Contempt Prior to Investigation
"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments, and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance—that principle is contempt prior to investigation." Most members of A.A. are familiar with this oft repeated quote. The concept has become part of the A.A. way of life.
(Big Book - Appendices II - Big Book - Appendices II - Spiritual Experience - (pp. 567-568)
con·tempt:
the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.
pri-or:
pri-or:
existing or coming before in time, order, or importance.
in·ves·ti·ga·tion:
the action of investigating something or someone; formal or systematic examination or research.
My life prior to AA was nothing but contempt prior to investigation. Assumptions, judgments-and I had the answers for everything, so there was no need to investigate what I already knew. All the time telling myself how "open minded" liberal, and non judgmental I was.
I had nothing but for contempt for AA. I saw it as a revolving door that my cousins would come in and out of in between prison stints. Not to mention I was way to good for AA-after all, I hadn't been in prison, no DUI's, I wasn't homeless...I had a job, etc...I just picked the wrong men, raised wrong, and nobody understood me ;)
I fore sure had contempt for God, big time. I remember one time I was drinking wine in the bath tub, listening to music, candles lit....balling my eyes out of course; I told God that he BETTER make this relationship with the new guy that was gonna fix me, work! That he had taken my mom, allowed me to ruin my life, and that he made me a nervous wreck who needed to drink in order to survive....so he OWED me this one!! I'm not kidding either, and I meant it! LOL
So when the guy got wind of who I really was, a full blown drunk who had a problem being faithful, he dumped me. This was just another example of how the world, men and God had it out for me. I wouldn't allow myself to see at the time, that I, not God, not the guy, not the employer, not my mom, was the one making the decisions that ultimately brought me to my knees and into the rooms of AA. Oh, and mom died because she smoked her anger and resentments away...again, nothing to do with God.
SO, upon further investigation into AA, and through willingness to finally be honest; I was able to break through my contempt toward God. With that, I broke through the contempt I had for all those people who "wronged" me, and ultimately the contempt I had for myself...It was me who I was mad at all along but buried it by deflecting, blaming, drinking and distracting.
AA is not the softer and easier way. Sorry. It's simple-yes, but not easy. In no way did I want to look at my thinking, reactions or drinking as the core problem. BUT, desperation and willingness finally broke me into surrender....Thank you Jesus!
Investigating myself through the Steps this last go round, relieved that I am not that sick, and I am not that special, as my sponsor lovingly put it. I had been battling a little thing called terminal uniqueness. I needed ala-non too. But if I don't continue to look at myself then that stubborn, close minded, stiff necked, self deprecating but also know-it-all, masochistic, could return; and no body wants that.
Not only that, but I don't not want to live in everlasting ignorance that blocks me from God. Unwillingness to let go of my conceptions and perceptions that I carried with me into adulthood formed by a maladjusted child, kept me stuck and blocked from my new conception of God; who happens to be the same God of my youth, but this time with a new pair of glasses.
I have asked and allowed God to lead me to truth in him through the willingness to be wrong. I must symbolically die to self daily (ego deflation) in order to live joyful. They alternative to that I can't even stomach. I never want to go back to the women I was who couldn't see all the she had been blessed with just because she sought a softer and easier conception aka-way out.
Bottom line: I have a thinking problem that lead me to drink-period. I must undergo a complete physic change in order to recover from alcoholism. That starts by becoming willing to change my mind and become teachable. There are so many wonderful speakers in AA available online via podcast; I just got listening to one that a wonderful sponsee sent me that help me to learn and grow....I highly suggest using all the information and tools that are available out there and feel free to email me if you want a list of links. I am able to ingest good stuff in my head when ever I want....that helps with the noise, especially in the beginning of sobriety.