much I really drank and that I really wanted to stop.
I started doing online real-time AA meetings, did some online rehab worksheets and thought I could just "do this" on my own. At about 15 days sober I could smell the alcohol my roommate was making (distilling moonshine) they weren't alcoholic, just did it for fun, and I knew I would drink if I didn't get help. I didn't know it at the time, but now I see that God was with me and gave me just enough humility to walk my a** to a face to face meeting.
I got a sponsor that night and proceeded to inform her that I was on Step 6 from the work sheets I was doing online. She smirked and said "nope, your on Step 1"
During my drinking career I didn't know that I suffered from a spiritual malady (spiritual sickness) and a actually physical allergy (allergy means-abnormal reaction to somthing) that triggered the phenomenon of craving or the "obsession of the mind".
I just thought I was weak, stupid, helpless, hopeless, doomed to drinking until I died because I really saw no way out or anyway else to live.
I tried to beat the game by switching from vodka to wine, wine to gin, gin back to vodka...I tried to get into a relationship with a normal stand up guy just to hide my drinking in the bath tub, I tried to move to another city, changed jobs, walked away from friends, I purged, cut, knocked myself out with sleeping pills so I wouldn't drink so much, I tried to abstain from alcohol with out doing the Steps...I tried everything but humbling myself and asking for help.
If you are new, ask for help. Nobody can diagnose you alcoholic, you must conclude that for yourself. Read the Doctors Opinion which will explain what the problem is from a medical prospective based upon Dr. Silkworths years and years of working with us. Then read Bills Story...Even though Bill is a man, and his experience was over 70 years ago, I can still identify with Bill and how he drank. Step 1 is Chapters 1,2, 3 in the Big Book...
I am still powerless over alcohol. I will always be powerless over alcohol...meaning I can't drink alcohol. But, I no longer need, or think I need alcohol. I have been restored to sanity and know that if I drink it I will be right back to where I was and worse. I am allergic to alcohol...it will consume me if I consume it. So just as someone who is fatally allergic to peanuts sanely reacts to peanuts by not consuming it, same thing for me. I know I can't consume it and the Steps gave me a solution to the reasons why I drank to begin with.
They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks -- drinks which they see others taking with impunity. BB The Doctor's Opinion, pp.xxviii-xxix
(ease and comfort comes from my higher power, God...alcohol isn't where I get comfort anymore-it is no longer my higher power)
As long as I keep close to my Creator, practice these principles in all my affairs, and work with others I have immunity from my malady...from the spiritual sickness that wanted me dead but settled for me drunk. Since and if the malady is in check, I won't consume the thing that causes the "craving" so I don't have to worry about it-I am free.
"Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when others fail." pg 89
This work is to "insure" immunity from drinking. If I am complacent in my sobriety-then I will relapse...if I'm not, I won't-that simple. I am always on Step 1 and I hope I always approach this work with the same desperation I did as a newcomer no matter how much "time" I accumulate.
This work is to "insure" immunity from drinking. If I am complacent in my sobriety-then I will relapse...if I'm not, I won't-that simple. I am always on Step 1 and I hope I always approach this work with the same desperation I did as a newcomer no matter how much "time" I accumulate.