When I have been in selfish, self pity, wanting to do what I want to do instead of doing what God got me sober to do, I think about this scripture:
"So when they had dined, Jesus saith to Simon Peter, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me more than these? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my lambs.
He saith to him again the second time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my sheep.
He saith unto him the third time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? Peter was grieved because he said unto him the third time, Lovest thou me? And he said unto him, Lord, thou knowest all things; thou knowest that I love thee. Jesus saith unto him, Feed my sheep.
Verily, verily, I say unto thee, When thou wast young, thou girdest thyself, and walkedst whither thou wouldest: but when thou shalt be old, thou shalt stretch forth thy hands, and another shall gird thee, and carry thee whither thou wouldest not."
John 21:15-18 King James Version
Here it is in the English Standered Version:
When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Feed my lambs.”
He said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Tend my sheep.”
He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?” and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep.
Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go.”
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We recovered alcoholics must continue to feed to get fed. We get fed when we stretch forth our hand to the next suffering women in our 12th Step. I don't always LOVE sponsoring, putting myself out there in situations that are uncomfortable, speaking at a meeting, sharing in a public setting my Testimony/ESH, or hearing all the horrific things that people have gone through, etc....
But I do it. Every time I do, I get fed. Every time I suit up and show up for another human being and step outside myself, and my comfort zone by being of service I get filled. I get to be sober. I get to sponsor. I get to go to meetings. I get to make coffee. I get to meet with my sponsor. I get to stay current in my sobriety through continued growth and study...I get a real LIFE! Not the existing only to drink and hoping that "someone" fixes me....and I get to never ever have to worry about what I did or said the night before -wakening up hung and hopeless doesn't exist in my world anymore!
However, I still do have defects. Like yesterday I was driving up toward my "secret place" in the mountains so that the dogs and I can be free....and on the way my head started with the shit it starts saying like "Ugh, why can't I just stay all day up here?" Why do I have to go with Brian to Redding?" "We always have to go in his time or not at all" "I can't ever make plans because of his stupid schedule" blah, blah, blah, blah....
Thank GOD, my sponsor and AA for giving me the tools to:
- 1st-recognize that what is going on is a selfish pity party (before I would have not known and justified it)
- 2nd-Do a gratitude list in my head, written or out loud (did mine in car out loud and ended up in so much gratitude that I was moved to tears)
My perception can now go from a whining pity party to all encompassing gratitude in a little under five minutes. Seriously, if I didn't have the tools and Jesus, I would probably not be speaking to Brian right now because of what my mind deemed unjust.
Our mind is the enemy that wants us dead but will settle for us drunk, miserable and making others miserable. My mind has the power to not only destroy me, but others if I allow it. All action starts in thought. Who is feeding me bad thoughts about Brian and trying to convince me that I have the right to engage in this pity party?? Is it God?!? Never. God does NOT feed us those thoughts. Those thoughts were triggered by a defect that I have that still hangs on called Never Satisfied...LOL!
It doesn't have the strength it once had, not at all...but it will creep in now and again. No big deal because now I know what it is, why, and where it's coming from. Before, like I said, it would have angered me to the point that I would have called him and started a fight, or ignored him when I got home. I would have expect him to read my mind and apologize for something that wasn't even truth. Just because my mind tell me that it's truth, doesn't mean it is. How many fights, have started this way?
We are the protagonists, the "stars" in our life drama, "directed" by our thinking mind, "produced" by the defects and funded by satan himself....I guess satan would be the movie studio! Unconsciously going about life this way for years-unconscious.
When I let God run the show I have less to no drama....and when I do experience drama I have tools to process it before it gets worse or tools to clean it up if I went into self will mode.
And if during the day I feel that something is "off" with me, I take inventory and can usually pinpoint where it's coming from. If I can't, I pray, ask my sponsor or someone who can. OR, I might just be having a bad day!! Which is normal....but, I didn't like those before so I would drink instead of feeling a little uncomfortable or unhappy.
But, if I really want to feel better, I find someone to help. It works when all else fails! AA gives us the purpose we really "craved".....Directed by God himself!
Before the temporary feelings and emotions ruled me. I would drink or act out because I was triggered by a unresolved/unprocessed event or defect. This would have taken YEARS from me before and destroyed relationships...NOW, it takes about an hour to pinpoint the cause, take corrective measures and be done with it...WOW, right!?!
And this isn't some kind of secret or anything that I do that make me special....WE have ALL been given this simple set of tools....But its a choice as to whether or not we use them.
There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet. We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed.
The great fact is just this, and nothing less: That we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and toward God's universe. The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves.
If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help. Pg 23 BB
Love you all!
Hil
Recommended Listening
Peter M. Fall Step Series 12 Steps / 12 weeks
Recommended Blog
The Privileged Addict
Why Service Works
So below in italics is an older post, but it is sort of a follow-up to the previous one about addiction and the victim model. More specifically, if addicts are viewed (i.e. excused) as victims, then treatment becomes so watered-down as to be non-existent. There is a reason why nothing worldly has ever healed or changed an addict. There is also a financial reason not to help addicts. If we pump methadone, suboxone and tenderloin after a massage in the hot tub at the cushy tx center, I can all but guarantee your addict will be relapsing within a few months, if that. Wash, rinse, repeat. "Relapse is part of recovery" is part of the warped creed that turns the wheels of big business recovery.
One of the saddest things to me and one of the primary reasons why I do what I do, is because the teeth have been ripped out of recovery with reckless abandon - the spiritual and moral teeth, that is - and without the teeth, there is no recovering wholly, in body, mind and spirit. The hope, however, is there exists something so simple and free, and it will literally change the fundamental make-up of any addict or alcoholic in the world, regardless of how sick or deranged they may be.
Service the food by which we live and sustain our spiritual health. It is the one of the greatest gifts God has given us because all we need is the willingness to serve and we will be not only showered with opportunities but we will be lifted up beyond words. Nothing so effectively and comprehensively cleans the mind and heart of an addict as service. It is the breath we survive on, and if we make it our sober mission to serve God by serving others, drugs and alcohol will never be a problem again. We will see them as a poison, an evil that destroys our ability to give and to love and to get closer to God. Our inner experience can either grow or shrink, and whens it grows and we feel it growing, there is nothing in this world that compares.
So this is why service works...
1) Because when we go to help another addict, or anyone for that matter, we are bringing God into the room, as well as into ourselves and perhaps the other person. When we do anything that expands the presence of God within, it heals us, calms us and makes us sane.
2) Because when we are selflessly engaging with someone, or say, speaking to a group of addicts or especially parents or spouses, we are NOT thinking about ourselves. It sort of blocks us from selfish thought and self-preoccupation, which is precisely what makes and keeps us spiritually ill. Not only that, but we just feel like shit when we are totally self-absorbed. However, when we are present with someone in an effort to help them, our minds are empty. Sure we may be using our brains to express ideas or anecdotes etc, but this is a healthy form of thought, one of the few that exist. Most of the time thinking just causes us suffering, at least it does for addicts.
An empty mind is the key to freedom and inner peace, but as we begin thinking too much, mental clutter begets more clutter, and then suddenly we've become a hoarder with all sorts of toxic, self-created problems. The emptier a mind, the fewer the problems. I used to work in a kitchen, cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner for 200 senior residents for eight hours straight. I was so busy that the right hours went by and rarely did a single thought enter my head about anything other than what I was doing in the moment, like burning my face off when I opened the steamer. Pure freedom. I loved that job. If our minds are empty or other-centered, it really doesn't matter what we are doing.
3) Because it repairs our soul. Working with others heals us spiritually, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and perhaps even physically. Why? How? For one, you are helping others to change, which changes the world. Since we are all inter-connected and made of energy, when someone is altered, the world is altered. In fact, the entire universe is altered, and this shift in the energy of the person you are working with will also have an effect on you. That's not fluff, that's science.
4) Because it helps us to grow and become stronger, thereby adding to our reservoir of relief and sanity, as the act of helping someone or speaking publicly requires us have courage and to step outside of ourselves.
5) Because it lifts us up inside, which is perfect for drug addicts and alcoholics who always need to feel good.
6) Because it sets in motion the law of cause and effect, so any selfless action all but guarantees a positive and rewarding return.
7) Because it is the antithesis of being a selfish drug addict.
So that was the old post from August of 2014. I mean, really, why be self-absorbed losers, clinging to our fragile comfort zones? How will that sustain us, let alone others? Why be a taker and not a maker? Why be useless as opposed to useful? Addicts who become recovered and lit up with God are some of the most productive, amazing people in the world. Conversely, those who simply hold on for dear life in a constant fit of insanity and self-absorption, do nothing for themselves or anybody else. The world needs people to step up and teach, show and guide others who cannot, will not, or simply refuse to teach, show and guide themselves.
Listen to your gut, does it feel right? If not, repel it. If it does, get up immediately and go do it. And to all of you parents and spouses out there, if the addict has not had this fundamental change, you will know, because when they do, you will feel it. You will just know that they are okay. You will look in there eyes and see a glow.
Also, do yourself a favor and remember that you cannot trust anything that comes out of the mouth of both an active addict or a sober yet untreated one. Both are completely insane and subject to do any number of fucked up, harmful things at will.
And finally, there are ALWAYS people to help. Just say this prayer to yourself quietly, "God, please bring me the opportunity to help others," and they will come out of the woodwork.