How I Break down the Serenity Prayer:
God, (Jesus)
Grant me the Serenity (peace, stillness, calm, trust, faith)
To Accept (accepting it, not forcefully pushing back or blocking)
The Things I Cannot Change (others, the world, the past)
The Courage (Strength, Fearlessness-praying to have courage if I don't, to face and to walk though it)
To Change the Things I can (me, my attitude, my perception, my willingness-praying for willingness if I don't have it)
And the Wisdom to know the Difference (discernment between playing God by trying to change the things I can't or accepting what ever it is or who they are, and having faith that God knows what he is doing and doesn't need my input or interference)
As sponsors we do not try to "fix" or control-We teach what was given to us by what we learn in AA, from our sponsors, from our fellows. We get Wisdom from the Holy Spirit that we blocked out during our active disease (sober or not) we can still block ourselves from receiving God.
We teach from knowledge based upon our experiences-not with idol words. We know that our wisdom, is but God given. We are not saviors. We cannot change or fix ourselves, let alone sponsees or loved one or co-workers, etc...
I know that to change is not to "fix" or control...change is to allow God to do for me what I cannot do for myself. I KNOW that Hilarie wouldn't take the time nor care enough about anyone but herself to do the things I do now. I am inherently selfish, self seeking, afraid of what everyone will think of me, and dishonest about my motives regarding acts of kindness-God, is who changed me-I have NOTHING to do with it except bringing myself to a point of desperation to become teachable...essentially, I tried to destroy myself.
God in his infinite love, grace and mercy pulled me out of the hell I created for myself and others to put me on a path of righteousness to GLORIFY HIM, not me.
We do get better lives, peace and joy as a result of allowing God in, but most importantly we are given purpose though our new connection with Jesus. The connection and purpose was the missing link. That's why I never felt full, whole or complete. That's way my tummy hurt all day everyday. That's why my clothes felt weird and I always felt like I wanted to cry, hit kick and scream...that's why I couldn't bring myself to be of real service toward mankind....I was dying of selfishness, fear, resentment and angry-while feeling deep pain for the world and for people...I just couldn't do anything productive with it but to just "feel" it and drink and wallow over it.
God doesn't hang out in selfishness, fear, resentment or anger-the enemy does. The more I piled onto/into the gaping wound inside-food, drink, sex, drama, judgment...the more I distracted myself with TV, Facebook, online games, drama, work, yard work, house work....the deeper this wound gets. The muddier I got, the darker I became. I worked for the enemy, in bondage to self and hopelessness, digging myself deeper in and blocking God way out. This can happen in sobriety too. That's way we most remain teachable and watch out for complacency....link to dry drunk symptoms https://recoveredalcoholicinjesus.blogspot.com/p/dry-drunk-syndrome-aka-untreated.html
I was reading in the Big Book this morning and the word fatal, infinitely grave, and die was in one paragraph on page 66...they aren't kidding about this. And now I know that they are talking not just about our physical bodies, but our souls. I was spiritually bankrupt. My soul was dying. The body will die-that's a given....but if my soul dies because of selfishness, resentment, anger, fear and resentment...and because of what I infected others with because of my defects...that's serious. I mean the soul people....we are talking about souls-death of souls because we "want" something here..wanting "my way"?? Wanting Hilarie's desired outcome? We want to fill myself with the same thing that keeps infecting me and others....WOW....Cunning, Baffeling and Powerful!
This book held the key for me. It's a huge arch...but a narrow path.
"But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived.
(fighting against Gods will always makes everything worse. The instant gratification I got would never sustain me. The enemy knows that we will always "want" more)
It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.
(slow and painful alcoholic death-not cute anymore....especially since my soul was dying to)
If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.
(Yeah, I don't have the luxury of anger-It's like my whole body reacts abnormally to it, like I am allergic to it. I get drained and sick. Hangover without drinking-but, I am also not good if I suppress this crap either. It has to "come out" the good news is that AA gives us tools for that! Suppression, avoidance, over working out doesn't work either ladies!! We have sponsors and tools to not revert back to our maladjusted ways of handling things. Also for those who over indulge. That's gluttony and sloth. I had a freaking food hungover and justified stuffing my face because of pms....I already know what I was avoiding and the feelings behind it...yay!)
We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol."
(Nope, can't wish anything away. We can pray for obsessions to be removed but that too must be backed up by action. God has heard all this before....he wan'ts us to be accountable, faithful and trusting in him...not those things we put before him!! My perception had to change from "woe is me" to Get up and do the night right thing. If I can't-which I can't, I pray for willingness, strength, courage, wisdom to take up my bed and walk upright-no more playing the victim-As a child of God I no longer have that option)
Page 66 of BB
For those Who want to continue to grow in God and sobriety here is Step One work...
Approaching the work with the mind and spirit of a newcomer...Always subtraction-never addition!
Will put Step two on next Post...
Plan of Action for Week:
- Go to at least two face to face AA Meetings-Go early to help set up chairs or if you can help in anyway
- Read all online meeting emails
- Read, watch and listen to all materials
- Do/Send Gratitude list each day
- Surrender on knees each mornging asking only how you my serve Gods will that day
- At night on knees, thank God for keeping you Sober that day
- Walk, detox baths, cry....get stuff moving and flowing out of you!
- Reach out to Sponsor
Read
Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous: Forward to Pg 43
Watch
Listen (at least one per day)
Written Work
1) Am I generally restless, irritable (which means "easily annoyed") and discontented (which means "never satisfied")? (Page xxviii) YES____ NO____.
Do you experience these feelings often? YES____ NO____.
Do you feel like you never belong or that you are not a part of, even in AA? YES____ NO____.
Are you usually uncomfortable in your own skin? YES____ NO____.
Do you experience an ongoing sense of sadness? YES____ NO____.
Do you often feel like "something is missing"? YES____ NO____.
Do you experience these feelings often? YES____ NO____.
Do you feel like you never belong or that you are not a part of, even in AA? YES____ NO____.
Are you usually uncomfortable in your own skin? YES____ NO____.
Do you experience an ongoing sense of sadness? YES____ NO____.
Do you often feel like "something is missing"? YES____ NO____.
2) Am I having trouble with personal relationships? (Page 52) Do you take care of others too much, to the point where you neglect to do the things you need to do to take care of yourself? YES____ NO____.
List names of those close to you (family, friends, co-workers) and evaluate how you are getting along with these people. Also include your relationship with yourself and your Higher Power. Include a few examples of how you treat perfect strangers or those who can't do anything for you. What seems to be the problems that you are having with those around you?
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
List names of those close to you (family, friends, co-workers) and evaluate how you are getting along with these people. Also include your relationship with yourself and your Higher Power. Include a few examples of how you treat perfect strangers or those who can't do anything for you. What seems to be the problems that you are having with those around you?
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
3) Am I having trouble controlling my emotional nature? (Page 52) Are most of your days best described as emotionally up and down? YES____ NO____.
Consider how you manage your emotions. Are you in control of your negative emotions or are they in control of you? IN CONTROL____ NOT IN CONTROL____.
When you lash out in anger, do you feel like you have no other choice or that it's "their fault"? YES____ NO____.
Look at some of your more frequent negative emotions (like jealousy, impatience, lust, fear, guilt, frustration, greed, anger, shame, etc.) and analyze them individually in the following way: When you feel this way, what do you say and do? Are you able to find ways to quickly work through them without harming yourself or others, or do you become unapproachable for hours or days at a time? Are you quick to criticize with a biting or sarcastic tongue? Do you beat yourself up for feeling this way? ______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
Consider how you manage your emotions. Are you in control of your negative emotions or are they in control of you? IN CONTROL____ NOT IN CONTROL____.
When you lash out in anger, do you feel like you have no other choice or that it's "their fault"? YES____ NO____.
Look at some of your more frequent negative emotions (like jealousy, impatience, lust, fear, guilt, frustration, greed, anger, shame, etc.) and analyze them individually in the following way: When you feel this way, what do you say and do? Are you able to find ways to quickly work through them without harming yourself or others, or do you become unapproachable for hours or days at a time? Are you quick to criticize with a biting or sarcastic tongue? Do you beat yourself up for feeling this way? ______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
4) Am I prey to misery and depression? (Page 52) How often in the average month are you miserable or depressed? ____ TIMES.
How long does it last and what do you do to get rid of it?
______________________________
______________________________
How does life and other people's behavior cause you misery and depression? What was going on the last few times you were miserable or depressed?
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
Are any of these recurring? ______________________________
When you are miserable or depressed, do you avoid people, sleep all day, think about hurting yourself or others, or seek escape through alcohol/drugs/food/etc. or extended periods in front of the TV or computer? YES____ NO____.
How long does it last and what do you do to get rid of it?
______________________________
______________________________
How does life and other people's behavior cause you misery and depression? What was going on the last few times you were miserable or depressed?
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
Are any of these recurring? ______________________________
When you are miserable or depressed, do you avoid people, sleep all day, think about hurting yourself or others, or seek escape through alcohol/drugs/food/etc. or extended periods in front of the TV or computer? YES____ NO____.
5) Am I having trouble making a living? (Page 52) What areas of your life are not in balance? Included here are: finances / savings / spending / credit cards /loans, your marriage / parenting / friendship / work life, education, physical / emotional / mental /spiritual health, do you set aside time for fun / for being / be alone, are you overweight, do you drink too much coffee or smoke too much, are you having problems getting or keeping a job, have you had a routine medical check-up recently, etc.
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
6) Do I feel useless? (Page 52) Do you often wonder why you are even alive?" YES____ NO____.
Do you often feel inconvenienced or taken advantage of by others? YES____ NO____.
Do you have difficulty finding interests or "fitting in"? YES____ NO____.
Do you feel like there is no meaning to your life or that you have nothing to contribute to life? YES____ NO____.
Explain any "YES" here:
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
Do you often feel inconvenienced or taken advantage of by others? YES____ NO____.
Do you have difficulty finding interests or "fitting in"? YES____ NO____.
Do you feel like there is no meaning to your life or that you have nothing to contribute to life? YES____ NO____.
Explain any "YES" here:
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
7) Is fear a big part of my life? (Page 52) How much of the average week are you experiencing fear? ____ %.
What do you say or do when you are fearful? ______________________________
What does fear prevent you from doing?
______________________________
How do you get rid of fear? ______________________________
List some of your more common fears. Ask yourself why you have them and if they are real or imagined? ______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
What do you say or do when you are fearful? ______________________________
What does fear prevent you from doing?
______________________________
How do you get rid of fear? ______________________________
List some of your more common fears. Ask yourself why you have them and if they are real or imagined? ______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
______________________________
8) Am I often unhappy? (Page 52) How much of the average week are you unhappy? ____ %.
What do you say or do when you are unhappy?
______________________________
How do you get rid of unhappiness? ______________________________
Can you usually be described as positive and upbeat? YES____ NO____.
When asked about how you are doing, you say that you are doing well. Even though you say that, do you often know deep down within that this is not the truth? YES____ NO____.
What areas or past events in your life bring about recurring unhappiness? ______________________________
______________________________
What do you say or do when you are unhappy?
______________________________
How do you get rid of unhappiness? ______________________________
Can you usually be described as positive and upbeat? YES____ NO____.
When asked about how you are doing, you say that you are doing well. Even though you say that, do you often know deep down within that this is not the truth? YES____ NO____.
What areas or past events in your life bring about recurring unhappiness? ______________________________
______________________________
9) Am I of real help to other people? (Page 52) When was the last time you did something kind for someone? ______.
Do you ever do random acts of kindness? YES____ NO____.
Do you think that you have nothing to offer the world? YES____ NO____.
Every week, do you reach out to someone in need or in pain (in AA and outside of AA) and expected nothing in return? YES____ NO____.
Are you successful when you try to help others? YES____ NO____.
Do you think that it is important to grow in ways that would make you become more helpful to others? YES____ NO____.
Do you ever do random acts of kindness? YES____ NO____.
Do you think that you have nothing to offer the world? YES____ NO____.
Every week, do you reach out to someone in need or in pain (in AA and outside of AA) and expected nothing in return? YES____ NO____.
Are you successful when you try to help others? YES____ NO____.
Do you think that it is important to grow in ways that would make you become more helpful to others? YES____ NO____.
10) Do I think I know what's best for everyone? Are you often like the actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in your own way? Do you believe that everybody, including yourself, would be pleased and that life would be wonderful if only they would do as you say? Can you sometimes be quite virtuous, kind, considerate, patient, generous, even modest and self-sacrificing; yet at other times be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest (depending on which will work in getting YOUR way)? Are you often a victim of the delusion that you can wrest (which means "to take away by force") satisfaction and happiness out of this world if you only manipulate well? (Page 60-61) YES____ NO____.
Do you spend a lot of time getting frustrated when others don't behave the way you think they should? YES____ NO____.
Is there anyone that you refuse to forgive? YES____ NO____.
Do you spend a lot of time getting frustrated when others don't behave the way you think they should? YES____ NO____.
Is there anyone that you refuse to forgive? YES____ NO____.
11) Am I driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity? (Page 62) Do you often wonder why you do what you KNOW you shouldn't be doing and don't do what you KNOW you should be doing? YES____ NO____.
Do you have trouble showing up on time? YES____ NO____.
What is the general condition of your inner dialogue/self-talk/self-critic
Although you may not be currently drinking or drugging, do you have other "addictions" (other areas in your life that are out of balance or out of control)? YES____ NO____.
If so, give examples.
______________________________
______________________________
Do you have trouble showing up on time? YES____ NO____.
What is the general condition of your inner dialogue/self-talk/self-critic
Although you may not be currently drinking or drugging, do you have other "addictions" (other areas in your life that are out of balance or out of control)? YES____ NO____.
If so, give examples.
______________________________
______________________________
12) Am I an extreme example of self-will run riot, though I usually don't think so? (Page 62) Do friends and relatives sometimes say that you are selfish even though you don't agree? YES____ NO____.
Do you end relationships only because the other person doesn't act the way you think they should? YES____ NO____.
Are you a "team player"? YES____ NO____.
Do you spend most of the time thinking of yourself instead of thinking of what you can do for others? YES____ NO____.
Is your motto "what's in it for me"? YES____ NO____.
Do you exhibit signs of or participate in "road rage"? YES____ NO____.
Would other drivers describe you as considerate? YES____ NO____.
Do you spend most of the time thinking of yourself instead of thinking of what you can do for others? YES____ NO____.
Is your motto "what's in it for me"? YES____ NO____.
Do you exhibit signs of or participate in "road rage"? YES____ NO____.
Would other drivers describe you as considerate? YES____ NO____.
13) Am I leading a double life? Are you very much the actor, presenting to the outer world your stage character, which is the one you like your fellows to see? Do you want to enjoy a certain reputation, but know in your heart that you don't deserve it? YES____ NO____.
Are you under constant fear and tension because of this, worrying that you may be "found out"? (Page 73) YES____ NO____.
Are you lying to or keeping something from your sponsor/spiritual advisor/recovery network? YES____ NO____.
Do you usually do what you say and say what you do? YES____ NO____.
Are you involved in relationships (romantic or illegal) that you shouldn't be? YES____ NO____.
Are you under constant fear and tension because of this, worrying that you may be "found out"? (Page 73) YES____ NO____.
Are you lying to or keeping something from your sponsor/spiritual advisor/recovery network? YES____ NO____.
Do you usually do what you say and say what you do? YES____ NO____.
Are you involved in relationships (romantic or illegal) that you shouldn't be? YES____ NO____.
14) Am I like a tornado roaring through the lives of others? Do you have a habit of breaking hearts, sabotaging sweet relationships, and uprooting affections? (Page 82) YES____ NO____.
Have you avoided making amends to your family and those closest to you? YES____ NO____.
Do you have difficulty keeping friendships for more than a few months? YES____ NO____.
Do you have a habit of pushing people away? YES____ NO____.
Are you pursuing newcomers for something selfish instead of only helping them in their recovery and spiritual growth? YES____ NO____.
Do co-workers, family, and fellow AA's find you unapproachable? YES____ NO____.
Have you avoided making amends to your family and those closest to you? YES____ NO____.
Do you have difficulty keeping friendships for more than a few months? YES____ NO____.
Do you have a habit of pushing people away? YES____ NO____.
Are you pursuing newcomers for something selfish instead of only helping them in their recovery and spiritual growth? YES____ NO____.
Do co-workers, family, and fellow AA's find you unapproachable? YES____ NO____.
15) Are my selfish and inconsiderate habits keeping my home in turmoil? (Page 82) Are you more interested in your own needs and wants than you are with the needs and wants of your family? YES____ NO____.
Have you made amends to your family but continue the behavior you originally made amends for? YES____ NO____.
Do you sometimes hide away at meetings to avoid responsibilities at home? YES____ NO____.
Do you spend "quality time" with your spouse/family on a regular basis? YES____ NO____.
Would your spouse/family agree with your previous answer? YES____ NO____.
Has anyone in your household recently said to you, "The only person you ever think of is yourself."? YES____ NO____.
Have you made amends to your family but continue the behavior you originally made amends for? YES____ NO____.
Do you sometimes hide away at meetings to avoid responsibilities at home? YES____ NO____.
Do you spend "quality time" with your spouse/family on a regular basis? YES____ NO____.
Would your spouse/family agree with your previous answer? YES____ NO____.
Has anyone in your household recently said to you, "The only person you ever think of is yourself."? YES____ NO____.
After evaluating these areas, can you now admit that even though you may not be currently drinking, your life (especially you inner life) is unmanageable? YES____ NO____
Are you willing to go to ANY lengths to get/stay sober? To remain spiritually fit and grow? Yes or No