My name is Hilarie and I am a Recovered alcoholic....Thank you Sue for shinning the light on Step 2. "We the Agnostics" is Step 2. Since they devoted an entire chapter to it so it must be pretty important! It is one of the 3 foundation Steps. Without these first three Steps solidly set in place my new spiritual house will not stand. I think this is why the first 63 (including doctors opinion would be 72) pages of our program are Step 1,2 and 3.No where does it say that you have to find a religion or identify who or what God is. This is great news because the God who got me sober is not the same God I now have a relationship with. The God of my understanding at the time was a conception, of who I thought God to be formed as child. My perception at the time I got sober was not what my perception is now.
The big book it says on page 44:"Some of us have been violently anti-religious. To others, the word "God" brought up a particular idea of Him with which someone had tried to impress them during childhood. Perhaps we rejected this particular conception because it seemed inadequate. With that rejection we imagined we had abandoned the God idea entirely.So I either stick to the same concept of God that I grew up with or reject God entirely....this kinda explains why God wasn't working in my life when I was drinking. My conception of God was that he really was too busy for me, didn't care about me all that much, and that I wasn't worthy to have direct contact with Him. So by holding that concept "I" rejected God. I was too busy for Him...I didn't care about Him all that much-just prayed when I was in trouble. Never did I seek a relationship with Him because everything and everyone else was my Higher Power-Including alcohol.
AA taught me to open my heart and to be willing to let go of conceptions and perceptions that were formed back then so that I could establish a new concept of God. Could be the same God I grew up with, just coming from a different perception of Him.If AA had said "You have to worship____" in order to proceed, I actually probably would have because I was truly desperate. But, they don't require that and never will. My higher powers before I got sober included men, jobs, vodka, strangers, family members, facebook, cell phone and your perceptions of me to get me through life, so I would have had no problem trying their concept God since all my highers powers had failed me.
They knew that alcoholics were stubborn and had huge egos....that when asked to consider that there is a God, that some would use this Step as an excuse to get hung up-all of a sudden a bunch of drunks have "trust issues" when it comes to God but again, had no problem putting their trust and faith into those others things I mentioned above.What they did instead of defining God was to give their experience with God. Based upon their experience with God I could come to believe that a power other than myself, and those other things and people I used, could restore me to sanity. That's all I had to come to believe in.
Step 2 basically says to me-"I came to believe that Hilarie and the world around her is not God and don't work." When I am left to my own devices I am insane and can't restore/fix myself. I can't use the same mind that keeps me running back to booze as the solution to now make me well. Based upon the experience of my sponsor, and the testimonies of other recovered alcoholics, that God could do for me what He did for them. That's it. Step 2.My ego is what wants to over complicate the hell out of this Step (and all the Steps) because it knows it that it is about to be replaced. That if God is in charge, the part of me that keeps me sick weaken and looses it's stronghold. I've explained Step 2 it in the past like this when the newcomers ego is struggling:Say you recommend to me a hairdresser, I have just moved here and need one. Since I like how your hair looks I come to believe you that she will do for my hair what she did for your hair. I don't know her yet, but based upon the evidence of your hair and dealings with her, I believe that I will get good results! I go, get my hair done by your stylist and I end up loving my hair. Now my belief has turned to Faith.We let God prove himself to us! He will, I just needed to believe that based on someone else's experience.The restored to sanity part of this Step simply means that I am not whole in mind. My mind had a mental blank spot when it came to alcohol. History proved I wasn't a normal drinker. Being "insane"-Not of whole mind, doesn't mean that I am in a padded room...It means that if I know something is wrong, not healthy, making me sick, hurting others, will eventually kill me...and I keep going back, then I am not whole in mind.
I have been restored to sanity because there is not one part of me that romances the drink because I KNOW I can be taking out by just one sip....Just as I KNOW that putting a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger will kill me, so will alcohol. Hence, I do NOT seek alcohol for peace and and ease. I am restored to sanity because I was willing to believe.AA is inclusive, never exclusive….that includes all egos, all conceptions of God, all perceptions of the world, all our garbage and fixed ideas are welcome...BUT, we keep those to ourselves or discuss them in private with our sponsor. If I am holding onto a current conception or judgment based upon an bad experience I had in a AA meeting, a church or wherever, then I have a resentment.Resentments will kill me. I don't get to have that luxury of them anymore. If I then bring that resentment into the rooms of AA and start shooting down certain religions or belief system based upon my past experience with it, not only am I breaking traditions, but I am holding on to a resentment which blocks me from having a new experience. Just because I have judgments about certain ideas, doesn't mean I need to shoot them down or potentially blocking them from God because of my resentment.Not all AA meetings are awesome...Not all church services are great...Not all people are perfect...So I am grateful that AA taught me how to let go of conceptions based upon a perception caused by a resentment or old ideas. If I don't continue to peel back the layers and seek truth then I will isolate and marinate in my fixed ideas-alone and angry....but right dammit!! LOL
When I seek truth as lead by God, then I can attend crappy AA meetings and find some truth hidden there. Truth is in everything, I just need to keep current with God and seek His truth, not mine, everyday. I ask and He shows me depending on my perception and what I can handle at the time.I can accept that a building and the people in it are NOT the program of AA-The big book is. That I can accept that the building and the people in a church service and what ever rituals they have, are not God-That if I want truth about God, I ask God. Or truth about AA I can go to Big Book.
I don't have to go by past experience or use someones negative past experiences block me from God. I don't have to convince a newcomer of God, sell my God, or publicly shame people for their current perception of God...My God, all powerful, who I proudly call Jesus Christ, proves himself....All that's asked of me is that I suit up, show up and carry the message of AA in AA. Where that leads them is between them and God.