Moral Inventory
We want to find out exactly how, when and where our natural desires have warped us. We wish to look squarely at the unhappiness this has caused others and ourselves. By discovering what our emotional deformities are, we can move towards their correction. Without a willing and persistent effort to do this, there can be little sobriety or contentment for us. Without a searching and fearless moral inventory, most of us have found that the faith which really works in daily living is out of reach.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 43
What is a Moral Inventory?
The Big Book explains that we must make a list that includes all our resentments we have and have ever had, an account of sexual conduct and our fears. Then we must look at why we have those feelings. We found that the most important reason is not as we previously thought, what happened to us, but our reaction to what happened. This is not to deny that sometimes very bad things do happen to us. But the point is that usually we cannot control what happens to us. However we can do something about our reaction to events. Always, we discovered, when we feel bad about something, it is because we have reacted with self-centered thoughts. Self-centeredness has the opposite effect to love or compassion, which always caused us to feel good. This is why we are taking a moral inventory of ourselves: we are considering the exact nature of our self-centered reaction to the events that have happened to us.
We can transform painful memories by finding purpose in them from the soul’s perspective of love, compassion and meaning. All experiences have the purpose of serving the soul. An experience in the past blocked us because our fear at the time distorted our perception of what happened. To transform this limiting experience, we must bring what was then unconscious into the soul’s realm through consciousness. Bringing everything into the light so that "it" can't hide in the darkness.
We can do this by following the 12 Steps
- ADMITTING, Willingness and Surrender (In Steps 1,2 and 3)
- RECALL the past experience that might inhibit us. (In Step 4)
- OWN the experience (no judgment, blame, etc.) (In Step 5)
- Name the Defects that enslaved you i.e Fear, Self pity, Self Seeking and practice doing the opposite. Courage, Selflessness, Seeking Gods Will (In Steps 6 & 7)
- TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for it and the consequences (i.e., the experience was determined by my subjective perception of what occurred, dictated by my lack of wholeness -- specifically my fears). (In Steps 8 & 9)
- GIVE IT MEANING the soul was attempting to gain some kind of skill, but we didn’t know that at the time. In daily inventory, prayer and mediation, we can harness our God given skill, overcome our emotional reaction, and defeat our defects by further growth. (In steps 10 & 11)
- FIND PURPOSE from the perspective of the Soul. (All the pain gave us purpose to carry out in Step 12)
Emotional Balance in Sobriety
The state of one’s emotions determine what kind of experience we are having. It is us that determines the quality of our relationships and the quality of our life by the emotions we are feeling. Our emotions and their lower drives are extremely powerful forces in our lives. Our unresolved emotional conflicts and their fears will keep us from doing the things we love and sabotage our spiritual growth. Our spiritual growth is directly related to our emotional balance. One must resolve emotional conflicts, wounds, inner fears and pain in order to grow the self-awareness required to become conscious to participate with the spiritual bodies. The Soul is the true emotional body, to recover we must heal and grow.
The Addiction to Drama
Studies reported by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk (considered the granddaddy of trauma research) show that the body can adjust to its environment so that once-uncomfortable and dramatic situations become thrilling and pleasurable. He writes:
This gradual adjustment signals a new chemical balance has been established within the body. . . . Just as with drug and alcohol addiction, we start to crave the activity and experience withdrawal when it’s not available. In the long run people become more preoccupied with the pain of withdrawal than the activity itself. (van der Kolk 2014)
Gambling similarly becomes addictive because the brain’s feel-good hormone dopamine is activated in uncertain situations. With gambling, you never know when pulling the handle of the slot machine will yield money and excitement. So you keep pulling that slot-machine arm. Drama addiction is identical to gambling addiction in that dopamine is released in response to the anticipation of a possible reward. When there’s a perception of danger, stress hormones create a pleasant buzz, too.
Step 10 "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."
This is by far my favorite step because it allows me to purge each day. If I am taking constructive daily review in written inventory, when I do my annual reworking of the Steps with a sponsor then my 4th, 5th, 6th and 9th steps are not as overwhelming and traumatic (lol) because of the daily maintenance of Step 10.
Steps 4-9 are to "prepare us" for daily living, the AA way of life, "One Day at a Time." The obsession to drink and the insanity has been removed. In Step 10, we are returned to sanity. In Steps 10-12 we maintain the new order of things -- and we grow in understanding and effectiveness.
When I start to "cut back" on daily inventory the reconstruction of ego commences. I will start to Minimize, Justify and Rationalize the white lie, the road rage, the obsessive thoughts, the keeping that text secret, the judging her, the blaming him, any and all actions that cut me off from God's light. If I am cut off from that light I start worshiping myself again. My soul will get hungry so I will drain your light, my boyfriends light, anyone's light because I am not getting fed. No light, no purpose...And so it begins. I can not get fed on yesterday's inventory, prayer or meditation. You eat food everyday, you don't just eat once and ride on that for days, weeks, years...Same applies.
Inventory allows me to see where I fell short.
- What were my motives?
- Who did I hurt?
- Why do I say that?
- Who was I rude to?
- Why did I sabotage this?
These questions, being completely HONEST with myself, putting it on paper, practicing the opposite tomorrow will ensure that I continue to grow. If I am NOT growing, I am dying...My alcoholism/ego mind wants me dead but will settle for me drunk or dry drunk and miserable. This predator, I call the ego mind, not only hates me but HATES people who love me and will hurt them too if the light is cut from my soul.
This is why I drank the way I did, as long as I did. I was living off the light I had before I started drinking or drain others of theirs. Piling on more garbage by what I was doing while I was drinking. Zero nourishment/light so my body and soul suffered because I was trying to "think" my way out using the same mind that got me this way running on animal instinct and creating chaos. My mind/ego could not be trusted as integrity is NOT a mental construct.
This is why constant vigilance is vital as to not became vampiric, sucking others dry with my complacency.
When we have a life of inventory and discipline freedom is the byproduct. Freedom is in the discipline of Step 10.
When I first started this process I didn't really understand how to carry out this Step. Do I just sit and think about my day? NO!!!! Thinking is my worst enemy! So when it was finally revealed to me what Step 10 entailed I saw it as not just journaling but more as a way opportunity take part in my sobriety by putting pen to paper. The Big Book says about Step 10:
We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Pg 84
My Step 10 has had many metamorphosis throughout my sobriety. I finally found a format that works for me. Sometimes really long depending on my behavior and or what I am working This spiritual practice, if I am diligent, keeps me grounded and growing in my primary purpose.
An example of my daily inventory:
Gratitude List
I am grateful for God removing me from alcohol
I am grateful for God giving me purpose
I am grateful for for getting and keeping me sober
I am grateful for shelter, bed, warm water
I am grateful for my legs to go for walks
I am grateful all my organs funtion
I am grateful for AA
I am grateful for my sister and Brian
I am grateful for knowing what it feels like to be grateful!
I am grateful that I can feel life and not numb or hide from it
I am grateful for...Ect
Defects
Father...Today I was:
Angry towards....
Fear of.....
Judgmental of...
Selfish about...
Etc...
Principles (Practicing the opposite of defects)
Tomorrow I will practice:
Love, Compassion and Acceptance
Courage, Surrender, Patience
Non Judgement
Selfless
Etc...
Resentments/Amends to Make
I am resentful at ....because.....It affects my Self Esteem
Where was I at fault, selfish, in fear?
I am resentful about.....Because.....It affects my Safety
Where was I at fault, selfish, in fear?
Etc....
Principles
· Acknowledging our wrongdoing
· Receiving correction and feedback graciously
· Refraining from criticizing others
· Forgiving others who have wronged us
· Apologizing to others who have been wronged by us
· Enduring unfair treatments with patience and a forgiving spirit
· Thinking and speaking about the good things of other people
· Rejoicing over other people’s success
· Counting our blessings for everything, good and bad
· Seeking opportunities to serve others
· Willing to remain anonymous in helping others
· Showing gratitude for our successes
· Giving due credit to others for our successes
· Treating success as a responsibility to do more for others
· Willing to learn from our failures
· Assuming responsibility for our failures
· Accepting our limitations and circumstances
· Treating all people with respect regardless of their social status
· Enjoying the lowly status of being an outsider and a nobody
Humility
Podcast of the Day
Emotional Sobriety Workshop - Dave F and Mark Houston https://www.recoveryaudio.org/aa-speaker-tapes/next-steps-emotional-sobriety-part-1-2
Listen to more AA Podcast:
https://iblp.org/questions/what-are-commands-christ words to live by Jesus said, “If ye love me, keep my commandments” (John 14:15). Keeping the commands of Jesus begins with recognizing what they are. Following is a collection of 49 of Jesus’ commands. As you read through them, ask God to help you observe these words, apply them, and faithfully follow them throughout your lifetime. Repent-to turn away from “From that time Jesus began to preach, and to say, Repent: for the kingdom of heaven is at hand” (Matthew 4:17). Follow Me “And he saith unto them, Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men” (Matthew 4:19). Rejoice “Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you” (Matthew 5:11–12). Let Your Light Shine “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven” (Matthew 5:16). Honor God’s Law “Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfill” (Matthew 5:17). Be Reconciled “Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee; leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift” (Matthew 5:23–25). Do Not Lust “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell” (Matthew 5:28–30). Keep Your Word “Let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil” (Matthew 5:37). Go the Second Mile “Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: but I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also. And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain. Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away” (Matthew 5:38–42). Love Your Enemies “But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; that ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? Do not even the publicans the same?” (Matthew 5:44–46). Be Perfect “If ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect” (Matthew 5:46–48). Practice Secret Disciplines “. . . When thou doest thine alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth: that thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly. . . . When thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly. . . . When thou fastest, anoint thine head, and wash thy face; that thou appear not unto men to fast, but unto thy Father which is in secret: and thy Father, which seeth in secret, shall reward thee openly” (Matthew 6:1–18). Lay Up Treasures “Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: for where your treasure is, there will your heart be also” (Matthew 6:19–21). Seek God’s Kingdom “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you” (Matthew 6:33). Judge Not “Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?” (Matthew 7:1–3). Do Not Cast Pearls “Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you” (Matthew 7:6). Ask, Seek, Knock “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: for every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened” (Matthew 7:7–8). Do Unto Others “Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets” (Matthew 7:12). Choose the Narrow Way “Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it” (Matthew 7:13–14). Beware of False Prophets “Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?” (Matthew 7:15–16). Pray for Laborers “The harvest truly is plenteous, but the laborers are few; pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest, that he will send forth laborers into his harvest” (Matthew 9:37–38). Be Wise as Serpents “Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves” (Matthew 10:16). Fear Not “Fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell” (Matthew 10:28). Hear God’s Voice “He that hath ears to hear, let him hear” (Matthew 11:15). Take My Yoke “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28–30). Honor Your Parents “For God commanded, saying, Honor thy father and mother: and, he that curseth father or mother, let him die the death” (Matthew 15:4). Beware of Leaven “Take heed and beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and of the Sadducees” (Matthew 16:6). Deny Yourself “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it. For what is a man advantaged, if he gain the whole world, and lose himself, or be cast away?” (Luke 9:23–25). Despise Not Little Ones “Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven” (Matthew 18:10). Go to Offenders “Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as a heathen man and a publican” (Matthew 18:15–17). Beware of Covetousness “And he said unto them, Take heed, and beware of covetousness: for a man’s life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth” (Luke 12:15). Forgive Offenders “Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:21–22). Honor Marriage “And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:4–6). Be a Servant “. . . Whosoever will be great among you, let him be your minister; and whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant: even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many” (Matthew 20:26–28). Be a House of Prayer “It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer . . . ” (Matthew 21:13). Ask in Faith “Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea: it shall be done. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive” (Matthew 21:21–22). Bring In the Poor “Then said he also to him that bade him, When thou makest a dinner or a supper, call not thy friends, nor thy brethren, neither thy kinsmen, nor thy rich neighbors; lest they also bid thee again, and a recompense be made thee. But when thou makest a feast, call the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind: and thou shalt be blessed; for they cannot recompense thee: for thou shalt be recompensed at the resurrection of the just” (Luke 14:12–14). Render to Caesar “Show me the tribute money. And they brought unto him a penny. And he saith unto them, Whose is this image and superscription? They say unto him, Caesar’s. Then saith he unto them, Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s; and unto God the things that are God’s” (Matthew 22:19–21). Love the Lord “Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment” (Matthew 22:37–38). Love Your Neighbor “And the second [commandment] is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets” (Matthew 22:39–40). Await My Return “Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come. But know this, that if the goodman of the house had known in what watch the thief would come, he would have watched, and would not have suffered his house to be broken up. Therefore be ye also ready: for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of man cometh” (Matthew 24:42–44). Take, Eat, and Drink “As they were eating, Jesus took bread, and blessed it, and broke it, and gave it to the disciples, and said, Take, eat; this is my body. And he took the cup, and gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, Drink ye all of it; for this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins” (Matthew 26:26–28). Be Born Again “Jesus answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. Marvel not that I said unto thee, Ye must be born again” (John 3:5–7). Keep My Commandments “If ye love me, keep my commandments” (John 14:15). Watch and Pray “Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak” (Matthew 26:41). Feed My Sheep “So when they had dined, Jesus saith to Simon Peter, Simon, son of Jona, lovest thou me more than these? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my lambs. He saith to him again the second time, Simon, son of Jona, lovest thou me? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my sheep” (John 21:15–16). Baptize My Disciples “Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost” (Matthew 28:19). Receive God’s Power “And, behold, I send the promise of my Father upon you: but tarry ye in the city of Jerusalem, until ye be endued with power from on high” (Luke 24:49). Make Disciples “Go ye therefore, and teach all nations . . . teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen” (Matthew 28:19–20).
Shame
March 22, 2018
True knowledge is gained through the experiment of living life. I have gained some truth about myself and my life from the results of my experience, through the tools that I have acquired and been given, and through the actual consequences of my words, thoughts, and most importantly, my actions. I know what has failed me and what has brought me success. And I can reasonably assume that anyone who shares a similar experience may also experience similar results.
This is precisely why the Big Book prophetically states that you can rely on anything a [recovered] alcoholic may say about himself. A recovered person who has gained clarity and success knows himself, or at the very least his addiction, completely. The reason my experience makes sense to me is because I understand who I am, and the more we understand ourselves, the more we understand everything.
As I've suggested before, I don't think we are really that complicated. We are essentially just human creatures on earth, sometimes doing good stuff, sometimes doing bad stuff, and sometimes just hangin' out. And given the existential law of cause and effect, you probably wanna try to do more good stuff than bad stuff.
In my book, I described the sort of behavior that saved my life as 'spiritual action'. We can't get too bent about word choice because the solution and the knowledge gained through experiential success is very practical, grounded, fact-based (in its purest sense) and time-tested. So when I say spiritual action, I'm not talking about fluff. Spiritual action means moral action, as well as many other practical actions such as prayer, meditation, exercise, work, art, music, creativity and outdoor activities that benefit ourselves, others, and the greater world around us.
In my previous post, I wrote that our core problem is spiritual. To note, I refer to the totality of my being as spiritual, and thus any disconnection from self, others or God is a malady of my spirit (that is, my entire being). At any rate, for those of us who need the fluff taken out, we can easily break down our core problem more practically. Thanks to our friend, Jim, who commented on the nature of our malady as being rooted in deep emotional stuff, some of which lies below the level of our consciousness, as opposed to spiritual. I completely agree, but I simply choose to contemplate my emotional life as my spiritual life. At any rate, he kindly reminds us what our core problem really is, and this is perhaps the most accurate thing I've heard from anyone in years.
So what is our core problem in simple, layman's terms?
Shame.
Human shame [and perhaps sadness] is a universal epidemic. Addicts and alcoholics have no monopoly on shame.
What are we ashamed of, you may ask?
Why being human, of course. We are ashamed of our human bodies, for one. We are ashamed of our minds, our thoughts and our feelings, especially our feelings of self-consciousness, insecurity, depression, anger, jealousy, envy, weakness and stupidity. We are ashamed of our feelings of powerlessness, meaninglessness and purposelessness. We are ashamed of our size, our mortality, our past, our future, our frailties, our failures and our insignificance. We are ashamed of our greed, our lust, our gluttony, our cowardice, and the list goes on and on. You get the picture, I'm sure. Being human by definition is a vulnerable condition both internally, externally, and most importantly, spiritually.
The Big Book says the knowledge of God is in our make-up as human beings. I believe we all know that God Is on some level, even the atheists and the silly agnostics out there. To deny God is really to deny your human being, your existence. And forget about addiction and alcoholism because that, my friends, may be the most precarious position of all.
God, teach me how to better love and accept myself that I may better love and accept others and do Your work well...
Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. -John 14:6