I had NO idea the solution was God when I first got here. I thought "I" will just stop drinking, go to a few meetings, and my life will just be better. First, "I" didn't just quit drinking...if it would have been me, I would have done it along time ago. It was all God. What he did was separate me from alcohol and gave me the will to live. What I did with that separation was up to me. It was a reprieve, then a removal of the obsession to drink, just for a moment. Full God reliance came later, which I learned through the Steps.
I had to replace my higher power, alcohol, with a new Higher Power-God...At that time it was a Group of Drunks.
I started to rely on God the way I relied on alcohol. Instead of going to the liquor store, I went to a meeting.
Instead of my afternoon drink I called my sponsor.
Instead of passing out at night, I prayed. Instead of complaining, I wrote gratitude lists.
Instead of worrying, I wrote down my fears and put them in my "God box".
Instead of getting buzzed and looking in on people and their wonderful facebook life, I went for walks.
Instead of watching TV with a drink, I listened to AA speakers....all this adds up, builds momentum toward God and getting well. I ultimately recovered from a seemly hopeless state of mind and body as our BB promises...
I was absolutely hopeless by the end. But that was soon replaced that with hope.
All this before I even knew God, or knew that he was doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. None of which I could do for myself, like I said, if I could have, I would have years ago.
When I found myself in a new relationship at 4 months sober; having all the answers to life with all the wisdom I accumulated in that short time, the relationship and my sobriety was tested beyond anything I could have possible imagined. Based on my history, I should have relapsed, or at the very least cheated. I had thought that because I was sober that I would live happy ever after....LOL!! I didn't yet know about defects or my maladjusted decision making that I brought with me into this new relationship.
I was forced to REALLY turn to God and my program of AA. I was completely wounded by this "event" and my half in, half out, cute little meetings sometimes here and there recovery, wasn't gonna sustain me through this, I and I knew it.
I started listening to a AA podcast of real recovered alcoholics working a real program proudly thumping a big book. This was new to me as my AA up until then had been somewhat superficial and flowery. But these people were talking about the power of God, the Steps and the Big Book like I hadn't heard before. It was somewhat annoying because they were speaking to my ego that didn't want to let go of the power it had over me. But I listened anyway. I knew if I didn't, I would drink again, and I had enough AA in me to render me teachable. I didn't know that I had made the new guy my higher power instead of working my program as it was intended to be worked-by the book.
I called my then sponsor and told her I needed to do the work again. I finally did a REAL inventory. I finally got on my knees and prayed consistently each morning, and each evening...it wasn't much, but it would eventually start to squash the ego and subsequently catapult me into the 4th dimension. Everything I did up until then was based in fear. Instead of fear, I started to have faith. Every time Peter M. said God reliance, I cringed, but I listened anyway.
God is now my only Higher Power. Not me, not people, not the guy, not the world, and certainly not booze. Do I still have fear once in a while...of course. Do I sometimes take my will back...ABSOLUTELY... But now I know what to do with the fear and how to surrender my will back if I go off the rails.
I was taught how to replace fear with faith. I know, not just think, I know that Gods plan is much bigger then my temporary feelings and emotions. I know that drinking doesn't work-it never did. My self will, self reliance, ego, told me to self destruct and take people down with me...to go to the store and get that temporary relief for a temporary problem. God it's not temporary...he is real and he works. Hilarie's "quick fixes" create madness. God creates lasting peace and freedom from bondage of self.
If I have a temporary problem, annoyances, sadness, fear or sickness, I can turn to God and I trust that things will work out how they are supposed to. I don't have to manipulate his plan anymore. I can accept what is in front of me, and trust that he will show me what the next right thing to do is.
Sometime that might just be to sit, cry in the bath tub, take a nap, reach out to a newcomer...it's not like it was before when I would grab a drink, run, call everyone crying or seek refuge in some guy-or someone elses guy for that matter. I can now process the feelings and emotions without causing harm to myself and others by relying on my Father in heaven to guide me, get me through, and then rise beyond the situation at hand. I am growing and I get stronger each time I don't seek temporary relief in the things of this world.
I never in a million years thought I would LOVE and rely upon God they way I do. Someone who literally rolled her eyes and mocked God and those who believed in God. I compassionately referred to them as mindless simpletons. I was just to intellectual for Jesus and the bible....I was so intellectual that I completely destroyed my life just to turn back to God, who I mocked....Go figure.
We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear. BB-pg 68